Am I being unreasonable?

[Hetty104]

My mum came to live with us around 8 months ago as she wasn’t coping well on her own and didn’t want to go into a home. We have the space so it wasn’t a problem.

But now I'm having second thoughts…….. we also live here as a family of 4…….
DH works away during the week so he gets a break.
DD goes to her father’s every other weekend and DS has a full time job and has plenty of friends to socialise with at weekends/evenings.
My issue is….I never get a break……
I wake up in the morning at 6 come downstairs at 6.30
and she is there………. Asking stupid questions i.e is it cold outside side htf do I know?? I’ve just woken up.
She them continues with…….have I fed/walked the dog yet is DD awake, is the milk man coming today ?? & on and on it continues until I leave the house at 8am.
When get home from work around 3/3.30 she complains she’s cold I’ve left her a plug In radiator to use but she refuses.
if I go out she complains I'm never home, then
continues with who am I going out with where am I going etc etc.
In the morning she will
asks what time I got home/
how I got home
and what did I have to eat / drink etc I don’t want to have to explain.
when I'm out she’ll text me stupid questions like what time is DS back,
I feel I have just got to a stage in my life when I don’t need to justify my whereabouts and can start to enjoy life.
without having to justify myself to my children now I have my mum to deal with. I feel I cant relax
when im out and constantly checking my phone.
In the morning she will
asks what time I got home/
how I got home
and what did I have to eat / drink etc I don’t want to have to explain. I end up lying because she will question how much i drank, what time I got
home.

when I'm out she’ll text me stupid questions like what time is DS back,
do I have a key to get in ffs im 52 ?? I don’t know he is 19 I don’t keep tracks on him. I know she doesn’t have anything else going on in her life other than us but I just feel so resentful I have taken on this huge task and she doesn’t seem to appreciate anything I do. I cook, clean for her when I serve up a family meal I have made from scratch spent 2 hours in the kitchen cooking it she replies with mmmm not to my liking wtf she would happily eat a takeaway every weekend but as a family of 5 its so expensive and she doesn’t offer to contribute. She pays a small contribution to the household bills for electricity, water, food etc. She is housebound unless I take her out. But with a 30 hour week job, a teenage daughter to run around after and a DH to make time for I feel my life is not my own. Even booking holidays now is becoming difficult as she has an opinion on this too.
If I buy something new for the house she will have an opinion on this as well,
as to how much it cost did I really need it ?? Shakes her head and tutts.
We would like to get a puppy this year but she is dead set against this. I just feel she has to much control over my life and our families life,
do you think I'm being unreasonable……
does anyone else have a similar experience?

It is a big step to take an elderly person into your home as they can be hard work. It obviously isn't working for you but hard to change now without a lot of upset but it sounds like it would be better for all of you if she was in a home.

You need to be honest but gentle that you thought you could cope but you are just too stretched and you need your space. You love her, you enjoy her company, but can't cope and you need her to have some form of supported living or a home close by where you can see her regularly but where others are doing the work.

Could she attend a day centre or have a carer/ companion visit? Does she claim attendance allowance? This could pay for some company for her.

I know you said she is housebound, but are there any clubs you can see if she would like to do?

could she do zoom calls with clubs. The clubs here sometimes do a pick up drop off

could something like that help?

Were not a very open talkative family with my mum anyway……. I don’t even know if she is happy here with us or not. Its hard to broach the subject.
but at 5k a month for a care home I don’t think she will be up for it. I feel stuck

This. It sounds like a nightmare living like this.
She’ll moan endlessly if you insist she moves into supported housing, but she moans endlessly anyway. And she isn’t paying her way either by the sounds of it. Plus, as she gets older she’ll inevitably get worse.

No she’s not interested in anything.
she even complains about doing a jigsaw puzzle says its to difficult.

she can’t even be bothered to get dressed in the morning she just sits around all day in her dressing gown.
the only day she gets dressed is on my day off in the hope ill take her out.

She claims pension credit but doesn’t seem to want to spend it. Even going for a coffee she moans about the cost.
i know its a different culture but she’s so negative.

Look online at council befriender schemes. Your dm needs to take some responsibility for her own days!

I will thank you.

I don't know if you are like me but I was in denial about the way my mum was going. She sounds very similar to the behaviours from my mum after my dad died. Although she lived in the granny annex so I had some space she was constantly phoning me to ask random questions - "Because if I don't ask you now I'll forget". In the last few months became "Oh dear I have forgotten what I wanted" which became "This wasn't why I rang but" and finally "I know why I rang - when you have five minutes can you take me to the toilet/pour me a drink/change the tv channel - no rush!"

Could it be that this is the beginning of dementia?

This sounds like an absolute nightmare for you 💐

I know you've said you're not very open and talkative, but something is going to have to give before someone (more than likely you( end up breaking and saying something you can't take back.

