Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Elderly parents

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

hospice called to tell me my dad's breathing had changed?

111 replies

falstaff1980 · 25/09/2023 15:47

The nurse who called didn't want to say anything more though. Searching on the internet it seems breathing does change in the last hours or days. I'd like to be with my father at the end, but how can I know how long he's got and how to manage if I'm there in his room for days? Or perhaps I should just keep visiting twice daily as I normally do, and ensure I get enough rest to be better able to handle the days after he passes. Background is he went into the hospice last Thursday, after two horrendous days of attempting to care for him at home (after he left hospital), last time I saw him drink a sip of water was Wednesday night, and hospice say they've not given him anything other than end-of-life drugs (no fluid drips or anything), he just sleeps all the time. I was lead to believe we could go three days without water, but my dad is going on for 5.

OP posts:

WitchDancer · 29/09/2023 16:38

My condolences on your loss, may he rest in peace on the Glory of our Lord.

I'm sorry this was traumatic for you, however what you did was a perfectly normal reaction. Maybe you could go and see him in the chapel of rest and spend time with him, but only if you feel there is anything you feel you need to say to him.

Grief is very much like when a stone drops in a pond. At first the waves are big but over time they spread out and diminish in size. Be kind to yourself and remember there is no right or wrong way to morn.

RLmadmum · 29/09/2023 16:47

I'm so sorry for your loss 💔

Sausagedognamedmash · 29/09/2023 16:54

I am so sorry for your loss. Death is such a hard thing to witness even when relatively peaceful. I sat with my grandad as he passed 18 months ago and whilst the memory is still there of those final distressing hours, it has diminished and the lifetime of other memories do take over. Take care of yourself, there is no time line for grief.

C8H10N4O2 · 29/09/2023 16:59

falstaff1980 · 29/09/2023 15:32

Thanks all for your words on that awful day.

I did go to the hospice, and found that my fathers breathing seemed the same to me as it had been the last couple of days and as it got late in the evening I was thinking about going home to sleep and come back the next morning. Then my father's breathing really did change, two loud gasps and then his breathing stopped. I had my hand on his arm at the time, but I wish I could have handled things better, my reaction was to run out of room shouting for the nurse to come, and then just crumple onto a sofa in a separate visitors room, I didn't go back to see my father.

My family were glad that I was there, but it was traumatic for me, and something my memory keeps taking me back to. A part of me wishes my I last memory of him was when he was sat up in the hospital bed a few days before smiling and joking.

Sorry for your loss.

Try to keep in mind that because you were he died with someone who loved him holding him and wasn't alone at the end. That may be helpful to you and over time the good memories will move to the forefront.

Tiredalwaystired · 29/09/2023 17:42

You will look back in this and take comfort from the fact that you were there. You were the last person he was aware of. You helped.

the days and weeks and months ahead will be hard. Not every day. Worse in the beginning. But it does get better. Give yourself all the time you need. Sending love, from someone how has now done this three times xxx

TheShellBeach · 29/09/2023 17:48

I'm so sorry.
Please don't beat yourself up over your reaction when he died.
You were there and he would have been aware of your presence.
Nobody knows how they'll respond to a situation like this. You did nothing wrong.

SummerWillow · 29/09/2023 17:57

I'm so sorry for your loss. I was present when my Dad died. The images played over and over in my mind for a long time but now have faded. I'm glad I was there and he looked so peaceful and almost smiling afterwards. It's not something we are ever prepared for.

Sisterpita · 29/09/2023 19:58

so sorry for your loss.

restie · 29/09/2023 20:18

You would have given him comfort at the end, how lovely that you were able to do that.
As others have said, those last images will fade with time and be replaced with happier ones...

Paperbagsaremine · 30/09/2023 09:48

Sorry for your loss OP.

One thought that occurred to me: if you had not been there, you might have come to worry about your Dad's final hours - whether the nurses were being entirely truthful about his passing being peaceful. Sometimes people do.

You know, for sure, what his final hours were like, you know that you were with him. Nobody can ever take that away from you.

MereDintofPandiculation · 06/10/2023 21:50

I'm sorry for your loss.

It will get better - as you get further away, the memory of his last day will no longer be all enveloping and the memories of earlier and happier days will start becoming more prominent.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5