Hi,
I'm not sure this is the right board, my DM is in her 70s. It's not an AIBU so much as techniques/support I need!
I live a few hours away from DM so don't see her much. But when I do I find her very argumentative if that's the right word.
Eg if we're talking about car seats for my DC she'll say they never had car seats in her day and everyone was fine. But I know if I had said car seats are a waste of money, why do we even bother she'd be outraged we wouldn't get one.
Eg I gave my DC plain yogurt mixed with fruit but some spoonfuls were just yogurt, some had more fruit. She made a face and said that yogurt was awful stuff, how could baby even eat it.
Eg we were talking about baby names, not my DC , just general conversation. Say the name "Doris" came up. I said Doris is not very popular these days for babies. She said well she knows three old ladies called Doris.
I say I'm going to buy X for myself. She says well why would you not buy Y?
I know these examples sound petty but it's most of the time . And it's her tone is challenging. Then I feel if I reply "yes but your 3 Doris examples are not newborn babies, they're 80 years old" or "well DC seems to be eating this yogurt just fine" or "I'm buying X because I prefer it to Y" then I sound like I'm the one being argumentative. And it also leaves scope for another comment from DM like "well she might be eating that yogurt but I'm sure she'd prefer a strawberry one, the poor child"
So I sit like a plank and say very little which is awkward and unfortunate.
If she has visitors (eg neighbours) she then complains about them afterwards and rolls her eyes at them saying AB or C.
My siblings seem to manage but they can be argumentative themselves. I'm not sure what I'm asking - maybe techniques to handle this that would allow me not to sit like a statue? And to want to spend time there?
At the moment my DM does not need care but would like company but as time goes by I'm sure she'll need more.
Elderly parents
Argumentative mother - find it awkward to be around her
BlueberryBuffin · 18/02/2023 11:11
BlueberryBuffin · 18/02/2023 22:44
I'm thinking out loud here but I wonder is part of it because she doesn't see me as an autonomous adult and therefore if I think X I must be wrong and it's for her to set me straight and tell me that actually Y is correct?
She has overstepped boundaries in the past and has stopped speaking to me for things I have done in my own life that don't directly affect her. Eg moving to a different town with a boyfriend. Breaking up with a boyfriend (or rather him breaking up with me 😂). Getting back with a boyfriend. I know that me living with a certain person or in a certain place does affect her to an extent but it's my life really and my choices/mistakes to make.
(She has also been the same with my siblings over partners)
Sunshineparasol · 18/02/2023 22:54
You need a few stock answers and have them ready before you see her.
"We're all different"
"In a sense..."
"Who knows, really"
Just some fluffy, non committed phrases. I like "We're all different". Can't argue with that and it's a very subtle rebuke.
They don't even have to be relevant to what she said (all the better if they are not as then she'd have to backtrack and repeat her nonsense which you can then Mmm at.
The one technique I like but can't master is literally changing the subject on the spot, especially if it's your turn to respond. I've seen this technique used before and it is brilliant for putting antagonists on the back foot. It completely snuffs out the spark of challenge and attention-seeking which is what these interactions are generally about.
eg: Me: very few babies are called Doris these days
DM: well I know three people called Doris
Me: They say there'll be a big freeze next week. I'll need to dig my gloves out again.
What's your DM going to do about that? Say "I said, I know three people called Doris?" You "Oh, right.... Have you got your gloves ready?"
It gives someone provoking a reaction a complete dead-end.
MereDintofPandiculation · 19/02/2023 11:26
The only way not to get an argumentative answer is to say nothing No it’s not, you can also try “agreeing”. “Why buy shoes,why not buy boots?” “Oh, that’s interesting, why do you think I should buy boots?” You can do it with half your mind, you don’t have to pay attention to the conversation, and if you remember you’re playing games, it doesn’t raise your emotional hackles.
Remember she can only be oppositional if you’re opposing her. If you keep shape-shifting so you’re on her side, she can’t oppose you.
