Am I being unreasonable?

[Hetty104]

My mum came to live with us around 8 months ago as she wasn’t coping well on her own and didn’t want to go into a home. We have the space so it wasn’t a problem.

But now I'm having second thoughts…….. we also live here as a family of 4…….
DH works away during the week so he gets a break.
DD goes to her father’s every other weekend and DS has a full time job and has plenty of friends to socialise with at weekends/evenings.
My issue is….I never get a break……
I wake up in the morning at 6 come downstairs at 6.30
and she is there………. Asking stupid questions i.e is it cold outside side htf do I know?? I’ve just woken up.
She them continues with…….have I fed/walked the dog yet is DD awake, is the milk man coming today ?? & on and on it continues until I leave the house at 8am.
When get home from work around 3/3.30 she complains she’s cold I’ve left her a plug In radiator to use but she refuses.
if I go out she complains I'm never home, then
continues with who am I going out with where am I going etc etc.
In the morning she will
asks what time I got home/
how I got home
and what did I have to eat / drink etc I don’t want to have to explain.
when I'm out she’ll text me stupid questions like what time is DS back,
I feel I have just got to a stage in my life when I don’t need to justify my whereabouts and can start to enjoy life.
without having to justify myself to my children now I have my mum to deal with. I feel I cant relax
when im out and constantly checking my phone.
In the morning she will
asks what time I got home/
how I got home
and what did I have to eat / drink etc I don’t want to have to explain. I end up lying because she will question how much i drank, what time I got
home.

when I'm out she’ll text me stupid questions like what time is DS back,
do I have a key to get in ffs im 52 ?? I don’t know he is 19 I don’t keep tracks on him. I know she doesn’t have anything else going on in her life other than us but I just feel so resentful I have taken on this huge task and she doesn’t seem to appreciate anything I do. I cook, clean for her when I serve up a family meal I have made from scratch spent 2 hours in the kitchen cooking it she replies with mmmm not to my liking wtf she would happily eat a takeaway every weekend but as a family of 5 its so expensive and she doesn’t offer to contribute. She pays a small contribution to the household bills for electricity, water, food etc. She is housebound unless I take her out. But with a 30 hour week job, a teenage daughter to run around after and a DH to make time for I feel my life is not my own. Even booking holidays now is becoming difficult as she has an opinion on this too.
If I buy something new for the house she will have an opinion on this as well,
as to how much it cost did I really need it ?? Shakes her head and tutts.
We would like to get a puppy this year but she is dead set against this. I just feel she has to much control over my life and our families life,
do you think I'm being unreasonable……
does anyone else have a similar experience?

I did this and it was the worse thing I’ve ever done, so I feel your pain. I don’t really have any solutions-one thing I did was arrange for her to go a day a week to a local rest home. I told her it was a condition of her staying and amazingly she went, unwillingly. I also arranged for a cleaner to come twice a week, more to chat to my mum and just take a bit of heat off me.
I found my mum started to become almost jealous if any other family members needed my time, she wanted all of my focus to be on her. It’s very, very difficult and the stress becomes overwhelming. One piece of advice I was given was to mentally distance myself a bit from her and that did help me a bit. Good luck.

That’s great advice, thank you. I do take a lot of this on my shoulders,
so it is partly my own fault.
its just her mood, if i go out spontaneously or get held up chatting she acts like a spoilt child/teenager.
I have started to put some of your suggestions into place and it does seem to work.

She sounds lonely. Can you look into whether there's any day centres locally or Age Uk run ones or something.

I have an 84 year old mother and I have long been totally clear when she, or my father, got on my nerves. Yes, sometimes I have been told "that's rude" but there was no way we'd have a decent relationship without it. The way I see, she'll be grumpy and upset whether I say it or not. I don't live with her but have to stay there a lot to help out. No way could I live there.

When you say she couldn't cope living alone, in what way? Is it too late to stop the sale of her house? What would make it work better or do you just need her to live not in your home?

I am worried about mum in terms of dementia sometimes. My sister had a massive career achievement last week, mum showed no interest, then tried to claim she didn't understand it. I think in reality, nothing will make her smile now, or at least there are periods where she's like that. It was like winning an award, so not much to understand.

But maybe it's just how her brain is now.

Anyway, I don't think it's good for you that she lives with you and it sounds like she'd be unhappy anywhere.

She’s already sold it 😡

She sounds disinterested in life, bored, not happy. I don't think this is working for any of you.

i think your right.
the only time she is happy is if we all go out together as a family.
but this os just not practical.
a we want/ need our own time
b shes in a wheelchair
c is so expensive to take an extra person all the time.

if we leave her at home she becomes grumpy and becomes selfish. We now lie to her and say we’re going somewhere where we know she won’t want to go like a noisy restaurant/ city centre/ concert etc

Could she move to a retirement living flat? My PILs live in one, it's really good for people who can't cope on their own but aren't ready for a care home yet. YANBU by the way!

