Teenagers’ rights and grumpy grandparents

[FreeFoFun]

I read an MN thread about a woman having difficulty getting teens together for a photo for grandma. The comments were divided between showing respect for the teens’ boundaries and saying the teens should have some consideration for grandma.

Looking at society nowadays, I wonder if we have gone too far with self-care and with lack of tolerance for people who are not good at making others feel comfortable. I see this with grandchildren (not mine) who make no effort to see a very kindly but grumpy grandparent.

I agree that teens are vulnerable and should be taught to protect their boundaries and practise self-care. But at the same time, don’t the young have a duty to respect the elderly even if it’s not a completely fun experience for them?

I didn’t read the thread

the devil is in the detail

why didn’t the teen want to be in the photo? Just a case of grumpy teen OR the grandparent in question had been nothing but rude and critical about the teen all day?

I agree with this, that's what got to me. If people can't be bothered to do something nice for their own grandmother what hope is there really as a society. I find it extremely depressing.

FreefoFun, I think courtesy is a good word - treat everyone with courtesy, but respect is earned.

I read the thread and would be telling teens to stop being ridiculous and think of someone else for five minutes.

Just for clarity, I wasn’t thinking about grandparents who are evil child murderers. Just people who aren’t the best and most enjoyable company due to ill health. And maybe seem boring and tiresome from a youthful perspective.

For context I think the 150 miles of travelling for said photo had more to do with them (or rather their mother) not wanting to do it.

I thought the OP and her family were travelling TO the SIL and the teens, so no long journey involved for the teens.

300 round journey just for a photo? No family lunch or anything?

I think the trouble with the internet is that so many conversations about difficult relationships are about one person being a raving narcissist and the other person having to go no contact because they’re so toxic.

I really wasn’t thinking about that kind of scenario. More about people who aren’t delightful fun.

Not “the Internet”

Mumsnet! 😂

😆

That thread did not have anything about how the teens felt. It was about the adult DD being cross that a SIL was making arrangements and there was a context to the DD being resentful of the SIL.

ANYWAY.... I agree that everyone should show respect no matter what age they are. FWIW from my own perspective if a photo was wanted of me when I was a teen. For my paternal GPs I would have sucked it up even though I hate photos (as was obese and teased for it as a child). But my paternal GPs loved me and fostered a relationship. For my maternal GPs I would have gritted my teeth massively as they were awful people and treated my mother and my sister and I appallingly. I mean- abusively. I can recall being punched and hit for example and my GF physically abused all of his children. Yet we were made to play happy families and it was all for show. A photo would have been for show as well and I would have found it very difficult to tolerate. But my mother would have gone along with it and saying no would have had violent consequences.

So context is always important. I would never make my children do anything for people like my Gps.

I think teenagers should make time for grandparents who have been a part of their lives. I think I got a bit slack in my teenage years and my mum wouldn't tolerate that at all. Gave me a bollocking and she was absolutely right!

However, we didn't have much of a relationship with my other granny (no grandad on that side) and that didn't change in teen years. She wasn't very nice and didn't like children despite having four. So I think you need to judge on the actual relationship not just "but she's your gran".

This isn’t relevant to the question asked but:

So you’d respect a domestic abuser? A child murderer? A racist? A rapist? Nope. Not here

yes is the answer. I’d respect them and the rule of law hoping that they would go to prison for the appropriate amount of time for the crime committed and that justice would be done.

Respect isn’t the same as love or even like, it doesn’t mean rolling over and letting people have their own way regardless of your own boundaries.

it is the mark of a civilised society though and keeps us away from the looting, rioting and mob rule.

Now back to the matter at hand, it starts with the small with the tiny little marks of respect. Holding the door open for a frail elderly person you don’t know even if they don’t appear grateful. Standing up on the bus. Encouraging your toddler to stop making loud rude personal comments in public, ensuring your teenagers continue to play some role in family life.

@IWonderWhereThatDishDidGo
I agree with your opening sentence.

My ds can be a very grumpy teen (although generally no bother) and while I don't insist he comes to every event, he understands that it's important he's there for his grandparents birthdays, special occasions etc
These are grandparents that have been incredibly involved and kind/supportive his whole life and I find that when he occasionally forgets this, a gentle reminder from helps.

I absolutely wouldn't insist he's thoughtful about more 'fair weather' family members, polite to them yes but if he has a better offer then I wouldn't have a problem with him not attending a family event!

Honestly it worries me how many parents truly believe their kids shouldn’t ever have to do anything they don’t want to. They don’t teach their kids compassion, or the idea of putting others first now and again. It’s all about “my kid’s boundaries” and teaching them to out themselves first always.
Then they wonder why their kids become selfish and have no resilience or ability to cope when things don’t go their way.

I think perhaps we have a different view on respect and it’s definition.

I respect the law so that drives me actions

i do not respect a child murderer. So if they asked me to do anything, including appear in a photo. It would be a flat no!

Why are we assuming the teens never do anything they don't want to do? They're just not doing this, and there are many possible reasons why.

@Coxspurplepippin the Op had only researched photographers in her area (150 miles away from SIL) which suggests she originally expected SIL to travel. Op did say they could meet halfway or go to SIL but didn’t know what photographers would be available. IME organising things for your in-laws is a recipe for disaster and OP should just let her OH sort it out 😁

I’d respect them and the rule of law hoping that they would go to prison for the appropriate amount of time for the crime committed and that justice would be done.

I am not talking about imposing my own form of justice! So the law is irrelevant. We were discussing “respect”

do I respect the law? Hell yes

So hyperbolic

I come at this from a totally different angle from you. I respect people and treat people with respect unless they’ve proven that they don’t deserve it. Even then I wouldn’t be a twat to them because what’s the point? It’s wasted energy.

How ironic, given the post above where you’ve for some reason linked not wanting to be in a photo with someone to that person being a child rapist. Unless I’ve missed a very significant drip feed from the OP.

Yes but a lot of the responses were people saying "oh my teens wouldn't do this either, I wouldn't ask them to, they wouldn't like it, they're very busy" which I imagine is what OP is talking about.

The grandparents in question weren't abusers, though, were they?

Personally, I think anyone who has lived a decent life - not hurting others, making their way in life and contributing to society to the best of their ability, being kind when needed - is worthy of respect.

I was specifically referring to a poster who said we should respect anyone and everyone. Not the OP!