Can you start a conversation with her, saying you feel like she's not happy with you, and list some of the examples you've given, say you feel like she's stressing about you and the kids and there's no need to and ask for input into what else shes unhappy about, then from that you can tell her the things you're unhappy with, and make suggestions for changes.

If having a conversation doesn't work then you're going to have to make some difficult choices, but ultimately its your home, and your space.

I imagine living with a parent again is a difficult dynamic as an adult, especially one who doesn't respect you as an adult, but if you're honest with her, and allow her to be honest with you, then there might possibly be some change.

This must be so so hard!

In your position I think that I would take charge a bit and insist on a private carer popping in daily even if she has to pay for it. I think that you could ask them to support her to get up and dressed each morning, take her out somewhere a couple of days and make her a lunch she likes. Hopefully they’ll become the focus of the questions a bit too.

With the constant questions I think that I would put something like a whiteboard on the fridge which says something like “Hetty is at work and will be back between 5.30 and 6. DS is at college with friends, we don’t know what time he will be back. Dd is at school and will be back at 5 etc” I’d include the answers to the most common irritating questions. Eg “everyone has their own keys and can let themselves in” Update it when you get repetitive questions and reply to texts to say “details are on the fridge”

Neither of those are perfect solutions though!

No she is so switched on. She remembers everything.
if i forget something ie leave money for the window cleaner,
take a bag to the super market she sits there and shakes her head as she reminds me constantly. Even down to collecting dd from the school bus.
ive been picking her up for the last 11 years at the same time does she think ill just forget. Even feeding the dog,
putting the bins out……. She has nothing else to think about thats the problem.
i feel like such a bitter bitch

I've thought of all these things…….
but teenagers plans change all the
time……..which would just lead
to more questions.
if I'm stuck in traffic back
from I’m stressing as she will have questions asking why I'm late etc, she’s only trying to make conversation, to be honest a lot of it is my issue i just want to get in from work and have 30 mins to myself.

It does sound really tricky- I hope that you manage to find a workable solution.

when we were growing up, she always wanted to know where we were we had a time to be back by.

im much more lenient with my children.
my DS has girls who are just friends stay over…… my daughter loves to be busy and is a real people person and loves to be around people so is often out and about. I don’t think she likes this and wants me to take more control.
I always know where they are and as long as they are safe then I’m happy with this arrangement.

You are doing your best OP and no one can finger point for that. It’s just time for a chat with her, and I would make it all about needs to get the best response “mum, I’m worried you are not happy here” “ I’m worried we are neglecting your needs as we are too busy to support you” the you can mention the prospect of supported living and how she can be around other people and make friends. You just can’t go on like this, you’ll end up ruining your relationship for ever.

When she moved in with you, did she sell her house? What happened to that money? Could she move to a retirement village instead of a carehome? How is her health? Can she walk about, prepare meals, shop etc? How old is she?

Are you on nextdoor.com? Find out what things are available locally for older people. It might be hard love- but book her into them! My MIL volunteers at a luncheon club. I think its £5 for a 2 course roast meal. There is sometimes entertainment and they collect/drop off for an extra £2.

My own mother in her 70's has joined a group which do various outings on a mini bus. Museums, plant nurseries, theatre shows etc. Would she be able to join in things like these?

Maybe speak to Age UK about what other housing options might be available, as its clearly not working. Sorry, but depending on her age and health- this could be your life for another 30yrs!

Thanks for your honesty.
i was hoping most people would say im being unreasonable which would be easier.
if you understand what i mean. X

YANBU but I'd never have moved her in to start with. I'm not sure how you can handle things as it stands. Would she consider/can she afford sheltered accommodation nearby, so she would have people her own age to mix with?

I get it, if everyone says that you're being awful then you won't have to do anything about this because its just a you problem.

Now you know that everyone thinks it's an awful way to live, you know you'll have to confront this somehow.

It's not an enviable position at all op, but you really do deserve peace and happiness in your own home.

She is 84. She would be to stressed to go out, she would worry all morning about what would happen is she needed
the loo,
if they agreed to collect her at 12 she would be waiting from 10am she would worry about locking the front door not being able to get back in, the list is endless.
she is a worrier but won’t take any medication for this. I have even thought about giving her something to calm her nerves without her knowing. I’ve offered for her family to come and stay with us when I go away, but she just says no. Her house is currently going through a sale at the moment, but it was only a small house so the money won’t stretch very far.

You and your family are now here entire world and she’s opinionated. If se going to stay, and it seems like she is, then you have to change your mindset, like a child let it wash over you… yes mum, be back in a bit etc . Don’t engage so much in your head. It’s not going to be easy. Plus tell her you can’t pay for her, so if she can’t (won’t) pay then she doesn’t get… she’s saving a bloody fortune living with you.

id also find a nice coffee shop and stop off on way home and it would be money well spent.. or a car park and a book. Until she gets used to you not being home At same time every day. If she asks just blame work/traffic and ignore

Would carers in her own home be an option ie don’t sell it? This isn’t sustainable for you. It would drive me nuts and ruin the relationship!