FIL coming on family holidays

[mids2019]

I may have moaned about this before but my FIL is now coming with us on our annual summer vacations upon invitation if my partner

For context my FIL is 74 and been widowed for about 7 years. I initially accepted that having him on a summer trip was a really nice gesture in terms of overcoming grief. However it now is now becoming apparent my partner's idea of a summer vacation one is a 'family' one where my FIL will be welcome

I am nearing the end of our summer vacation in the US and I have to admit it hadn't been entirely enjoyable. FIL tried to take the lead in family decisions, told children off in my opinion unnecessarily, assumed a sort of patriarchal role where I think he felt he was taking the family on holiday and criticised some of our holiday activity decisions.

I have to add his health is not optimal and this has lead to a restriction on some of our joint activities. There is also a generation gap between him and my children (13 and 11) which is hard to bridge; this is understandable but the critisicm of young girls' CV choice in music, food choice, clothing, internet use etc was wearisome.

Ultimately it is a sense of encroaching family space that I found really difficult. We have stressful lives and the summer vacation is to the only real relatively stress free prolonged family to one we have and that has been compromised.

One week we had to have shared accomodation with FIL where although he was in separate bedroom did not exactly promote any attempts of the romantic type between my partner and myself.

We need to have a conversation but has anyone been in a similar situation?

Holidays are way too expensive to be miserable through.

Time to have a serious chat with your partner.

I think it can work. We took my father on several holidays, and sometimes FIL too. DC appeared not to be harmed - DC2 invited himself on a week’s holiday to my father’s home a few years later. I can remember my grandparents joining our family holiday in an adjacent caravan, don’t think it really impacted me. But it’s not working with your family dynamic

I think it may be easier when children are younger, and mobility of young and old are similar.

We took my mother on holiday for fourteen years. To start with we had a toddler and mum was fit and by the end we had a youth and someone with limited mobility. As the years went on the constraints grew, it wasn't too difficult to find somewhere flat with a downstairs bedroom that wasn't too far to get to. It was harder to find things to do that made everyone happy. If I had my time again I'd be doing things differently and putting mum on a coach for a cruise or a mystery tour. If she'd done this while she was younger she could have had the occasional holiday on her own and so could we. I would have not set up the expectation that every holiday would be one for three generations.

We went away with my inlaws for a weekend and it was never repeated.

We took my DPs once when DS was young. It was three nights in a posh hotel - our treat for DM looking after DS one day a fortnight.

It was bloody awful, loads of complaints about the - perfectly nice - hotel, complaints that the activity that we had told them to wrap up warmly for was cold, it was horrendous and we have never repeated it.

If you don't watch out your DDs will opt out of family holidays as young as they can, whereas with having each other you might get a good few more years out of them, and you'll be left with FIL and just the three of you.

Can you suggest something wildly unsuitable for FIL next year, be that Neilsons or AI in the canaries. Or just tell your DH that you need a nuclear family holiday like everyone else has or you will be taking the DCs on your own and he can take his DF.

Oh and I'd be refusing to have sex with DH if FIL is in the adjoining room, that might concentrate your DHs mind to accept a change.

@rookiemere

Interesting point about the children disengaging. I think the expectation gaps were starting to show this holiday. Next year with a near 14 year old I think it would be really difficult.

The idea of shovel and spades at the beach with ice cream is becoming a distant memory to them but is still a mainstay of the holiday to FIF.

Next year would be Spain at a resort where FIL would probably want to spend his evenings drinking and watching 60s/70s tribute bands. Can't see the family wanting to do this.

You only have a few more holidays left with your kids so stop inviting Fil now!

Thanks for all the replies!

It looks like FIL is more reluctant about coming with us partly I think because the last few days of our holiday were spent as a nuclear family with one or two meet ups. The meet up frequency obviously wasn't to my FIL's liking so I think he has taken the hump?

I found out that my FIL actually liked the shared accomodation as it allowed him to have breakfast with us as well as feeling it was a true 'family' holiday. I found the whole thing incredibly invasive of my personal space.

If this ever happens again then

(I) accomodation is separate
(2) meet ups are at our determination in the main

I think in reality the above is not my FILs view of a holiday so in reality we may be very well holidaying alone and we'll see what the fall out is.

@Poppyblush

Good advice.

My oldest will be around 13 and a half for our next summer holiday and I think the whole dynamic will become more strained. My FIL has a habit of treating the children at least 3 years younger than their actual age which is becoming increasingly annoying. It's as if he cannot relate to the issues of teenage girls in any form and wants to keep an ideal of being grandfather to 8 year olds in his family relationships.

My daughter's tastes (one: shopping, American teen dramas two: gaming) mean that there is little scope for discussion of mutual interests and he can only offer a couple of derisive comments about 'things were different in my day'.

It's going to be a challenge any way finding balanced family holidays (guess this is natural) without a FIL with his own separate requests.

At 74 he could have years ahead of him, health allowing. Your DCs are rapidly approaching the stage where they won't want - and then can't be made - to go on holiday with the wrinklies. So you're faced with the prospect of family holidays soon becoming just you, DH and his dad.

Is DH anything like his dad, btw? Is he getting more like him??

The thing about loneliness and ageing and failing health and loss is that yes, things do change, and change is strange. My Victorian/Edwardian olders criticised our 70s music, TV, interests, conversation, hair, clothes ... because it wasn't what they were used to.

(Let's all decide not to get like that and try to appreciate the now as well as the then.)

I would love to be able to speak to them, now, about the past. But then as a child it was weird, tedious, incomprehensible and I used to dread the visits. Your DCs will probably feel the same, which is a shame.

