Am I being unreasonable?

[Hetty104]

My mum came to live with us around 8 months ago as she wasn’t coping well on her own and didn’t want to go into a home. We have the space so it wasn’t a problem.

But now I'm having second thoughts…….. we also live here as a family of 4…….
DH works away during the week so he gets a break.
DD goes to her father’s every other weekend and DS has a full time job and has plenty of friends to socialise with at weekends/evenings.
My issue is….I never get a break……
I wake up in the morning at 6 come downstairs at 6.30
and she is there………. Asking stupid questions i.e is it cold outside side htf do I know?? I’ve just woken up.
She them continues with…….have I fed/walked the dog yet is DD awake, is the milk man coming today ?? & on and on it continues until I leave the house at 8am.
When get home from work around 3/3.30 she complains she’s cold I’ve left her a plug In radiator to use but she refuses.
if I go out she complains I'm never home, then
continues with who am I going out with where am I going etc etc.
In the morning she will
asks what time I got home/
how I got home
and what did I have to eat / drink etc I don’t want to have to explain.
when I'm out she’ll text me stupid questions like what time is DS back,
I feel I have just got to a stage in my life when I don’t need to justify my whereabouts and can start to enjoy life.
without having to justify myself to my children now I have my mum to deal with. I feel I cant relax
when im out and constantly checking my phone.
In the morning she will
asks what time I got home/
how I got home
and what did I have to eat / drink etc I don’t want to have to explain. I end up lying because she will question how much i drank, what time I got
home.

when I'm out she’ll text me stupid questions like what time is DS back,
do I have a key to get in ffs im 52 ?? I don’t know he is 19 I don’t keep tracks on him. I know she doesn’t have anything else going on in her life other than us but I just feel so resentful I have taken on this huge task and she doesn’t seem to appreciate anything I do. I cook, clean for her when I serve up a family meal I have made from scratch spent 2 hours in the kitchen cooking it she replies with mmmm not to my liking wtf she would happily eat a takeaway every weekend but as a family of 5 its so expensive and she doesn’t offer to contribute. She pays a small contribution to the household bills for electricity, water, food etc. She is housebound unless I take her out. But with a 30 hour week job, a teenage daughter to run around after and a DH to make time for I feel my life is not my own. Even booking holidays now is becoming difficult as she has an opinion on this too.
If I buy something new for the house she will have an opinion on this as well,
as to how much it cost did I really need it ?? Shakes her head and tutts.
We would like to get a puppy this year but she is dead set against this. I just feel she has to much control over my life and our families life,
do you think I'm being unreasonable……
does anyone else have a similar experience?

Ive no advice but want to say you sound like youve really gone above and beyond and unfortunately now is the time to rethink. Your mum could live another 10 years and your life will become intolerable.

I honestly think you need to involve her sister and make a decision to find somewhere that can give her what she needs without the family dynamics getting caught up in it.

Sending you a hug x

My mother refused to consider that she had a problem with anxiety. If I was five minutes late because of traffic she would assume I was dead in a ditch. It was always the worse case scenario. I'd never tell her anything that was happening to me because she'd be on the phone every five minutes with complicated solutions to my "problems". It was very wearing for me, it must have been horrible for her. Once she was in residential care the staff suggested that she try a mild anti depressant known to relieve anxiety and I wish I'd pushed for it decades ago.

Her anxiety is affecting your lives, she can't see it because that's just how things are but it doesn't have to be that way. It's hard to stop being the deferential child but if she weren't your mother you'd pull her up on her behaviour, tell her not to be so selfish and to get to the GP. If there's ill feeling, well let it be awkward. Your whole family is entitled to the quiet enjoyment of their home and that includes you.

You need to have a serious conversation with her - her not getting dressed signifies depression.
I couldn’t continue to live with her - say it’s not working for you and look at care homes. The money - yes £1500 a week - would come from her house sale - yes it’s a lot but your enjoyment of life / family life matter more surely?
You can book her in for a social services assessment too as her needs sound quite high - only you can change this for the better.

