Teenagers’ rights and grumpy grandparents

[FreeFoFun]

I read an MN thread about a woman having difficulty getting teens together for a photo for grandma. The comments were divided between showing respect for the teens’ boundaries and saying the teens should have some consideration for grandma.

Looking at society nowadays, I wonder if we have gone too far with self-care and with lack of tolerance for people who are not good at making others feel comfortable. I see this with grandchildren (not mine) who make no effort to see a very kindly but grumpy grandparent.

I agree that teens are vulnerable and should be taught to protect their boundaries and practise self-care. But at the same time, don’t the young have a duty to respect the elderly even if it’s not a completely fun experience for them?

GiveupHQ · Today 08:11
What doesn’t the “very kindly but grumpy grandparent” respect their grandchild by not being grumpy.

That would be a start”

Agree with this. Takes effort on both sides to make a relationship work. Had a great aunt who was most put out if people didn’t write a thank you letter on receipt of gifts. Did she do so? No, never.

A change of attitude of teens and grandparent, would help them to help each other. I understand this is easier said than done but the effect is amazing.

Yep- I was amazed recently when 17/18/19 year olds didn’t come to a family funeral because they’d have been bored. I suspect they weren’t close to the deceased, which is a good reason not to attend, but I found it strange that was the reason given, and repeated several times at the wake- it was so long, mine wouldn’t have coped 🤯

I suspect they were being polite. It's just an excuse because you can't really say they couldn't give a shit that granny died.

Because they are children. It's the adults job to build and maintain the relationship. Lead by example So you really do mean children can be as obnoxious as they like and GPs must tolerate it until such time the children finally decide the GPs are worth having. Wow.

Like I said, I didn't go to dad's dad funeral. No idea what excuse was given , probably me not being arsed/caring or busy or whatever.

I didn't go because he was an alcoholic,abusive arsehole who on top of it all tried to sexually abuse me when I was 14.

It was easier to save face and say I was the flakey uninterested teen (or whatever was said-mum mentioned it once but I didn't care enough to remember exactly)than getting it all out in the open.

This is just stupid!! Of course it is one-sided in the beginning - in a family relationship, how could it not be?

My parents met my dd the day she was born. Funnily enough, she knew nothing of respecting or supporting other people as a newborn. It was for the adults around her to set the tone of the relationship, and I am grateful that my parents treated her with the greatest of love and respect from Day 1. Of course she learned to reciprocate and it certainly isn't one-sided now, but it's ridiculous to suggest that she could have initiated that kind of relationship... she was a tiny baby!!!

Some people seem to be lacking in basic logic!

That's not what anyone is saying at all. They are rather suggesting that, if the grandparents invest in the relationship in the early days and show a lot of consideration and respect for their grandchildren, it is highly unlikely that the grandchildren will be obnoxious towards them in the first place.

You reap what you sow in my experience.

And what you seem to be arguing is that it's OK for the grandparents to not treat a child with love and respect until the children are at an age when they are somehow able to "earn" this by showing respect to their elders...do you not think that the boat might have sailed by that time, and that the relationship might have been irreparably damaged by the grandparents' lack of care until that point? Your argument makes no sense at all!!!

It's a case of 'children live what they learn' as the poem goes

"if they live with patience, they learn to be tolerant"

So if their grandparents demonstrate patience and affection as a child they will in turn demonstrate tolerance and affection as they grow.

"if they live with criticism, they learn to condemn"

So if grandparents are constantly critical or unpleasant then in turn it will be likely that they will give this back to them.

It's down to the adults - the relationship they build with their grandchildren will be reflected back to them.

If they don't bother then no, they should not be able to demand anything of the grandchildren because of 'respect for your elders'. That's just bullying.

Exactly!

The problem often isn’t the teens or the elderly relative… it’s that preoccupied, overwrought selfish parents haven’t facilitated the growth of a bond as the children grew up so they are basically strangers to one another. I think teens and elderly people can get so much from each other - it’s a shame families are so fragmented these days.

My father was notoriously grumpy. In fact, his grandchildren nicknamed him Grumps from an early age. However, he was a fantastic father and grandfather. He would give every one of his 12 grandchildren his last penny. They knew if they phoned Grumps up at midnight to ask for a lift home because they’d missed the last bus he’d moan and curse whilst getting his coat on. He cried at their weddings, he cried when holding them as babies, he cried when they were upset. He followed each and every one of them in the sports they played.
When he died, the crematorium was absolutely packed out with people having to stand outside to say farewell to the grumpy old man who loved to moan.

His grandchildren carried his coffin, and they all sobbed whilst doing so. They loved and respected him more than anyone else.

That's an interesting perspective, but I think the responsibility for facilitating the growth of that bond doesn't sit entirely with the parents. My almost adult dd has a fantastic relationship with her grandparents but I am not sure that I can claim much credit for that...the credit only really goes to my parents for putting in the effort to build the relationship. All I had to do was not get in the way!

I do appreciate that more facilitation is required when significant distances are involved. Then again, my parents resolved that by moving to be closer to us.

No, I’m arguing that both sides treat the other with respect, accepting that on the child’s side it will initially be what they are taught. And of course I’m not suggesting that a new born baby should be expected to respect anyone. It’s lacking in logic to suggest that I am.

Remember that not everyone has a complete suite of GPs living within a stone’s throw and visiting every week. For many people, the reality is a relationship at a distance. To develop into a relationship of real love and affection (rather than the theoretical love because these are the children of one’s child) there needs to be a basic level of respect on both sides, commensurate with age.

I think sometimes parents think that the closeness "just happens" because of blood relation and maybe in the past that did used to count for more. Agree with PP that there does need to be facilitation by the adults, especially with distance. You can't expect to get something from nothing.

It's not a bad thing that younger people prioritise thought who treat them well or who bring something positive to their lives though. I've seen people absolutely martyr themselves for hideous sounding members of their extended family, just seems like a depressing waste of time to me.

Exactly this. People at either end of the age range may have certain difficulties related to their ages. The people in the middle can facilitate.

Exactly this.

my parents never met my children as deceased but my inlaws are wonderful. They live in another country but put so much effort in to the relationship with no expectation of a quid pro quo I.e I gave you £50 for your birthday so come on a walk with me.

as a result, my children (teen and tween) adore my inlaws and they have a very very special bond.

My “ex” inlaws that is (but I remain very close to them and my ex)

But your point was specifically that the support and respect should not have to come from the grandparents first. My point is that it inevitably has to start with the adults because that is how babies and young children learn to treat other people.

I constantly see thread where the Op is being advised to…

go NC with MIL / DM

or to “leave your husband to take the children to MILs, as she’s so rude / disrespectful to you”

or the dreaded “no is a complete sentence”

but if a child doesn’t like a member of extended family or they are not treated well by the family member, some posters seem to think the child should just suck it up. Why? Simply because the family member has a few decades over them

Not going to lie I did struggle at about 13-14 but once I got past that I loved seeing my grandparents. Even the grumpy ones.

I adored one set of grandparents. Unwavering throughout childhood and teens

the other…. Thought my siblings and I were spoilt and made it abundantly clear. Hated that we were privately educated. I engaged with them at the bare minimum when we visited. And felt so much relief when we left

I think we're probably agreed. I think it has to come both ways, as far as is age appropriate, You think it has to come from grandparents first because very young children aren't capable. I think we're saying the same from different perspectives.

It's probably not the same posters!