How much leave do you both get? Would leave and finances allow more than one holiday a year? One - short one - for all of you, and another 'centred around the children's interests' (ie lots of things for you both and the DCs that he wouldn't want).

But as so often happens, you do have a DH problem. Intimacy may be a good point to make, and a reminder that you don't have long with the DCs at each stage, and you want to be able to enjoy all aspects of the holiday, too.

Does he have friends, or the ability to make friends, more on his wavelength?
Your DH could be arranging father-son things with him.

And you aren't his social therapy provider, you have enough on your plate.

I think FIL might enjoy a cruise with ppl his own age next year. If he continues to go on holidays with you lot, he’ll never move on.

Your father in law is family, though.

When DF was widowed we invited him along with us and the DSs loved having him along. He played with them on the beach and spoilt them rotten. As they got older his knowledge impressed them when we went round castles and stately homes. he had endless time and patience with them which gave DH and I a break.

As his health got worse he decided not to come along any more and we were all sad, especially the boys.

The boys say their happiest holiday memories are of when we were all together. We all miss him so much.

That's nice that it worked well for your family.

But it's not working well for OPs family. Even FIL doesn't seem to be getting much from the arrangement.

I do think - if it's affordable from either FIL or yourselves- that a long weekend in a cottage somewhere might be better to satisfy holiday obligations with him,then you do your main holiday without him.

Other than the very sensible advice here, could you secretly save for a trip then tell dh you've "won" a "holiday for four"!? Even if it's just a short trip it'd get you a family break and remind him this is what most families do....!

@mids2019 I think if you don't stop this now you are going to have children who will want to stay home rather than go on holiday with you. They won't have good memories of their holidays either as their grandparent is spoiling it for them. You possibly won't have many years left to holiday with your children before they prefer their friends.

My FIL is widowed and he goes on several holidays a year through a specialist company for singles called One Traveller and loves the social side. Each day they are seated with different party members for dinner so everyone rotates round. He is mid 70s, active, in several groups that see him meet up with different sets of people. The best one is historic pub tours which is just an excuse for a leisurely pub crawl

The holidays we have do not appeal to him so he has only come on holiday with us twice but both times MIL was alive and they did their own thing. It isn't your responsibility to make sure he has a holiday, he is an adult and can sort his own. Weekends with his son sound like a good compromise as neither would be in a couple.

Talk about tone deaf...you do get that not everyone has these wonderful dynamics surely? OP certainly doesn't and it's hard to see what anyone is really getting out of it. As I've said previously there is zero obligation to include parents, widowed or otherwise - or adult children for that matter - on a holiday. And if they don't get a holiday, join the billions on the planet who don't, it's not a civil right or anything. It would be very nice for FIL and son to do the occasional night or weekend somewhere or maybe for the whole family to do a weekend but to include on the lengthy summer family holiday is asking abd offering too much.

We have a family holiday, and then in October half term we book a cheap caravan break witj MIL. She's great, the kids love having her around, and she is really helpful, is happy to just come along to whatever we decide. Could you do something. Similar - start an alternative tradition at another part of the year?

Presumably this option includes a personality transplant for the OP's FIL who isn't great, the kids don't love spending time with, isn't helpful and isn't happy to just fit in?

Ohhhh wanting 'the plan' every day drives me batty. My mother does this. It's not just that they're in your face all day, but they make you personally responsible for every aspect of the holiday while they tag along carefree (and criticise if you get it wrong).

I have pushed back on that one. 'Plan? Ha! I spend my whole life organising people and planning things. Now I'm on holiday from all that I'm going get up when I feel like it and do things at whim. I might end up doing nothing at all. What are your plans?'

We are the GPs in the set up.but our GCs are.still.young .We like to have a long weekend with all the family where we stay in an air b and b and they camp or.stay nearby .We had a lovely one at center parcs as well, part of the idea being that the GCs meet up with their cousins. But we would never take over our DCs main holidays I'm sorry but I think that's too much a long weekend is plenty . That must be made clear to your FiL by your DH . If any more needed then he will have to accommodate that as a dad and lad type of thing .

I have done 3 generation holidays successfully. We pick very carefully - not EVERY holiday and not EVERY year. Next year we have a week in same palace as DPiL and I am looking forward to it hugely - my DPIL just want to relax and don’t do any activities or even much sightseeing now, so we will just rest, swim and eat.

My DPiL are lovely though, I would happily let them live with us. DMiL in particular has softened over the years and is fab with our kids and the kids adore DPiL. My DD age 13 just grumbles affectionately when DMiL corrects her manners. Any sign of real angst and I would not do the holidays together.

I have invited my dad away but he always declines. I would if you can afford do a short cheaper trip with him and then a nice hol alone.

Did FIL holiday with his remaining DP, make time for them?

All you can do is explain how it affects you, and you deserve a holiday too. It won't be a fun conversation but needs to be done. Perhaps a compromise can be made.

I've done this with DH about FIL. I know DH quietly wanted to invite FIL on our holiday next month (MIL passed last year). Once started would become the norm. Before he could let an invite slip without asking me, I told him how it affects us both negatively and our holiday would be dictated by FIL's laziness health. Then quickly booked accommodation that only slept four.

I may have also slipped in that if he invited his DF we'd have to invite my DP's to avoid offense. They adore DH, but drive him insane. 😂

Your DCs are rapidly approaching the stage where they won't want - and then can't be made - to go on holiday with the wrinklies When they get to that age, they will view their parents as among the “wrinklies”.