hospice called to tell me my dad's breathing had changed?

[falstaff1980]

The nurse who called didn't want to say anything more though. Searching on the internet it seems breathing does change in the last hours or days. I'd like to be with my father at the end, but how can I know how long he's got and how to manage if I'm there in his room for days? Or perhaps I should just keep visiting twice daily as I normally do, and ensure I get enough rest to be better able to handle the days after he passes. Background is he went into the hospice last Thursday, after two horrendous days of attempting to care for him at home (after he left hospital), last time I saw him drink a sip of water was Wednesday night, and hospice say they've not given him anything other than end-of-life drugs (no fluid drips or anything), he just sleeps all the time. I was lead to believe we could go three days without water, but my dad is going on for 5.

So sorry OP, sending you hugs and a handhold at this difficult time x

You don't have to be there when he goes if you really don't want to. As it seems the end is nearing go in and tell him all the things you want to say, and then say goodbye.

I spent every day with my DF for almost a week when he was dying, but he went before I got there one morning, and I was actually quite pleased about that and had no regrets as I had already spent so much time with him.

❤️

I’m sending you love and strength. I was with my Mum when she died. The hospital rang at teatime on a Tuesday and she died at 8.10pm the next day. I totally respect those who choose not to be there but I was with my Dad and siblings and don’t regret it.

Please do what’s best for you. Im hoping for a very gentle passing for your lovely Dad.

I lost my Dad only last week. Despite many years of caring for others at the end of their life I wasn't convinced I could be there for my own Dad. But I did and I'm so pleased I did. I hope and pray that it's a peaceful time for you both x

Lots of love and prayers x

My thoughts are with you. As so many have said, it is an honour and a privilege to be with a parent in their final moments. It's extremely difficult but it helped me when my mother to know that I was there with her 💔💔💔

My Dad's breathing changed in the afternoon and he died later that evening. It was very peaceful, his breaths were irregular with gaps between them, and finally there wasn't another breath after the gap.

Go now of his breathing has changed it won’t be that long.

Sending you and your family love and strength 💐

I was with my dm when she had her stroke. The consultant at the hospital told me death was imminent. I decided that I would be with her, as I did not want her to die alone. The ward offered us the relatives room, which was gratefully accepted, so we could be close by, even when we were resting. My 3 DCs also wanted to be there, so we took it in turn to either be in the relatives room, or sit with her.

She lasted nearly 3 days, before her breathing changed and I knew the end was very close, so sent my son to get his sisters. It was very peaceful, we just sat with her, held her hand and told her how much we loved her. It meant so much to me to be there when she passed and I know she wanted us to be there (we had discussed this, after my df died, with none of us there). It was the last time any of us could do anything for her.

@falstaff1980 Hearing is the last sense someone loses when dying, please be with your df, telling him how much you love him, as he passes. It still comforts me, to know that I was there for dm.

My thoughts are with you @falstaff1980. X

I sat with both my mum and dad as they passed.
I too believe it’s a privilege and I was able to tell them what amazing parents they had been and that they were going to be safe.
It sounds morbid, but I wouldn’t have missed it for anything. It was peaceful and quite beautiful.

x

I work with elderly and vulnerable residents. The truth is if all fluids have ended and breathing has changed then your Dad is drawing close to the end, as people have already said. I've made many of those calls.

There is no 'right or wrong' way for you to act now. Just 'your' way. Do what feels right for you. Go in, if you feel the need to stay then do so. If you feel you need to say your goodbyes and leave, that's ok too.

I think perhaps I'm late to the thread and possibly your Dad has passed on already. If so then I wish you peace and good memories. If not, then I won't send strength, you already have it, you just didn't know it xxx

Thanks all for your words on that awful day.

I did go to the hospice, and found that my fathers breathing seemed the same to me as it had been the last couple of days and as it got late in the evening I was thinking about going home to sleep and come back the next morning. Then my father's breathing really did change, two loud gasps and then his breathing stopped. I had my hand on his arm at the time, but I wish I could have handled things better, my reaction was to run out of room shouting for the nurse to come, and then just crumple onto a sofa in a separate visitors room, I didn't go back to see my father.

My family were glad that I was there, but it was traumatic for me, and something my memory keeps taking me back to. A part of me wishes my I last memory of him was when he was sat up in the hospital bed a few days before smiling and joking.

Sorry for your loss falstaff

My dad's breathing got quicker the day before he died, last week. It's hard being there at the end, but I'm glad I was, sending you hugs and hope you're doing OK.

I'm so sorry. Please don't beat yourself for how you reacted in the moment - we never know how we will respond in the moment until we are there.

It is still raw and stark - you still have your memories of your dad as he was, and they will hopefully take precedence in time,

Sending love and best wishes. x

Please don't be hard on yourself for how you handled it. You reacted in the way you needed to at the time and that is ok. I'm so sorry for your loss and that you feel traumatised after this. Grief and loss affects everyone differently. Bereavement counselling could help you to process everything. Take good care ❤️

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sure your Dad would have known you were there and would have been grateful for your presence.

Just go. They don't call you unnecessarily

I'm so sorry OP 🩷

Just to say I have been through similar and as time goes on I don't remember those awful last few moments and remember the happier times and it gives me comfort to know my family member wasn't alone, I hope in time you feel the same

I'm sorry for your loss.

I know it's really hard to be there in the end, even for a relatively peaceful passing. But in time maybe you will be able to take comfort knowing that, even though he couldn't show it, your dad might have still been aware of your presence and been comforted that he wasn't alone. Some people do get scared as they approach death, and having a loved one there can really calm and soothe them. He wouldn't have been able to communicate that, of course, but he might still have sensed you there.

So sorry your Dad has gone. It is very early days and your brain is still trying to process it ( i am many months down the line) it will get easier for you and at some point you might become glad that you were there holding your Dads hand in the hours before his death and you may take comfort in the fact that he didn't die alone. Be gentle on yourself, there is no right or wrong way.

@falstaff1980 I'm so sorry to hear this. It won't be any consolation right now but the distressing bits of the run up to my mum's death faded over time and lost their potency. I hope you find the same 🌺