FIL coming on family holidays

[mids2019]

I may have moaned about this before but my FIL is now coming with us on our annual summer vacations upon invitation if my partner

For context my FIL is 74 and been widowed for about 7 years. I initially accepted that having him on a summer trip was a really nice gesture in terms of overcoming grief. However it now is now becoming apparent my partner's idea of a summer vacation one is a 'family' one where my FIL will be welcome

I am nearing the end of our summer vacation in the US and I have to admit it hadn't been entirely enjoyable. FIL tried to take the lead in family decisions, told children off in my opinion unnecessarily, assumed a sort of patriarchal role where I think he felt he was taking the family on holiday and criticised some of our holiday activity decisions.

I have to add his health is not optimal and this has lead to a restriction on some of our joint activities. There is also a generation gap between him and my children (13 and 11) which is hard to bridge; this is understandable but the critisicm of young girls' CV choice in music, food choice, clothing, internet use etc was wearisome.

Ultimately it is a sense of encroaching family space that I found really difficult. We have stressful lives and the summer vacation is to the only real relatively stress free prolonged family to one we have and that has been compromised.

One week we had to have shared accomodation with FIL where although he was in separate bedroom did not exactly promote any attempts of the romantic type between my partner and myself.

We need to have a conversation but has anyone been in a similar situation?

prolonged family time

Are the children his grandchildren OP?
TBH I wouldn't like this and would have it out with my DP.

Is this your only holiday/how much annual leave did it use up?

I had some holidays as a kid with a grandparent in tow and hated it as everything was tailored to their needs and it wasn't much fun. But we only did it two or three times so not much in the grand scheme of things. Although I don't think I'd have appreciated that at the time!

But if this is all your holiday for the year every year I'd be having words with your partner about what a family holiday is!

I wouldn’t like this. I don’t think you get as much leave in the US either so if this is your only holiday then no. He wouldn’t be welcome every year. I would discuss with your husband. Maybe every other year or a shorter weekend break. You can’t gear a kids holiday for an OAP

You and your DH need to sit down and talk about this, as the arrangement is clearly not working for you and quite honestly I don't see why you have to take him on holiday with you every bloody time. Is your DH his only child? Does FIL have any friends or does he do any activities that might offer an opportunity for travel? Even if he doesn't and you allowing him to tag along on your holidays is his only opportunity for travel, that's really not a reason why he should always come.

Sounds like your DH needs to be reminded that 'happy wife = happy life'!

Perhaps a compromise could be your FIL joining you for a couple of days, where you do the more sedate activities, and then make it clear that your other days will be just for immediate family and the things you all want to do?

We are doing this for the first time but it’s my dad. I tell him off if he comments on anything the teens do as it’s not helpful. He is paying a significant amount of our costs too which means we have had a separate holiday. Ultimately I can say stuff-ie no! As it’s my dad. You don’t have a fil problem, you have a dh problem.

Yes they are his grandchildren. Thanks for the empathy. I think my in law culture has changed since my MIL has passed to one of 'lets make sure FIL is OK' as he has helped in the past. I wanted to see in general how many people view the family holiday as 3 generations? Is this the norm?

I don't understand how people who are invited to join a family on holiday don't have the "cop on" to be very careful re their behaviour/interaction.
Your fil will have spoilt it for himself with his attitude.
He should have shown a bit more gratitude and awareness of his position as guest.

It’s certainly not the norm in my family. Some of our friends with children take the grandparents with them on the occasional holiday but certainly not every time.

We happily invited my mum on our family holidays after my dad died. The first time was great, the second ok, and the third just awful in terms of being pulled between her and dh. We booked a second holiday that year and had to be quite blunt in telling her that we needed to be just us and the children as we have ridiculously busy lives, holiday time is precious and we just needed not to factor in another way of wanting to do things. I take her away for a short break just the two of us most years which she loves.

