Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Not wishing to bring anyone down any further, but the DH ostrich thing is sounding familiar. Just wondering if anyone else also gets concerned thinking, how would he cope if it was me that was ill, and how good an advocate would he be on my behalf?

It shocked me when I was asked if I had set up LPAs for myself and I realised that my gut reaction was that DH would not be my first choice.

@funnelfan it's on our list of things to do but keeps getting shunted out of the way by parent emergencies/trying to catch up with house maintenance shunted ny previous parent emergencies. I admit it is something I'm concerned about.

You can DIY the LPAs and it isn't a massive job. When you are happy with it you print it off, do all the signing and send it in. I did mine at the same time as I did my mother's because it spiked all her arguements. It's too early, I might not need it, you could sell the house from under me - everything she said applied equally to me and if I thought it was worth doing when I was thirty years younger than she was then why should she not do it?

The most difficult thing was finding someone to act as certificate provider.

@countrygirl99 that sounds so familiar 🤔🤣

Good advice all, I realised with my aunt that having named persons for PoA and executors as siblings doesn’t work when you live into your 90s because the 80 something sisters couldn’t email, didn’t use mobile phones, were going deaf and believed they were in charge of everything to the point of arguing with the solicitor😮. And all financial planning was based on what they read in the papers!

@Juneday @countrygirl99 I so well understand. My dh and his siblings have lots of knowledge of physics, history, law, maths etc but not one ounce of understanding about anything biological or health related, or any kind of awareness about social care / funding. My skills sets are the opposite. I feel I am gently leading them towards something, only to find I have to also kick them from behind to get anything to actually register.

And the trouble I have now getting dh to think about his own POA!

When MIL was initially approaching her death the care home nurse was very relived that I was the person who visited and could fully understand what was happening. I am very glad it was me too. It prevented a futile transfer to hospital and allowed a peaceful death in kind and quiet surroundings.

I'm not sure having family works at all! I've had a terrible experience with my fellow executor (half-brother) and expect it to be even worse when my mum dies.

My parents also put their house in a trust and neither as executor for my Dad or attorney for my mum Will the trust company give me any information!

The most difficult thing was finding someone to act as certificate provider. Who did you choose? (I’m about to replace my EPA by a LPA)

@Juneday this is why POA with us have now gone two generations down. The 90-somethings are still going. The 70-somethings mostly died first. Now it's with the 40s and 50s two generations below who are all still working full time and have young children at home!

Neither of my sons have children so we don't have that option. The partner of the one that lives in the UK can't have children and the other lives abroad. If his wife got pregnant today I'd be 83 by the time they are 18 as well.

@MereDintofPandiculation I needed someone who knew both mum and me so I didn't have a massive group to choose from. I have a friend who has known my parents for as long as she's known me and she was willing to do it. I witnessed her will at the same time. The further complication is that mum didn't want anyone knowing her business so that knocked her neighbours out. It doesn't need to be a professional so I could have provided the neighbour with a bit of paper explaining what they needed to do but then they would have known and that was unacceptable.

Oops, missed a bit. I should have said that I needed someone who knew both mum and me as I was doing my LPA at the same time as mum's.

@Knotaknitter Thanks! I was afraid there was something that I hadn't noticed that meant it would be more difficult than I had anticipated.

Things with my parents are getting worse. I wrote to the GP and social worker last week as my dad told me that my mum had repeatedly punched him and pinched his nose until he couldn't breath (he has lung disease so this is very bad) The response from the GP to the email last Monday is to make my mum an appointment face to face tomorrow with a GP that she is very vocal about disliking (she tells anyone who will listen that he kills people) so that's a disaster waiting to happen.

Only contact to the family from the GP was to tell us to raise safety concerns with the social worker. We've done this and heard nothing at all, not even an acknowledgement. The social worker has previously stated that she doesn't have my parents consent to discuss them with myself or my siblings (so whats the point of raising yet another safeguarding concern?)

This will be the third time my mum has hit my dad. The previous 2 times social worker called the police. The police interviewed both of my parents in the same house and my mum found it hilarious that they told her to stop assaulting him. The police then left each time leaving him alone with her.

My dad is physically disabled, catheter, cancer, lung disease , getting increasingly frail , social worker says he has no care needs

Social services put in 2 care visits a day because of my mum's behaviour, but my parents don't allow the carers to do anything other than make them a cup of tea

In between extremely angry, aggressive outbursts, my mum stays upstairs in their house and sleeps most of the day.
She still drives and will go and get 'lunch' which is fish and chips everyday. My dad also has a swallowing problem and has been told to eat a soft diet. He gags on his food and is sick every time.

This week, my mum reversed her car into the gate post, she's refusing to contact her insurance company as she has decided they will write off the car, repairs are going to be expensive as she's destroyed the back bumper.

Neither my mum or dad will even talk about POA.

What do we do next? Just wait until she does something really bad?

Oh God @Lightuptheroom how awful.

Your Dad is clearly a vulnerable adult. I think the focus should be on him as the victim here of domestic violence. I can't suggest anything though except to keep reporting it to everyone- your dad's GP, police, adult safeguarding.

Would your dad agree to respite care for a bit?