It’s really, really difficult not to advise your children. Just because they’re grown-up, they’ve still got 30 years less experience than you. And the love and the longing for nothing bad to happen to them never goes away, nor does that pain inside you if things don’t go well for them.
EmotionalBlackmail · 19/02/2023 15:07
Aarrgghh mine is like this too. She's late 70s but has always been like this. She has to moan about everyone - every conversation is about how much she disapproves of what someone is doing, or how difficult it is with her GP (she actually has an amazing GP practice), or the parking at the shop etc. It's incredibly negative. For years I thought this was how conversation worked, but have taught myself not to do it. I do now limit contact, particularly between her and DD, because I don't want DD picking up these habits. I caught her out a few years back slagging off my wonderful DH to her friends (who she'd been slagging off to me for years!). At that point I realised how negative she is and how damaging it is, so I reduced contact.
She does it on the phone but I deal with it by half listening, saying 'mmmm' a lot and getting on with something else like my online shop simultaneously.
I think it's low self-esteem, as she constantly seems to need to feel 'better' than others. She can't seem to understand that different people like different things and have different habits and that's ok. She's also got a martyr complex which seems to mean she wants to be congratulated for putting up with all these people she moans about!
BlueberryBuffin · 18/02/2023 23:03
Lol at the gloves 😂 I'll try it.
I might also throw in a "well, look, sure, there you go anyway" - completely meaningless, is it agreement or disagreement? Who knows
Me: no babies are called Doris these days
DM: I know three Dorises
Me: well, look, sure there you have it
DM: ugh plain yogurt
Me: ah well sure look we're all different. Have you your gloves ready for the big freeze?
Sunshineparasol · 18/02/2023 22:54
You need a few stock answers and have them ready before you see her.
"We're all different"
"In a sense..."
"Who knows, really"
Just some fluffy, non committed phrases. I like "We're all different". Can't argue with that and it's a very subtle rebuke.
They don't even have to be relevant to what she said (all the better if they are not as then she'd have to backtrack and repeat her nonsense which you can then Mmm at.
The one technique I like but can't master is literally changing the subject on the spot, especially if it's your turn to respond. I've seen this technique used before and it is brilliant for putting antagonists on the back foot. It completely snuffs out the spark of challenge and attention-seeking which is what these interactions are generally about.
eg: Me: very few babies are called Doris these days
DM: well I know three people called Doris
Me: They say there'll be a big freeze next week. I'll need to dig my gloves out again.
What's your DM going to do about that? Say "I said, I know three people called Doris?" You "Oh, right.... Have you got your gloves ready?"
It gives someone provoking a reaction a complete dead-end.
Polecat03 · 19/02/2023 23:02
Just a quick post of solidarity after having read everyone's own experiences of a mother like this - I recognise so much in all that you've each shared. That brings its own comfort.
Sympathy to all who have to navigate this type of relationship - I'm often so defeated, saddened and exhausted by it - after all, it seems entirely pointless most of the time - the most successful this relationship can be is 'not rocking the boat'. No closeness, I don't feel known or heard, I've merely fulfilled my obligation to visit and chased some nagging guilt away til next week.
@BeautifulDayintheneighbourhood Your accounts of your mother I could have written word for word myself. Hugs to you.
Polecat03 · 19/02/2023 23:02
Just a quick post of solidarity after having read everyone's own experiences of a mother like this - I recognise so much in all that you've each shared. That brings its own comfort.
Sympathy to all who have to navigate this type of relationship - I'm often so defeated, saddened and exhausted by it - after all, it seems entirely pointless most of the time - the most successful this relationship can be is 'not rocking the boat'. No closeness, I don't feel known or heard, I've merely fulfilled my obligation to visit and chased some nagging guilt away til next week.
@BeautifulDayintheneighbourhood Your accounts of your mother I could have written word for word myself. Hugs to you.
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