I think it is totally possible to have an enjoyable multi-generation holiday but not with your family dynamic.

For it to work you need:
Grandparents to understand they are grandparents and not parents
Ability for the group to split and do different activities for different ages without recriminations that someone was 'left out' of something they didn't want to do anyway
Everyone to appreciate age gaps and view it as a time to get to know each other and try new things eg GF showing kids his fave music from when he was their age and also happy to listen to theirs

What you have is a FIL who wants to criticise 'the yoof of today' and a DH who forgets about his wife and kids because of a combination of guilt and regressing to being a teen around his dad.

Both your DH and FIL need to do a lot of copping on for this to work ever again.

@Thelondonone

We did it the 'once' and it has now become the default. It is an emotional argument refusing as FIL has no one else to holiday with.

I think the suggestion of friends would be a great idea it just seems the 'done thing' is now that he is a widower he gets a family holiday????

Have you told your DH that you're not happy to do this again and what is he doing about ?

*about it?

Great, he has no friends so you get lumbered with him. I hope you inherit lots of money from him idc!

@hanahsaunt

Completely with you

My BIL could take him some years I guess but there is no formal agreement on this. I think there is a really good point about doing split activities but then you have the accusation of leaving some one out and you don't need simmering family tension on holiday.

There is even argument about music being played at lunchtimes.

I really understand that there is loneliness involved here however the time of being head of he family has passed for FIL but this does not lie easy with him.

@hanahsaunt

Completely with you

My BIL could take him some years I guess but there is no formal agreement on this. I think there is a really good point about doing split activities but then you have the accusation of leaving some one out and you don't need simmering family tension on holiday.

There is even argument about music being played at lunchtimes.

I really understand that there is loneliness involved here however the time of being head of he family has passed for FIL but this does not lie easy with him.

I think there are friend with living spouses and he generally has good acquaintances but my other half seems to think the norm is for a family holiday (family being the extended version).

It would be healthy if he considers more holidays with friends especially for general well being (of everyone)

yeah your husband needs to take him away just the two of them for a weekend instead.
My cousins’ grandad came on holiday with us all once when I was a teenager once, it was a nightmare. He was rude to all the teens so we all ignored him and gave him a wide berth, he nagged at all the adults and refused to come on days out then would sulk in the evening about being alone all day. He threw himself into the pool to get some attention and bashed his head, he had a tiny bump and made the biggest song and dance about it, we were all so done with him by the end of the week, even his son!

We did it this year. I made it clear - never again!

everyone had a nice enough time but it became boring because it was just compromise for all three generations.

we work crazy hours and I want that time for my little family to make memories.

I felt guilty and then I thought did my parents take grandparents on holiday. No chance and not ever a discussion or guilt about it either.

We go away with my parents at least twice per year. They would never encroach on our parenting, and they add good fun and practical support and company on our holidays. We've also holidayed with my FIL and my experience is as above. My FIL is the same age as yours but I don't find the generation gap too big- he understands contemporary music and sport etc.

I actually think the being rude to teenagers is intentional but rude it is. The music a 70 year old liked in his youth is completely different to teen likes, its the way of the world. I don't think my daughter needs lecturing that the Beatles are better than Taylor Swift; she likes Taylor and that's it really.

Another thing I noticed was that FIL is wedded to the past. Every conversation seems to wend itself to times when my MIL was alive and the world was so much better (?). I understand nostlaigia becoming more important with age but again it gets weary for a number of evenings in a row.

@fireflyloo

I think you managed to set clear boundaries.

I think my FIL is sporty and was quite good at sport in his youth. The problem is that he has an underlying benign misogny coming if men of his background and age which leads to gentle mocking of female sports e.g. women's world cup which confuses my daughters.

I would suggest more weekends with just dh and FIL instead of family holiday. I think it is probably different when there are parents who are actively involved in childcare with younger children, where it can be helpful but dh needs to recognise that it isn't working for anyone, other than perhaps him.