She has nothing else to think about thats the problem. Yes, you’ve hit the nail on the head. Her entire world is your family.

you say she has too much control, but actually she doesn’t have any control. She can’t stop you getting that puppy.

Along with all the other suggestions, you need to carve out time for yourself. I’d start by not answering phone calls when you’re out. I’d have one day a week which is your time, and you let the family know you’re not available. Ok, you’ll have to go out rather than spend it relaxing at home.

I might even think of setting up breakfast in your bedroom. Have time on your own before facing the world.

Agree with pp its not going to be sustainable. Re this We would like to get a puppy this year but she is dead set against this.
Why is this when you have a dog already? Is it about the attention a puppy would need and she thinks would distract from her?

Oh god this would drive me mad. Tbh OP I think I'd have to tell her this isn't working out and that as her house is sold she needs yo start looking for something - a sheltered housing flat perhaps?

I can see this is the future with my own mither who is 10 years younger, and alrwsy driving me mad if I don't answer her call twice a day first time or tell her the details of my kids lives (teenagers - health issues - they don't want it broadcasting!) Thankfully there's no way she could move in here - we just don't have the space... though she was asking if we'd ever move the other day.. the answer was no we can't afford to but maybe that was the wrong answer given she has a large property...

LittleOwl153 · Today 10:44
Oh god this would drive me mad. Tbh OP I think I'd have to tell her this isn't working out and that as her house is sold she needs yo start looking for something - a sheltered housing flat perhaps?”

This. You can’t continue this way, to your own detriment.

You have my sympathies. This is one of the reasons we didn't move my mother in with us when DF died suddenly. My DM would have been exactly the same - wanting to know chapter and verse on what everyone was doing and then criticising. I'd already stopped telling her a lot of stuff over the phone as her fear and anxiety for my safety (as a 50+year old mother of 2 DCs who'd been married for 25+ years) knew no bounds. It's not like I was doing anything dangerous - just normal life.

We kept DM in her own home (75 miles away) and got Social Care to do an assessment and provide carers. She had very good, longstanding neighbours who were willing to help in an emergency. We organised a cleaner. I did Tesco online shopping for her which ndn topped up with stuff from M&S which mum liked. She had a fall alarm. She wouldn't go to a day centre/lunch club even though Social Care offered transport and it was only 1 mile away. "Why would I want to spend time with room full of strangers?" was her attitude. Couldn't see that they might actually be quite nice and become friends!
We drove over virtually every weekend to do jobs in the house and take her out and thankfully DB was able to work his job around her medical appointments. It wasn't ideal but she 'survived' 2+ years and more importantly so did we. DH would have left me if I'd moved her in here!

You are either going to have to put in some very firm boundaries or move her out into sheltered housing with carers - for your family's sanity!

Agree, I'd have murdered someone by now!

Not sure a puppy won't just add to your stress though OP.

Hugs, it sounds so difficult 😞

@Hetty104 Have you looked into home instead?

They come into your home and can provide personal care or tasks for your Mum e.g. cooking her lunch etc. The one that may help the most is they will just sit and chat.

I think its just the cost, time it will take to walk, train then she’ll be wondering if she will be left home alone with it during the day ( which of course she won’t) she’s not a dog lover but tolerates the dog we have a the moment as she’s old. X

I think its the cost, she wont say why ? She can afford it. I have a lovely friend who said she will come and take her out once a week obviously ill pay her as she’s out of work at the moment. But mum just says she’s fine. I’ve arranged cover for when we are away if i ask Dm for the money to cover the costs she will just say she’s fine. But i just want peace of mind when im away.

She would literally panic though.
i think she thinks if anything was to happen to me what / where would she go! X

Ha ha I've come close.
the dog/new pully will be freedom to escape for long dog walks

Talk to her about it. Tell her she's driving you nuts and unless it changes the arrangement is going to break down.

