The Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Spring 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in daffodils from the garden to remind us all that spring is around the corner and better times on the way.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I have - I tend to scan any important documents (passports, driving license, wedding certificate etc) and save it on my Dropbox account so if they are lost or destroyed I’ve at least got that copy until I can get a replacement.

For those of you who registered POA before 2020 but after January 2016 you can get an activation code to use the digital service via gov.uk here
https://www.gov.uk/use-lasting-power-of-attorney
i did this with a POA set up in 2016 and then have used it successfully with DWP, HSBC and Aviva so far. You need to set up a government gateway account and then give whoever a reference number to access the POA

Sorry about the picture. Not sure why it did that

It will never be a priority, as POA is a sign that the account will close rather than blossom and bring in new business. Eight years ago it was just as bad …. DM received £20 compensation from the bank for all the messing about my DSis and I had.

Very short sighted, as the Attorney themselves will be a potential customer… I think I’ve said elsewhere that I am not a customer of Santander, but my dealings with them while sorting out my mums accounts left me with a very good impression of them.

I doubt it’s intentional, with so many branches closing, any in branch service is going to be under more pressure :(

I just did a walk-in in Dad's local branch of Barclays. We did have to wait, but the lady who booked us in said we could go and do some other errands without losing our place in the queue. When we got back, we went straight up to the waiting area and got chatting to the other punters - it was really good fun. However, this was in S Manchester which is a lot more friendly than where I am now. From arriving at the branch to walking out with it all sorted was just over an hour. I did take my certified copy from the OPG with me which they copied. I went in on 3rd April, the debit cards came on 11th and the PINs on 13th. I need to get a PIN sentry but I'll give them a few more days.

I'm no fan of Barclays - their main Exeter branch almost cost me my house purchase - but Dad's branch is lovely and they were really keen to help.

local branch closed so went for nearest with appointment before May! I was told end of tax year planning taking up appointments. Just as well we have it now as needed to up date before financial assessment form. Form doesn’t allow much room for regular outgoings? Need to find paperwork with increased Council tax on….

not visiting for a few days, MiL eldest son visiting first time in a month tomorrow, will be I interesting to get hear his feedback to DH after - I think I should ask him to put a wash on whilst he is there and hang it up after. 👍

Anyone experience of waiting list for funded care home places? I have a feeling it will be several weeks - in a London Borough.

No, because Dad is self funded, but it took us a while to be able to move him (essentially, a place only comes up in his area when someone dies, moves in with relatives or goes to a higher level of care, so waiting lists are unpredictable in timing)

@Juneday I work for a bank and this ISA season has been bonkers as it's the first for a long time with decent rates.

I think it's luck of the draw with funded places. We were lucky with MIL last summer and a place became available in our preferred home within a few days. Which was lucky because FIL died 4 weeks after she went in and spent most of that time in hospital. She couldn't be left at all.

Being realistic and preparing for longish wait. Dropped off food with DH, pre prepared salads not been opened, banana and apple not offered, bin men didn’t collect rubbish because the bin was not near enough to pavement so have had to bring all the rubbish home with us, MiL was asleep and then upset by bad dream and then chatty - very happy to be offered an OJ with straw. Buy them every week but carers don’t offer them. 🤔. She is anxious she owes someone money but we told her ring us if anyone says so. (Don’t think anyone has said so though.). I know money worries are common and it is sad because she gets so anxious.

Mums council offer assisted collections for people who can’t move their own bins. Just got to ring them and let them know. Fortunately she’s never needed it - for years she and dad were the “binfluencers” in the street so the neighbours are paying it back by moving them for her.

regarding the oj - I leave notes for the carers. Last week it was “I’ve bought mums some hot cross buns, please offer them for breakfast or lunch”. They all went and I saw a note from one of her regular carers in the system saying she enjoyed them. I don’t know whether the carers find the notes helpful or think I’m a controlling so and so but they get the job done! I sometimes get different stories from mum and the carers - eg they didn’t give me lunch v she was offered lunch and refused it. I think it’s partially her memory and partially she doesn’t always process properly what they say, particularly if they’re wearing a mask and they’ve got a strong accent.

That's very common with Lewy Body Dementia.

Sorry! I meant to tag whoever mentioned delusions of children.

