Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

That’s painful @venusandmars. your poor DH.

Oh, poor Fil, his sense of duty in telling people must have been so strong. Sending hugs to you all

@venusandmars warn your DH this might happen again (and again). We had tths with mum. She even phoned me to tell me dad had died 15 minutes after I had spent several hours with her helping her choose music for the funeral. It only stopped after the funeral. Every time she was convinced that the hospital had only just phoned.

@venusandmars that is so hard, I feel for him and the family. Sadly this may happen from time to time and it is not easy to deal with. @countrygirl99 i assume your DB has total PoA and DM can’t make any changes anyway so any contact she attempts to make will hopefully be dealt with sensitively by the bank. With MiL we say don’t worry we have done that and kept 🤞. It got to the point where she would ring and just got stuck in a queue and thought the recorded voice was a real person who couldn’t hear her…or was being rude to her. If she got through and couldn’t remember her passwords. I found 4 letters at least with new details for each time she forgot. It must be tough for them though, my MiL used manage the office for a building company, she was efficient and organised at home too, everything filed and labelled and a little ledger of spending, every receipt going back 20 years…. So letting go and asking for help was hard. I don’t think my DD will ever admit to needing help with finances, but he forgot his pin enough times for his card to stop working just recently. 🙁

i assume your DB has total PoA and DM can’t make any changes anyway so any contact she attempts to make will hopefully be dealt with sensitively by the bank I don’t there’s anything in the PoA that stops the Donor acting even though Attorney can deal with things? That is, if the PoA is written that it can take effect while Donor has capacity. Our solicitor warned us against both acting at the same institution because “banks get confused easily”. She wouldn’t have needed to give that warning if it were no longer possible for the Donor to act once I’d started acting as Attorney. I’d advise DB writing to bank explaining situation and instructing them not to take instructions from her. Probably won’t make any difference but will make it easier to get compensation.

Although it’d be a miracle if she got through the bank security questions.

Mum managed to get a new cheque book despite the POA when DB took hers away because he'd had to phone and stop 6 missing cheques. We suspect that they were from when she lost her debit and credit cards and I took her cash so she could go on her regular minibus to the supermarket. DB transferred the money to me and she couldn't understand she didn't need to write anyone a cheque. We thought they were probably from her calling me to ask who she needed tp pay a cheque to and as she'd partially written it thrown it away but she had no memory of what she'd done. That was also when she got in a mess with her paper bill and hadn't paid for so long they were going to stop delivering so she could have written them out to the newsagent but forgotten to take them round. But she still thinks she is perfectly capable of managing her finances herself and gets quite put out.

What do you do when an elderly parent with obvious cognitive decline but no diagnosis decides to trust some random person they've met at their local shops and rings you to tell you that this person has offered to be a contact and help them 'in an emergency '

My mum can't remember this person's name, keeps saying it's wonderful because she 'knows her' and has apparently offered to help whenever it's needed.

We have no idea who she's talking about and are very concerned. I still have friends where my parents live and they think it may be someone who is known to befriend elderly people for their own gain .

Talk to the local police about this on 101, I think.

@TheShellBeach what would I say? My mum says that this woman is her friend, but can't tell us her name. My mum is not listed as being vulnerable as she avoids GP appointments. I don't know who this person is or where she lives, or even what sort of conversations they've actually had. Unsure how 101 can help?

I suppose it's possible that they know of some fraudster in the area who does this?
I'm actually not sure there's anything else you can do, realistically.

You can report the concern, what area it's in and ideally what street or shop if you know. That could help them establish if there's a known person preying on elderly people.

MIL is in hospital again having had breathing difficulties again on Thursday. She's refusing to consent for tests to try and find out the cause and refusing to take medication. SIL had to go and help calm her down as she was distressed. Because she can't talk she can't explain why she won't consent/ what she wants.
She's going in so often the plan now is to make sure she has 1 visitor a day rather than everyone going as often as they can. But visiting is 1-6 so not really convenient for people to go after a work.as it's at least a 40 minute drive for anyone. DH will work through lunch tomorrow but it will still be around 5 before he gets there.

