Teenagers’ rights and grumpy grandparents

[FreeFoFun]

I read an MN thread about a woman having difficulty getting teens together for a photo for grandma. The comments were divided between showing respect for the teens’ boundaries and saying the teens should have some consideration for grandma.

Looking at society nowadays, I wonder if we have gone too far with self-care and with lack of tolerance for people who are not good at making others feel comfortable. I see this with grandchildren (not mine) who make no effort to see a very kindly but grumpy grandparent.

I agree that teens are vulnerable and should be taught to protect their boundaries and practise self-care. But at the same time, don’t the young have a duty to respect the elderly even if it’s not a completely fun experience for them?

I couldn’t believe people on that thread were saying the grandchildren shouldn’t put themselves out for the sake of a photo.

I don’t think it’s necessarily about respecting elders, just that sometimes we have to do things in life we don’t particularly like, or want to do.

What doesn’t the “very kindly but grumpy grandparent” respect their grandchild by not being grumpy.

That would be a start

Bit of both?
Getting older isn't a get out clause for kindness and manners either.
Respect does go in two directions.

I'm all for not forcing kids to hug people they don't want to etc, but a photo literally takes seconds. My child's grandparents are all very involved and generous with time and money so I would absolutely expect my child to sit for ten minutes for a nice photo for them for a special birthday.

I didn't see the thread - why didn't the teens want to get together for the photo?

But at the same time, don’t the young have a duty to respect the elderly
there is no “duty to respect” anyone if they don’t warrant respect

I genuinely can’t believe parents are teaching their children that they don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do. Sorry but that’s not real life. We all have to do things we don’t necessarily want to do. In work for example we might be asked to do things we don’t want to. That might make us uncomfortable eg a big presentation speaking in front of others. Or I have a smear booked. Do I want to do it? No. Does it make me uncomfortable? Yes. But I have to. It’s utterly ridiculous

I'd need to know the context of this one.

there is no “duty to respect” anyone if they don’t warrant respect

I beg to differ we should respect everyone regardless.

respect doesn’t mean giving in to unreasonable demands.

taking a picture for grandma is not an unreasonable demand 😅

I didn't see the other thread either.

But surely this is about the overall quality of the relationship more than anything else? My teenage dd would do anything for her grandparents but that's because they have invested so much time and effort in building that relationship over the years. They have always respected and supported her, so she is inclined to support and respect them in return.

They are FAR too busy to take an hour out to go to a photographer what with their incredibly busy lives. Not to mention, they don't like having their picture taken and it's cruel to force them. And you can't expect a teenager to give a shit about family members, it's friends who are the important people in their lives - they have to prioritise, and grandparents just don't make the cut.

I appreciate what you are saying. If someone was nasty to me I wouldn’t have a duty to respect them. Respect is probably not the right word for what I’m saying.

I mean in the sense that someone in their 80s or 90s has vulnerabilities that deserve to be treated with some humane compassion. Like, if they were a stranger and you didn’t know whether they were a good or bad person, you would still give them your seat on the bus.

So you’d respect a domestic abuser? A child murderer? A racist? A rapist? Nope. Not here

Surely it depends what kind of relationship there is. I'd have been thoroughly bemused and unimpressed if my granny wanted a photo of us, having never bothered with us before.
I don't think being old and related warrants automatic respect and obedience.

taking a picture for grandma is not an unreasonable demand 😅

indeed it isn’t. Unless of course the grandma in question relentlessly puts down, disrespects and criticises the teen in question.

Are you really saying that someone who is "grumpy", doesn't deserve any respect? 🙄None at all? Ever?

Exactly. Being “elderly” doesn’t give you a never expiring get out of jail card

Huh? No.

That thread was obviously about the adult relationships and not the teens - daughter did not like that daughter in law was making arrangements, and so was making it difficult/impossible to take the photo. No evidence there at all that the teens didn’t want to.

That is not what I’m saying

I don't think their grandma is any of those things. If she is, that's a massive dripfeed from the OP

Saw that thread. Thought it was very sad that so many were saying they wouldn't facilitate a family photo if their teen didn't want to. What about teaching your kids that sometimes you just put someone else first, especially someone who plays such an important part in your life and probably loves you as much as anyone possibly could. Really sad for the grandmother in question on that thread as it sounded like it was own daughter who was being the difficult one just because she isn't keen on her SIL. Petty and selfish.

We’re going around in circles

that poster should we respect anyone and everyone irrespective of anything

and it was that comment I was responding to

I don't necessarily think elderly people should be respected just because of their age. But I do think teenagers should learn they sometimes have to do things they don't want to, and to think about other people's feelings not just their own. Eg it might be boring for a teen to go out for afternoon tea for a grandparent's birthday but it would make the grandparent happy to have the teen there so in this case the teen should suck it up. Similarly with the photo thing I get cross with anyone being so precious about having their photo taken so absolutely the teen should be told they have to be in photo.