I leave notes,ignored along with pre pared yea in Tupperware, and bought the cheese straws the Carers suggested, still unopened, but I worry I am micro managing! Thanks for tips about bins, I was a bit surprised the upstairs neighbour didn’t help, we have often helped her! I think she is trying to distance herself in case we ask for more help especially after the screaming she phoned about. I can see it is hard being the neighbour right now. And we wouldn’t dream of asking more anything more than moving the bin 3 feet, instead will contact council first, I did email them the first time it happened but we have this login which means I can only report if it relates to the property I pay council tax on, clearly a phone call is best.

If your instructions to the carers are not followed then you need to take it up with the Agency and find out why. Building some kind of working relationship with the carers is hugely beneficial all round, it’s a partnership at the end of the day.

do you have access to the carers notes? mums use an electronic system where they log each call, and I have a log in where I can read it.

instead will contact council first, I did email them the first time it happened but we have this login which means I can only report if it relates to the property I pay council tax on, clearly a phone call is best. If the Council make it too difficult, try you local Councillor or your mum’s if she is in a different Ward.

@Juneday I'm in Wales so probably not comparable but it was agreed between the hospital, Social Worker, mum and me that she would try a home "for a little while" in the middle of August. The first home came up at the beginning of October and I said no because I have only heard bad things about it locally (even though the inspection report is glowing). Two weeks later a second option came up. Although it is difficult to get to (20 minutes by car/ 2.5 hours by bus / £25 by taxi) we decided to look at it. It was so lovely that we decided to take it even allowing for the inconvenience of having to arrange a lift to visit her.

Those talking about their birthdays being forgotten - that was something that my mum did. She was always generous and would want to buy me anything I mentioned liking or being interested in but I can only say she stopped "thinking about me". In the end it was like I existed just to be a part of her and do her thinking for her. There was no unkindness or nastiness - just no thought that I was a separate person.

I saw her on Friday for the first time for a month - a combination of Covid/my cousin isolating prior to surgery and my other source of transport going away. But I was shocked by her deterioration. Her left hand has been very curled up and claw like but a month ago she could use her thumb and two fingers on her right hand to pick sweets out of a tub. This week she could not feed herself at all. She couldn't hold a biscuit or pick up a sweet - but still devoured the bar of chocolate and half an Easter egg!

I assume because is still NHS rehab, we are not officially supposed to have contact with agency, I have had thought to ask them about incontinence products. I know notes are all on their smart phones with a scribbled pad for us that we use. We don’t get access to the full notes. An example of the scribbled note is : breakfast toast, cup of tea, gave meds, left water.

sorry to hear about deterioration, it can be shocking, glad she enjoyed the chocolate though.

I have emailed SS rehab and PALS and accessible transport all with concerns and my local MP who (same as MiL) she is excellent - I have started openly CCing her on all correspondence and find that produces quicker responses😄.

this is not just personal, but about the wider issues for all in the position that results from so many different areas being involved and lack of joined up thinking and info sharing. E.g. 3 discharge dates, final one confirmed as am -get to flat and she isn’t home. Ring and get you time is now late pm. Food thrown away from previous cancelled discharge, hearing on then off then on, visitors permits needed and wasted, carers with card risking parking fines from the very LA that is paying their agency, relatives not told they need to do the washing, no one reordering meds, GP not getting discharge info, DN turns up at same time as hospital appointment, hospital sends letter due to no show when MiL was in A&E, Dr believing MiL when she said son lived with her and did all cooking and shopping, GP is also our GP and we clearly don’t live in the same one bed flat, and so it goes on …. I have friends who are doctors, nurses, have worked in care …. They all agree not all problems are about pay or staff shortages but at care level that is a big problem. Should MiL need to have hospital transport to an appointment that simply confirms what the district nurse has already seen for herself - her wound has healed. Yes because surgeon. Needs that box ticked. Madness and time wasting….. rant over.

@Juneday if it's the rehab/re enablement team then contact the adult services department of the local authority, they will be in charge of the contract.

I do not have permission as not blood relative! I rang them three weeks ago and they were so rude and says they would tell me anything that I ended the call in tears. DH can speak to them but rarely has time, he is in touch with the social worker and it seems the GP wants to hear how her cough is - so phone calls tomorrow when he gets time. Todays evening meal, small M&S trifle for one, lunch one hot microwave mini cottage pie. Care visit lasted 9 minutes. I have been keeping a diary and occasional videos and photos. Let’s see if things change next week 🤔. We only sent round because neighbour called that she was screaming again. !

Other family visitor timed the visit and reported back their concerns.