Joining the new thread!

@countrygirl99 sorry you're in trouble
@Lightuptheroom I am watching with interest - DM has renewed acquaintance with the over-familiar carer of whom I have deep suspicion. This was the carer employed to care for my DF who befriended my DM. DM has kept in contact with her as a 'friend'. I have no recourse as my DF died 18 months ago and i wasn't involved in her employment but it's so wrong that she's still preying on DM and I can't refer/report to anyone.
My DM is objectively capable but she's sad, lonely, vulnerable and she thinks this lady is her friend. As with all abusers, the fact that I disapprove is used to alienate me from DM. 🙁

@TheIoWfairy if the lady is a registered carer then you are allowed to query her involvement with your mum, contact the agency she works for.
We still don't know who this 'friend' is and my mum seems to have forgotten about her at the moment.
We have other difficulties at the moment as dad disclosed that mum has been punching and pinching him. We have no diagnosis for mum as she avoids the GP.

The carer in question was sent by an agency to provide respite when my DF was sick. I didn't worry until she kept hanging around after DF died.
Unfortunately I don't remember the agency details of her employment and, of course, DM considers no fault of her 'friend'!

@countrygirl99 would the Sister/nurse in charge agree to extended visiting hours for you all? I have to say 1-6 seems a particularly odd choice of hours for the very elderly.

Just horrified at the very vulnerable situations you're describing @TheIoWfairy and @Lightuptheroom. I'd be inclined to talk to Adult Safeguarding within the local council?

DH started work early yesterday so he could get to the hospital mid afternoon and that meant he managed to have a good talk with a doctor. It sounds like we've reached the phase where it's a constant round of infections and symptom control getting increasingly difficult until the end. With my dad that lasted 18 months, with DHs dad a few weeks. She has oedema which is causing the breathing problems. It's been a longstanding issue in her legs due to her immobilty that she has been taking diuretics for but it's got very hard to control and is affecting her lungs causing the frequent breathing difficulties. She won't permit any tests to try to find out the cause so it's treating the symptoms. She is being awkward about her medication, again a longstanding problem. She regularly decides that today she won't take a particular tablet and it's apparently random which one(s) she won't take. She hates having her legs elevated and creates distressing other patients in the bay. She is always very particular about how things are placed on her tray. E.g. she likes to have a glace of water and a glass of squash but the water has to be on the left and the glasses have to be the right distance apart, her tissue box has to be absolutely square to the side of her tray. If things aren't just so she creates. Other patients are complaining about the amount of noise she is making. They've tried making sure she has a call button in easy reach of her good hand but she throws it away. She was like this behaviour wise even when she was at home and ran FIL ragged. Before the stroke she was a really sweet, wouldn't say boo to a goose person.
8 1/2 years ago when she had the stroke we were told to expect her to die within days. It was a big clot in a particularly bad place and FIL had been out for the day and no one knew how long she had been lying there so they couldn't give her clot busters. 97% of patients with thos type of stroke die in a few days, most of the rest are bed bound, blind and deaf. She recovered much more than anyone expected but was that a good thing? What is a life unable to talk read or right for someone who would chat to anyone and loved her historial romances? We later found out that a neighbour had seen her in the garden less than an hour before FIL got home. She must be so frustrated living this half life.

@countrygirl99 glad your DH got to speak to a Dr, I have mixed views on restrictive visiting hours and I know there has been a campaign for changes particularly for those with dementia whose family often know how to help them most. Certainly with long journeys involved, it is so important for the patient and the family.

I have once did some formal a limited studying in psychology and things learned from stroke victims have informed and added depth to how brain damage can alter personality traits in ways that hadn’t been thought possible. A friend had a mini stroke recently, a fit 50 something, they didn’t want to see anyone until their speech was improved. Initially they could barely find more than word. It is shocking and scary for all. MiL has on 2 occasions refused meds it seems to a reaction to stress and lack of control maybe. But she was so determined and angry.

I agree with you about her quality of life. So hard for you all.