She doesn’t want to go, she can’t drive, she’s such a stressed person this would only stress her even more.

It's not sustainable for you/your family or your DM then. Bottom line, it's not making any of you happy.

Please don't feel bad, you've gone into this with the best intentions but you can't give up your happiness (or sanity!) for your DM...when she's clearly not happy and sounds anxious. On the side, can you speak with her GP about her anxiety?

What about a weekend away for all of you, to talk about all this?

We thought about this, but i think this would be a stepping stone for her. Before she moved in with us she wasn’t really eating anything because she couldn’t be bothered. Her house was becoming smelly and dirty because she had no little or no interest.

Could you 'go on holiday' for a week and book her into a retirement place where they offer respite/short stay?

Do you think she could be depressed op ? Would she see a Gp?

That sounds like depression or dementia. Do you have POA? Can you speak with her GP?

I’ve offered to take her to her sisters house for a few days she just doesn’t want to go.

she needs a wheelchair,
commode,
special bed shes also partially incontinent so not ideal

yes i can try but she wont take any medication to help her sleep or her anxiety

I looked into this, she doesn’t want to go says she’ll be fine at home alone, I have people to pop in on her.
the care home is 1.5k a week 🤦‍♀️

Possibly,
but she wouldn’t take any medication for it. She uses a walker around the house so she’s pretty immobile so not sure if it’s depression or she’s just frustrated

I do get how you are feeling. My mum is in a home now but pre pandemic I cherished the time I spent away from the house. On a Friday I would meet my husband from work with the excuse that we were going shopping. I would leave the house as early as I could and sit in the diner with a cup of tea and a book for an hour so that I could have some time on my own. I would also meet my husband on his lunch hour and we would sit in the car with a picnic so I had some time away from the constant demands.

So sorry you’re going through this OP. Are you an only child? If not are your siblings able to help out at all?

It does sound like she is depressed. It must be difficult for her losing her independence, her home, getting older, being partially incontenent etc. it’s hard for her and it’s hard for you. There’s been some great advice here so far and I agree that if this to be permanent you need to find a way of emotionally distancing yourself from it all. You’ve done a wonderful thing letting her come and live with you but it’s not a bad thing to miss you independence. Could you commit to taking her out once a week? It made me sad to read she only gets dressed on the one day she might be able to go out with you. And then beyond that draw some harder boundaries eg. Make it clear you cannot give hard and fast times when family members will be in/out of the house but you can guarantee mealtimes will be at x time?

Its crazy I dread coming home. All she wants to do is dob my son in
for not taking the rubbish out, having a girl stay over using all the eggs for an omelette. Then she’ll start on dd for always being on the go i bat off comments
like well he's a growing boy, you would complain if ds had boys around and was gay i say at least dd is not say in her room all day playing on xbox she’s never happy & always looks on the negative side

Great advice. I think she doesn’t get dressed because she can’t be bothered to get undressed at the end of the day. I always have a rough set time for supper if we are late eating i will just prepare some soup or cheese on toast for her supper which sometimes is ideal then she will go to bed early so at least i have an evening

My 90 year old neighbour gets picked up once a week by Guild Care and spends the whole day there. They accept anyone over the age of 55 and do activities and get a meal there. Is this something she could look in to. It doesn't help with giving you free time as you will probably be working whilst she is there. Could keep her occupied though with people of a similar age.

My mum was exactly the same when she came to live with us. Always questioning what we were doing, what our 2 DS were doing, when would they be back. I don't know I don't keep tabs - they are in their twenties! If we said we'd be a couple of hours to take a DS back to uni she'd call bang on the 2 hours all worried. I felt our life was not our own where we couldnt stop for a coffee without her panicking.

In the end it was clear it wasn't working. I felt awful but I investigated homes, bit the bullet and told her it wasn't working. I then sold her house for her and used the funds to pay for care. So much better for us and honestly she was much happier too.

The home had a.strict routine, there was always help, the food was better than mine, they did the washing better than me, they helped her more than I did etc etc.she enjoyed the activities and company. We were all better off and got on better because of it.

Your current situation sounds unsustainable - I would have gone mad with either of my parents living with me, and I think my mother would have been very much like yours.

If she is mobile and independent enough to be able to cope while you are out at work all day, she doesn't necessarily need to be in a care home. There are places that are in between independent living and a care home that might suit her, eg something like an Abbeyfield house or other sheltered housing development where residents get their own studio/one bedroom flats but there are communal lunches and activities with staff on hand, and carers available for extra support if needed.

https://www.abbeyfield.com/sheltered-housing/