FIL coming on family holidays

[mids2019]

I may have moaned about this before but my FIL is now coming with us on our annual summer vacations upon invitation if my partner

For context my FIL is 74 and been widowed for about 7 years. I initially accepted that having him on a summer trip was a really nice gesture in terms of overcoming grief. However it now is now becoming apparent my partner's idea of a summer vacation one is a 'family' one where my FIL will be welcome

I am nearing the end of our summer vacation in the US and I have to admit it hadn't been entirely enjoyable. FIL tried to take the lead in family decisions, told children off in my opinion unnecessarily, assumed a sort of patriarchal role where I think he felt he was taking the family on holiday and criticised some of our holiday activity decisions.

I have to add his health is not optimal and this has lead to a restriction on some of our joint activities. There is also a generation gap between him and my children (13 and 11) which is hard to bridge; this is understandable but the critisicm of young girls' CV choice in music, food choice, clothing, internet use etc was wearisome.

Ultimately it is a sense of encroaching family space that I found really difficult. We have stressful lives and the summer vacation is to the only real relatively stress free prolonged family to one we have and that has been compromised.

One week we had to have shared accomodation with FIL where although he was in separate bedroom did not exactly promote any attempts of the romantic type between my partner and myself.

We need to have a conversation but has anyone been in a similar situation?

I’ve got a close friend who takes her (widowed) dad on holiday every year. It was fine at first but it’s a nightmare now. Her dad doesn’t get on with her DH, and her teenagers are fed up having to listen to him complaining etc most of the time. My friend ends up keeping him company while the others go and have fun elsewhere.

they do one week with him at Easter, then have their real family holiday in summer 🤷‍♀️

Tell your dh : I will not curtail our children’s childhood for your dad. We are supposed to be taking them on awesome holidays and doing fun things in this short window we have where they are old enough to do it and young enough to have fun with us. He’s not coming on the next holiday because I will not feel bad doing fun things with our children on our family holiday. Book a separate one where we stay in an aged care home, and ask the kids how much fun they had when we get home. I know you love your dad, but don’t sacrifice fun holidays wiht your children for this. Next holiday he doesn’t come, and you can think about a more balanced approach after that.

@MermaidMummy06

sounds like I should have just done this. Once an invite goes out not inviting GP becomes a major rejection. Believe me.

I have reflected in this and it really was my MIL s passing that changed the holiday dynamic. We used to occasionally go on holiday with FI L and MIL and they could occupy each other's time and with occasional meals it all seemed to work. The kids were young and although hard work didn't understand or involve themselves with discussions. Now MIL has passed there is some sort of unwritten obligation to allow PIL his 'family ' holiday as he is alone.

it's weird seeing all the adverts for family holidays where there are couples with children and separately elderly couples on SAGA like things. I really did (or do) think that is a slightly more natural format.

ironically when my FIL took his kids on holiday abroad his parents did not travel as it was.well.out of their ability financially and out of their comfort zone generally so I don't think he can relate to our experience. At this age, though getting a little tired, he still wants to lead (quite an assertive gregarious person by nature) some holiday activities which as I said before just brings tension.

One issue is that the extended family do not see this situation as unusual and I wonder if the more elderly generation secretly wish that they will be invited on vacations with family and so are willing to publically support this arrangment.

I also think psychologically he likes the whole family proximity without the responsibility and the atmosphere takes him back to earlier happier times. I just think there is a time and place for that during normal non vacation life and a vacation is that escape for a family where they can be just a simple group for a couple of weeks.

Being a boomer I think he is of maybe the first generation that really felt like they wouldn't get old? He views Paul McCartney and Mick Jagger as somehow young and examples of how you can still be 'down with the kids' but this really isn't the case in 2023. I am not a 'cool' parent and I don't think in this sense you can be the 'cool' grandparent.

I really do think we have a couple more summer holidays where the children (hopefully) will have fond memories (and they do like being abroad) so it's important to address this (as pp suggest).

OP, your partner needs to step up and take his father on short trips.

No one is entitled to join you on a family holiday and I think it would be interesting to have a frank chat about grandad being with you, with your teens.

Some people have parents that get separate accommodation, meet up a bit, don't impose and everyone has a great time.

The dynamic you describe particularly as your FIL is opinionated is challenging.

Your obligation is to put your children first and mind those last few teen holidays with them.

Short weekends away should be the new thing.

Holidays near a waterpark are a tremendous memory that most teens adore, well worth considering.

But shared accommodation is too much when personalities clash.

Reading your most recent update - why can't he go on holiday with the other people in the same generation as him? Sounds like there may be a few of them, at least some of whom are related to him?

We have a small holiday house and have hosted my dad there usually once a year for max of a week. He’s in his 80s now and fairly affable. We end up doing all the organising and cooking etc, but he does what he’s told and it works pretty well.

we’ve not had to set boundaries and he’s appreciative but not sure what advice to give OP. Essentially things need to change or there will be no holidays? Set down the rules and see if he observes them for a short trip? How about skiing or sailing?

We are in a similar situation with widowed MIL and I do find it wears me down. I find I am increasingly in need of personal space and quiet, and just the presence of another person puts me on edge. It's hard balancing the needs of an older person and children all the time and I get home feeling like I need another holiday to actually relax! It also seems to have set up an expectation - we do a fortnight with her every year out of our limited annual leave and budget but she often seems upset or offended by us taking other trips either on our own or with other family members. It's very hard to explain the need for space especially to an older person whose life is so much quieter and more solitary a lot of the time. It's very different to being in the thick of parenting and working when a holiday is so precious.