How to have a conversation about the future

[TheOutlaws]

PIL are in their mid-late 70s and difficult.

We don’t really have a relationship, and DH ‘manages’ it from afar (2 hours away). They are ND (undiagnosed, obviously), FIL has Parkinson’s, MIL has a list of ailments getting longer by the day. Always been old before their time, fixed mindset, won’t listen, you get the picture.

They live rurally and are holding onto driving licences by the skin of their teeth (MIL’s currently revoked due to neurological issue). They are talking about moving nearer, but this has been put on hold due to ailments. They refuse to get taxis, so I think are putting pressure on other relatives to drive them to appointments. FIL is hoping to fall off a roof any day, to put an end to the understandable misery of Parkinson’s. MIL is more realistic and knows she needs to make plans for when they’re more poorly/less able to help themselves.

They want to see more of the kids, but then can’t cope having them at their place or ours (very well behaved 10 and 8 year old boys, 10 year old ASD/ADHD, which they refuse to acknowledge). They can’t go for walks. They cause a scene in restaurants by making faces and being rude to staff.

My gut feeling is that there is no conversation we can have that will help them with their current situation. How have you handled tricky older relatives, and what was the outcome?

Our POAs haven't taken too long, considering how important it is. About two months from start to finish earlier this year.

We had this with my sadly now deceased fil. Both fil and mil had heads in the sand indefinitely, things were only going to change when it was forced upon them, and then fil had a stroke. One thing I wish we had done in advance is properly research care options, both homes and at home options. So that it wouldn’t be as daunting when choices needed to be made.

I now have a similar situation brewing with my own parents, it’s a very difficult thing to have to discuss. But I’m an OC so when the time comes all decisions will pretty much come down to me. 😔

Quick update: went for a drive through lots of villages/towns about half an hour from us, at MIL request. Notes lots of details/amenities/links. MIL suddenly seems serious about selling up, so we gave her our top recommendations, which tended to be small towns rather than villages, which just don’t have what they need.

I think it’s FIL who is the sticking point. He just wants to go to Switzerland/fall off a ladder. She’s trying to placate him still, but I also think she’s cracking on with the move despite him.