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Original poster

hospice called to tell me my dad's breathing had changed?

111 replies

falstaff1980 · 25/09/2023 15:47

The nurse who called didn't want to say anything more though. Searching on the internet it seems breathing does change in the last hours or days. I'd like to be with my father at the end, but how can I know how long he's got and how to manage if I'm there in his room for days? Or perhaps I should just keep visiting twice daily as I normally do, and ensure I get enough rest to be better able to handle the days after he passes. Background is he went into the hospice last Thursday, after two horrendous days of attempting to care for him at home (after he left hospital), last time I saw him drink a sip of water was Wednesday night, and hospice say they've not given him anything other than end-of-life drugs (no fluid drips or anything), he just sleeps all the time. I was lead to believe we could go three days without water, but my dad is going on for 5.

OP posts:
chuffachuffchuff · 25/09/2023 16:50

Sending you strength love and a big hand hold x

IrresponsiblyCertainAboutSexualDimorphism · 25/09/2023 16:50

I have just read the most recent posts and they are right - if you do not want to do this you don’t have to. The hospice staff will do everything that needs to be done.

But if you do want to, you will find the strength.

Tell us all about your lovely dad if you’d like to.

vodkaredbullgirl · 25/09/2023 16:52

Sorry to hear about your dad. Many times I've had to ring relatives to say their loved ones breathing have changed, they have either said they will come in, or to ring when they have gone. It's up to you, if it was me I would go.

OddlyFramed · 25/09/2023 16:52

They are telling you it’s time to come in. But you don’t have to be there if you don’t want to OP. You can go and say goodbye and wait outside. Is there someone to be with you?

NoSquirrels · 25/09/2023 16:53

Sending you much love.

Go, give him a kiss and then decide if you want to stay longer. There’s no right or wrong.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 25/09/2023 16:55

Yes, they are trying to tell you he is nearing the end sensitively.
Go now if you'd like to
The last sense to go is hearing, so reassure him and tell him you love him.
I'm very sorry
Sending you love and strength

tigpig · 25/09/2023 16:58

It basically telling you he is about to die. You either go now or you phone them and say to call you when he has died.
I'm sorry but that's how they tell you gently.

justasking111 · 25/09/2023 17:02

I went had no advance warning of breathing change I chose not to stay. My father lasted nearly another day. So sorry

Ladybug14 · 25/09/2023 17:02

falstaff1980 · 25/09/2023 16:41

then please someone give my strength, because I'm not sure I can cope with witnessing this happen to my dad.

You might not witness anything

Dads breathing changed many times. He also turned blue. We were called innumerable times to be with him (60 mile round trip) and he decided to die 3 weeks after the first urgent 'get here' call, peacefully on his own.

The nurses said that often people choose to die alone. It's a very private event for many, I'm told

Paperbagsaremine · 25/09/2023 17:06

Don't be afraid, OP. It's just sitting with your Dad. If his breathing has changed - he's still your Dad. You can't do him any harm by keeping him company in his last hours.

I have sat with my FiL and my Mum during their final hours and was glad I could do that one last thing for them. I have absolutely no regrets. When it comes to it we recognise what's going on at a very natural, animal level.

kimf1963 · 25/09/2023 17:06

Oh sweetheart I’m so sorry you are going through this, please, please go now as it sounds like will only be a matter of hours. Do what your heart tells you to do when you are there.
I am so grateful and comforted that I was with my mum when she took her last breath, but if you feel unable to do that then that’s fine, I just don’t think you will know how you will feel until you get there and see him.
Sending you so much love and strength, it’s such a hard time for everyone, just follow your heart and that will be the right decision for you when the time comes

SlipSlidinAway · 25/09/2023 17:08

Agree you're being advised to go in. My dsis was with our mum the day she died. When she got up to leave at the usual time, it was suggested she might want to stay. Sure enough, mum died a couple of hours later.

Everyone deals with these things differently and you must do what is best for you. I would just add that I was with my dad when he died (we'd been told he probably only had days so dsis and I did shifts so someone was always with him). His death was very peaceful - he was already unconscious and around 4am he took his last breath. I am so glad I was there and consider it a huge privilege to have been with him when he left this world.

I hope you have someone supporting you through this. Flowers

Mischance · 25/09/2023 17:09

I watched all this happen to my OH. The change in breathing was very near the end, so I think you should go now and be with him. You can cope with this - when it gets to that stage you simply want them to go and be at peace. xx

Original poster
falstaff1980 · 25/09/2023 17:10

Thanks for all the messages of support, I am going in, will decide when I'm there, seen my dad, and after speaking to the nurses what to do.

OP posts:
fiddlesticksandotherwords · 25/09/2023 17:13

I've been in your shoes OP and I know how you feel. This is the last thing that any person can do for someone else, so be strong, be there for him in his last moments, and the staff will support you.

Flowers
UsingChangeofName · 25/09/2023 17:16

Oh Falstaff , it is such a difficult call to receive, but trust me, you need to go now. This is why the Nurse called you.

stopringingme · 25/09/2023 17:16

My Dad died last month.

We were told if we wanted to see him get there sooner rather than later.

My brother rushed there and sat with Dad all night and the next day.

I went to say my goodbyes during the day and sat with him for a few hours to give my Brother a break, just chattering and playing videos of my DD singing and laughing which got a response.

I said we were all okay and he should go to be with Mum, she would be waiting for him.

Dad passed away that night - it was peaceful.

I did not want to be there when he died, my Brother stayed with him.

It is a personal choice, do not feel you have to be there, go and sit with him and see how you feel.

I will be thinking of you and sending strength @falstaff1980

REP22 · 25/09/2023 17:17

Sending strength and love. You are doing the right thing. Every good wish to you. Look after yourself. xx

YellowRibbon710 · 25/09/2023 17:20

We got the call at 7am and my dad died just after 10pm. I didn't leave the hospital during that time and I made the right decision. Just stay with him now.

I'm sorry. I am still very traumatised but glad we were all with him.

Lookingforasilverlining · 25/09/2023 17:22

I’ve just been through this at the weekend. It was a peaceful experience for my Mum. If it’s not speak to the hospice staff, they have access to various medications which can help. Is there some one who can come with you? If you try read your Dad a book, I’m sure the hospice will have one. Tell your Dad that you love him, that he has taught you everything you know to continue without you and now it’s time to go. If you can tell him about old memories. You can do this.

honeyandfizz · 25/09/2023 17:24

I had this with my Dad in April who was in ITU the ward staff rang at 5am to say come now but he had already gone by the time I got there. I wish more than anything I had been there to hold his hand but we were sent home at midnight. It is a very very hard time op you have my upmost sympathy Flowers

HelloDaisy · 25/09/2023 17:25

I’ve been in your shoes, it’s tough.

sending you love and strength xx

Wisenotboring · 25/09/2023 17:28

It's so tough, but I think you are right in deciding to go. The last hours are often extremely peaceful...especially in a hospice setting where they can be very responsive with medication. Try not to be fearful, but treasure the chance to say goodbye. Much love

Galatine · 25/09/2023 18:12

They will try not to be explicit but are trying to tell you tactfully that the end of life is approaching. you need to go there. Many years ago my mother's care home rang to ask if someone could go and sit with her as she was rather poorly. DW and I instantly grasped that the situation was very serious and that they didn't make such calls without good reason. We alerted the other members of the family and went to the care home. On arrival the Matron met us and gently informed us that she would not last the night. I have never forgotten her kindness and that of the other staff.

starfishmummy · 25/09/2023 18:29

Sending you strength whatever you decide to do.