@Juneday Sunday morning we got a call for someone to go and help calm her down as she was so distressed.
There's definitely an element of being fussy about the few things she can control. We've seen her do it at the care home. She will smack her lips which is her way of saying she wants something to eat and a carer will go through the list until she nods at e.g. a yoghurt. Then they will bring a selection of flavours and she will choose 1. She will eat 1 teaspoon full and then decide she doesn't want it and it has to be taken away instantly or else she screams. Then 10 minutes later repeats the same thing exept it will be cake or a sandwich. It's like attention seeking. And heaven help any carer who puts her drinks down with the squash on the left and water on the right (she always has to have both or else)! So few things she can influence the little things get so important.

@countrygirl99 in a way you have to admire her strength of character. I remember MiL making a fuss during one very long visit to A&E about being hungry and this really kind young doctor went and bought her an egg mayo sandwich, which luckily she said she loved, she took 2 mouthfuls and handed it to me saying she didn’t want it any more. I really don’t like egg mayo so I had the sandwich in my handbag for 3 hours until she let me leave her side to find a bin! It is a strange thing how demanding and argumentative she has become over last few years. I would never ask a doctor to get me food 🤔 and I don’t think she would have 5 years ago. I have started to look for telltale signs in my parents, repeating things several times, forgetting PIN numbers, getting really anxious about things out of their control and angry outbursts about things of no consequence. I can see years ahead of old people worries. MiL had DOLS assessment with psychiatrist this week and told him the nursing home was too big, she has no friends and she wants to go home - then later I can’t go home I am not safe. I don’t expect she told him (we know it was a male dr) about the little boy that comes to guard her bed at night 😮🤔. I expect like many she will sleep badly in this heat which will have a negative affect on her mood. I hope your MiL is kept cool in hospital - I usually find it too hot.

These stories and observations should go in a book and be recommended reading at medical school and nurse and social care training etc. I will be interested to hear how much time relative studying medicine has in lectures about dementia and similar issues.

@Juneday after dad was in hospital I was convinced they deliberately pick nursing staff who know nothing about dementia! In fact the only person on the ward who seemed to understand that his notes said all updates to my brother as wife has alzheimer's for a good reason was one of the ward clerks. Her mum had alzheimer's. She was really lovely when dad was dying during covid restrictions. Rules were only 2 visitors and same one's every day, but she made sure to tell me that seeing as mum has dementia his 3 children could take it turns to come as mum's carer.

We found out yesterday that MIL was diagnosed with heart failure over a year ago and that is the underlying cause of her current issues but they suspect more is going on now. DH is puzzled no one told him but I know it's because he won't ask questions if he might not like thr answer and prefers to stick his head in the sand until the shit hits the fan. But he won't change so just have to bite my tongue. Luckily I guessed it was that and had revisited what I found out when dad was diagnosed. I get a bit frustrated that he thinks I just know everything when it's actually that I prepare myself for foreseeable issues so already know the answers when he's panicking. And breathe.

@countrygirl99 that could be my DH too! even when he has attended the odd hospital or GP visit he couldn’t see what I could. Her fretting and weird stories and confusion were always excused away. He did go to cardiologist with her because I insisted because i knew that as she would refuse pacemaker he needed to hear that and could maybe reason with her. She refused and is on medication instead.

I hope she is getting good care.

I think burying head in sand is a sort of coping mechanism, or not coping mechanism. DH took a lot of time to realise how dementia (which was only diagnosed after my insistence on writing to GP) and other issues were having such an impact on MiL health. And twice I have been the person a doctor has asked about DNR. I wouldn’t expect anyone other than direct family to have that conversation for my parents. Luckily that was one thing DH spoke to siblings about and all agreed, but it is very uncomfortable being their spokesperson at times.

I've given up on suggesting he thinks about how he will deal with stuff even where its 90% likely. I know the response will be not now I'm boiling the kettle/ about to feed the dogs etc. I just quietly check out stuff and wait for him to panic. He copes by ignoring stuff, I cope by being prepared and going into project manager mode.