No idea how you get another ‘opinion’ from an independent SW, but your SW appears to be out of their depth and absolutely blocking process.
There are a handful of posters here who might have specific knowledge about what happens in this instance.
This has been relentless for your poor DF and you. Shame your DM doesn’t take herself off for a holiday somewhere and let everyone else regroup. 💐

@Lightuptheroom that sounds a nightmare. Does your LA have a complaints procedure?

MIL is back at the hospital having been discharged back to the care home Friday evening. Different problem this time. Last night she was complaining of pains in her arms so paramedics called, ecg fine but they've taken her in for tests so she might be back at the home today. This is the 4th time since last July. 2 have been admissions for about a week and one back same day.

That should be late July, not last July

@Lightuptheroom . I would put concerns in full in writing to their GP so they have that on record and same to head of social services, and look up to see if your LA has a dementia nurse service and whether you can contact them. Ours did and although they don’t have many powers they know how things work and who to contact. Your mother needs to be assessed and I expect she has depression, but from what you say would refuse an assessment and medication. I can’t understand your SW, if this was a mother and child situation surely they would act!?

Could you call 999 for an ambulance?, I know it isn’t strictly needed but we were forced to call them twice by DN and GP. The paramedics were so knowledgeable and also had influence on MiLs care and got her visits extended. I believe everything they see is recorded and passed on to the GP? So again it builds a picture.

I agree with others some sort of respite is needed as a start.

MiL very agitated and screaming and being difficult at nursing home, we have been advised GP will prescribe anti depressants. BiL visited and described her as 2% lucid, recognised him but then was screaming help me, take me out, etc etc. We were advised not to visit after that. DH says the heat will have affected her sleep and this will be part of the cause …. BiL hadn’t seen her like that before, he didn’t realise how many times I have - including in her home and when the neighbours called me. I am not sure what triggers it - rather hoped the many assessments she is having would conclude - but if anti depressants calm her that will be good news all round. 🤞🤞

Thanks all
Dad is a very obstinate man. He won't pay for respite (has the means to do so) has never in living memory paid for a holiday. My mum doesn't have the means to pay for a holiday for herself. His view is that holidays are an expensive waste of time.
Dad gets problems with catheter blockages, recently paramedics were called, they immediately raised yet another safeguarding as my mum thought it was hilarious that dad was screaming in pain. None of us are close enough to 'be there" in any situation, and because they both apparently have full capacity then the professionals won't discuss the situation with us.
The district nurses who visit my dad twice a week don't think my mum has capacity, yet every referral they've made has been bounced back to social services (even when my mum smacked him over the head in front of the district nurse)
We've been told that the SW is arranging an MDT, this was at the end of June.
She's never seen by the GP as during 'normal' periods she rings and cancels any appointments, the GP doesn't follow this up at all despite repeated requests to do so. She has no insight at all into her current behaviours and thinks everyone else is delusional or in the wrong.
The standard response from the SW is 'what do you want us to do' how the hell do we know what they need to do? She may have dementia, she might not, but how can they continue to be in one place without intervention. It feels like we're sitting on a ticking bomb with everyone refusing to hold on to it in case it explodes in their face !

The other major issue we have is dad views social services with extreme suspicion and that any involvement from them will result in him being 'put in a home' , so he often blocks anything they are trying to put in place almost through fear. It doesn't matter how many times anyone tells him it isn't so. Probably because he knows that if they did remove mum he would struggle to cope alone. This has meant that for care assessments he tells blatant lies, like he makes his own dinner etc.
We can't stop this as they both ban us all from any appointments, other than with consultants he's under for the health needs, so we only ever hear their very twisted side of the story
Social services will only put certain things in place, mum doesn't meet threshold for a day centre, dad won't attend a day centre , so they're literally left with mum flinging verbal insults and fists at him 24/7. Mum's argument is that she's the only one who looks after him, and in a strange way she's right.

@Lightuptheroom what a nightmare and whilst I do understand the time and staffing constraints of the services involved I find the GP system is failing. The joke is medical
school places to continue to be oversubscribed but bright keen potential doctors who are turned away. (But that’s another story). Whilst elderly medical and mental health needs must be a huge NHS issue I am not convinced enough training is given.

At one point when we were going through frustrations with care for MiL I wrote to my MP who is fantastic, often seen in Parliament, kind and keen and replies to every email - eventually. I would add your MP to your contacts and ask their advice too.

Luckily we've been there for social services assessments as mum can seem quite with it in the moment and will happily tell the SW that she manages her own finances using her tablet. It hasn't worked for about a year, she's never used online banking in her life and she can't even manage her paper bill. The newsagent has been sending it to DB who does a transfer from mum's account since the beginning of the year when they threatened to stop delivering it hadn't been paid for so long.

@countrygirl99 we never know when the assessments are taking place, impossible to attend from 3 hours away at short notice as working full time. I did try to 'accidently' be there but my mum stated that she had visitors and it was time for me to leave!

@Lightuptheroom without POA you are really stuck. If your parents are anything like mine they will pull every last mental resource together to put on a show of coping for the SW. Dad would never tell the SW about any of mum's problems, just sit agreeing with her.
FIL was the same wuth telling SW he was coping fine, then he would moan to us about not getting some type of help that he would never realistically get anyway having turned turned down perfectly reasonable offers of respite. Then he would lie to us about what had been offered by SW to try and get one of us to move in to look after them even though that would mean the carer had to sleep in the very small living room that the kitchen was accessed through.
And people used to tell us we were lucky to have all 4 parents still alive at 80+.