Teenagers’ rights and grumpy grandparents

[FreeFoFun]

I read an MN thread about a woman having difficulty getting teens together for a photo for grandma. The comments were divided between showing respect for the teens’ boundaries and saying the teens should have some consideration for grandma.

Looking at society nowadays, I wonder if we have gone too far with self-care and with lack of tolerance for people who are not good at making others feel comfortable. I see this with grandchildren (not mine) who make no effort to see a very kindly but grumpy grandparent.

I agree that teens are vulnerable and should be taught to protect their boundaries and practise self-care. But at the same time, don’t the young have a duty to respect the elderly even if it’s not a completely fun experience for them?

Exactly

we agree then

my default is respect unless their behaviour demonstrates that respect isn’t warranted

I didn't see the thread but I think there's a balance. Yes teens need to sometimes do things they don't want to do. Yes this might occasionally include being nice to grumpy grandparents. But the grandparents also need to recognise that if they were less grumpy and spent some time talking to the teens about what they're interested in rather than moaning, the teens might be more willing to spend time with them.

I have three teens and a very grumpy MIL - can you tell?!

This

By all means discuss any other hypothetical situations but ... if you want to reference a particular situation, let's stick to the facts as presented.

I'm glad my DCs were far more generous and accepting of their lovely grandparents.

Awful to be the parent of some entitled teen.

thank you

I didn’t read the thread but just knew it wouldn’t be as black and white as some were recounting it as being ie bad teen kindly grandma

But the internet is not real life. I work in a secondary and the vast majority of parents encourage good behaviour and good manners in their teens and an awful lots of teens are resilient, helpful and community minded. I hate this teenage bashing, it’s just as ageist and disrespectful as it would be if it were directed to elderly people.

I wouldn't hang out with someone who is habitually grumpy, so I wouldn't expect anyone else to.

I think the idea that teenagers should not have to do anything the don't want to or makes them feel uncomfortable about has gone way too far. It is an excuse that is affecting their attitudes to learning and in the workplace. We are doing them a great disservice by teaching them that they can always put themselves first and just opt out.

So assuming said teens happily accept their grandparents gifts at birthdays and Christmas and manage to forget about any grumpiness, I think they could manage to put themselves out a little for a bloody photo.

I genuinely can’t believe parents are teaching their children that they don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do.

Why are you lying? My children wouldn’t want to sit for a professional photo shoot, I don’t make them. That doesn’t mean they ‘don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do’.

Really?
You never see family members who have a tendency fur grumpiness or who are a bit harder work or You don’t really get on with because your have nothing in common? You only spend time with people you appreciate and enjoy.

Thats unusual to say the least.

In my experience, teenagers and grumpy older people can be amazingly similar to deal with, not that either would be pleased to admit it 😀

I think elderly grandparents are so under valued by some teens.

Between my 80 year old nan & grandad they have 160 years of life experience between them and their seemingly “boring” stories at the time are some of my favourite memories I have now. I believe on that thread the grandparents live a fair distance away so it’s not like they’re in each others pockets.

Obviously not everyone has nice grandparents but most are very loving, I do believe if it’s just a case of “oh this is boring” sorry but suck it up and do something nice for your Nan 😂

Errrm… I work schools too. I do see a significant amount of children who are clearly taught that the whole world revolves around them. They are genuinely shocked when they have to do things that they haven’t chosen to do, and struggle to cope. And no it’s not “teen bashing”, because I see it in younger kids too - that’s when it starts. And of course it’s not all kids, but it’s becoming more and more noticeable. I don’t actually blame the kids, they are a product of their upbringing, and their parents have done them no favours.

Haven't rtft but I have at least three elderly relatives (late 70s to late 80s) on Facebook. One family photo has been regularly reposted since 2008. A photo does not only last a few seconds!

Bit of both. I do see far more selfish behaviour in young people, with mental health as a catch all excuse for anything they don't fancy, it belittles genuine mental health issues!. Older people too need to be less grumpy, but in the scenario, of course teenagers should pose for a photo!

Yes - my sister and I treasured time spent with our grandparents. One died when I was 12 and the others when I was in my 20s. I'd say to any young person, make the most of your grandparents while you have them.

I agree with you op. It's not about elders instantly deserving respect but about teenagers needing to understand that they are live in a society and not in their own bubble.

Sometimes in a society we do things to make others happy. No one is suggesting we force teenagers to visit abusive grandparents but should a teenagers desire to only spend time with their mates or on their hobbies come at the expense of family duties? I don't think so. We need to teach teens how to balance doing the things they love alongside other things they consider chores or more mundane aspects of life. They should be taught to see the value in all people even if they are older, boring, set in their ways etc.

My children visit a disabled relative and it brings great joy to that person. We always try to base it around a meal so there's a duel purpose. I will expect them to continue to do this as they get older, that's part of being in a family.

I don't think I ever spend more than about 5 minutes in conversation with any of my grandparents. It's not that they were horrible people, we just had no relationship.
I don't see why kids should be taught they have to invest time and energy into people who don't reciprocate. If there is already an active, loving relationship it's unlikely to be an issue.

Me and my bf (not teenagers) had a conversation about this. He firmly believe you don't have to do anything you don't want and I'm more for obligations and duty (strong words but can't think of others). Like if it is my grandma's 90th birthday then I'll go. I don't even think if I want to. I do it because it is my grandmother and she will he apply to have all her grandkids there. And I expect my partner to feel the same. But he believes that you can just think about it on case to case basis and see if you want to.

Obviously toxic family and relationships re different blaablaa but I'm talking about average family that gets along.

Nope just a factual observation from someone who has been working with kids for years.

I think doing things you don't want to is learning important lessons that will help in the future i.e. when entering the workplace. Some folk are in for a huge shock when "I don't want to do that" isn't pandered to anymore and is met with "well, there's the door then".

I really agree with this. Some teens are awful and selfish, like some adults. But many are thoughtful, considerate kids who care about those around them. I don't like the constant teen bashing either.

As a teenager, I did indeed become too busy to see my maternal grandparents every time my parents did. Plans, away with friends, away at uni etc. I still had a relationship with them, would've happily done a photo shoot for them, and even paid myself to go visit them a few times on my own. That's because I loved them and they were genuinely nice people and grandparents. Not perfect, but I could literally feel their love .

On the other hand I didn't see my dad's dad since I was 14. I didn't even go to his funeral. He didn't deserve it, respect is earned , not inherited.

They have always respected and supported her, so she is inclined to support and respect them in return. That way round, then? And so one-sided? Grandma respects and supports GC so they reward her by respecting her? Why not GC respect GM, and she rewards them by respecting them?

Isn’t it better to start with tentative respect on both sides, GC because they’re taught to, GM out of familial duty, then deep respect hopefully grows on both sides?

Because they are children. It's the adults job to build and maintain the relationship. Lead by example.