Book the holiday. Tell her she either goes to her Dsis, pays for someone to come in or goes into a home. Her choice but staying home alone is not an option.

Your DCs will leave home soon, don't lose that precious time with them. You've done an amazing thing taking her in, but if it's not working for you then an alternative has to be found.

Your DM may prefer this arrangement to being in a home, but sounds like it's making 4 of you fairly miserable. Unfortunately there are no perfect options once people are unable to fully care for themselves.

I feel I should offer you a badge which says, in large red letters,
"I love you, Mum, but you're being ridiculous. Now pull yourself together and get on with it, you'll thank me later!"
I was very lucky with my own Mum but even so, had to pull that out once or twice...

I'm not sure if you are aware OP, but its difficult to follow who you are replying to in your posts? You can click on the 3 little dots on the right hand side of someones' post and select 'quote'- that way, when you reply- we know what/who you are replying to.

To add to my earlier post, my nan was the same. Sharp as a tack, wanting to know where everyone was, anxious if someone was out, ringing 10x a day- literally etc. We discussed her living with my mum after my grandfather died, but various reasons it wasn't feasible. Nan had just had surgery for bowel cancer, was 85, no longer drove and we assumed she likely wouldn't have too long. Well- she lived to 102!!!

She was cared for at home till a care home was the safest place. I would get the GP involved, because although she may well 'appear' sharp as a tack, she sounds depressed and anxious! Not getting dressed, anxiety, concerns re money etc. Has she ever had a mini mental test performed by the GP to check basic cognitive function and memory? That would be a start. My nan was very good at masking her memory- it was always someone elses fault and covered by the fact she was 'just checking' incase something had happened to us. Unfortunately, these were the early signs of dementia- so please get your mum checked over. Also put in place a power of attorney- NOW.

When she moved in with you- what was the discussion? That she would live with you forever? As a temporary thing until the house was sold? Till X date etc? I'm assuming you don't have siblings? I'd book a visit to her sisters for the day. Explain that its clear she isn't happy staying with you, and so a day out to her sisters would be good. I'd then build from there- either find day activities she gets dropped off to, a carer to stay with her or ideally for all your sanity- an independent/supported retirement village type accommodation. You do need to sit down and have a frank discussion with her though.

Arghh thank you.

its makes sense now.

the arrangement was that she was to come to live with us forever, however when she came she wasn’t well at all and didn’t think she would last long. But now with full time care 3 meals a day etc etc she has perked up.

I have a sister ( dm daughter )250 miles away and all her siblings are 100 + miles away, she can’t manage the stairs which is the problem.
we live in a bungalow so that was why she moved in with us.

I have arranged for care when we are away,
for my own peace of mind but I know I will have to pay for it on top everything else.

thank you for your advice.

Can you ask your siblings to chip in or indeed cover the cost of care while you are away?
It seems only fair if DM won't pay for it.

Not really i feel my sister has had her fair share of expenses when she ferried her to and from hospital when she lives near her. I feel its now my time.

Sorry if I’ve missed it, but if she’s sold her house is she just sitting on the money from the sale? Why are you paying for almost all of her keep and paying for care when you’re away as well? You’re being hit with a double whammy- having to look after her in your home (and having a horrendous time with it), and paying for her upkeep as well. She really should be paying her way. She isn’t your dependent child, you shouldn’t be liable for her living costs especially if she has money from her house sale.

What would be fair is OP's DM paying for her own care! It's what any savings are for.
This will only get worse as she gets older.
Time for an honest conversation. Any parent worth their salt wouldn't impose themselves indefinitely on busy adult DC in the prime of their lives with jobs and families of their own anyway.

thank you for your message.
the sale should go through at the end of the month, so I'm hoping she will be more generous then.
she pays me £300 a month which is probably enough.
but not for extra i.e take aways, days out, care when we are away.

Thank you, but the problem is she won’t pay for it and says she fine…… she’s fine annoying me 😡