Am I being unreasonable?

[Hetty104]

My mum came to live with us around 8 months ago as she wasn’t coping well on her own and didn’t want to go into a home. We have the space so it wasn’t a problem.

But now I'm having second thoughts…….. we also live here as a family of 4…….
DH works away during the week so he gets a break.
DD goes to her father’s every other weekend and DS has a full time job and has plenty of friends to socialise with at weekends/evenings.
My issue is….I never get a break……
I wake up in the morning at 6 come downstairs at 6.30
and she is there………. Asking stupid questions i.e is it cold outside side htf do I know?? I’ve just woken up.
She them continues with…….have I fed/walked the dog yet is DD awake, is the milk man coming today ?? & on and on it continues until I leave the house at 8am.
When get home from work around 3/3.30 she complains she’s cold I’ve left her a plug In radiator to use but she refuses.
if I go out she complains I'm never home, then
continues with who am I going out with where am I going etc etc.
In the morning she will
asks what time I got home/
how I got home
and what did I have to eat / drink etc I don’t want to have to explain.
when I'm out she’ll text me stupid questions like what time is DS back,
I feel I have just got to a stage in my life when I don’t need to justify my whereabouts and can start to enjoy life.
without having to justify myself to my children now I have my mum to deal with. I feel I cant relax
when im out and constantly checking my phone.
In the morning she will
asks what time I got home/
how I got home
and what did I have to eat / drink etc I don’t want to have to explain. I end up lying because she will question how much i drank, what time I got
home.

when I'm out she’ll text me stupid questions like what time is DS back,
do I have a key to get in ffs im 52 ?? I don’t know he is 19 I don’t keep tracks on him. I know she doesn’t have anything else going on in her life other than us but I just feel so resentful I have taken on this huge task and she doesn’t seem to appreciate anything I do. I cook, clean for her when I serve up a family meal I have made from scratch spent 2 hours in the kitchen cooking it she replies with mmmm not to my liking wtf she would happily eat a takeaway every weekend but as a family of 5 its so expensive and she doesn’t offer to contribute. She pays a small contribution to the household bills for electricity, water, food etc. She is housebound unless I take her out. But with a 30 hour week job, a teenage daughter to run around after and a DH to make time for I feel my life is not my own. Even booking holidays now is becoming difficult as she has an opinion on this too.
If I buy something new for the house she will have an opinion on this as well,
as to how much it cost did I really need it ?? Shakes her head and tutts.
We would like to get a puppy this year but she is dead set against this. I just feel she has to much control over my life and our families life,
do you think I'm being unreasonable……
does anyone else have a similar experience?

@Hetty104 thats disappointing.

OP- I'd be tempted to follow 'her' advice and get no carers in when you are away, but have a planned visit after 2 days or so. Another option would be a trial of a weekend- when you are ALL away and leave her to it, then see how she is on your return.

Mums cousin was in a similar situation. She went away and when another relative visited- the mother was disheveled, hadn't eaten, not taken her pills etc and clearly wasn't coping. She was dehydrated and taken to hospital where she was assessed and it was clear she needed more support. In her case though- it was the hospital (OT/physio/Dr) that said he needed more support and there was less blame on the daughter! The mother obviously lied to them about how much she really did herself at home- nothing. The daughter spoke to the health professionals separately, how she could no longer care for her etc.

I'm not saying this is ideal to burden the NHS further, nor make her suffer, but sometimes being left alone might her realise how much you do for her.

Your Mum’s care needs sound quite high - mentally and also physically. And don’t rule out cognitive decline/early stage dementia. She sounds a bit like my Mum - who even now when she is mid-late stage can still remember things like the plot of the book we’re reading or where my BIL is going on holiday. Her dementia manifests much more as general confusion and problems with thinking things through logically. With your mum the confusion and anxiety, finding a jigsaw “too hard” are all red flags. If she is starting to decline that will make talking to her logically about what to do harder. And it sounds like she is in denial about the extent of her needs.

I agree with some others here that setting good boundaries for yourself is important. Stop answering the phone and txts all the time. Find firm for yourselves outside the house. Don’t feel guilty about the little white lies you need to tell to get some time as a family.

then you probably need to bite the bullet and have the hard conversation about how this isn’t working…