Has anyone stepped back from being involved with elderly parents as their condition deteriorates?

[codandchipsandpeas]

Sorry for the slightly odd title but I would value any opinions or advice on this. I'm going to keep it vague, there's a lot of back story I won't go in to.

Elderly FIL, been on his own for 2 years since MIL passed away. As the closest relative (geographically) I have always tried to pop over and help with little jobs, take him out to the shops, cook a meal, just go for a chat. I have also on numerous occasions helped when he has been in hospital with visiting, dropping stuff off etc. There are SILs but historically they have chosen not to be involved although this has improved recently.

FILs health is declining. He is refusing to accept any form of carer. This is of course his choice. Money is not an issue in any way whatsoever, he just doesn't want to spend it. He told us this recently.

I do not want to gradually fall in to the role of carer. It's too much expectation and I have my own job and responsibilities at home. It's half an hour to get there so not just down the road. I resent the assumption that I will do it just because I've always been the one to go. There have been a few emergency situations and I am expected to drop everything and pick up the pieces. It makes me cross because no one has asked me if I'm OK with this.

DH is fully supportive of me stepping back. He says FIL has made his choice and will have to live with it. He often works away so while he does what he can, this is limited. I feel a conflict of emotions, guilt for not doing more and anger for FILs refusal to help himself and take the pressure off me. There is a lot of emotional blackmail in the language he uses, a lot of barbed comments about what I haven't done and should be doing. He's not really coping with jobs like the laundry etc.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any words of advice about how to handle this, or whether I should just suck it up and do what's needed?

[Soothsayer1]

took up smoking fags during the pandemic
omg, wft, she sounds...."feisty" ....
and not in any kind of a good way😬
glad to hear you are looking out for your own wellbeing!

[Alphabetasoul]

Are they in some sort of denial? Maybe can't accept what's happening to them and kid themselves they can manage with just a bit of help ?

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Desperately trying to cling to their life. Most of us know how frustrating it is to have to take things easy because of an injury or recovering from an operation, but we do it because we know that if we do, life will improve in the future. But when you’re old, you know the only result of looking after yourself is having to look after yourself even more later on. People will tell you that you can have a long future having carers in every day, being stuck at home everyday, but some people will feel “I might as well be dead”

[OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss]

Huge delusional denial in my mum's case. Mind you she's always been like that and very procrastiny and can't cope with any change. Puts vital things off. Always has.

I'm the opposite. Always looking ahead and making plans and getting things done and in place. Looking to move to a bungalow in 5 years and I'm 50!

I think there's quite a lot of 'I went to Glastonbury and did the twist! How on earth can I be a little old lady' going on. She also can't hear but won't wear a hearing aid, eyesight failing but won't go for an eye test.

She's a nice lady but bizarre reaction to reality

[Twawmyarse2]

Bloody hell, at first I thought you were talking about your own df and even then I thought “yes, step back” - but it’s not even your dad but you’re FIL? Who has children, one of whom is your dh plus his siblings!???

I think you’re mad to have even taken on the role in the first place! Why did you feel the need to? Was your dh guilt tripping you too?

Just stop.

[EmotionalBlackmail]

In my Mum's case it's partly, at least, procrastination and an inability to take responsibility for getting things done - she's always been incapable of acting upon anything until the very last minute. Ironic really, as she dealt with various elderly relatives in the past and had always insisted she'd sort herself out, would move into a home etc and didn't want me 'running around after her'. So the things she'd said she'd put in place at 70 never happened (she's now nearly 80!). She's currently blaming the pandemic for that...

And also speed of decline. I suppose it's quite easy to think in the abstract about downsizing, putting things like POA in place etc. But harder to action when you're still active and think it's a long way off. Mine's gone in the space of a year from confidently driving round the country including on the M25 to refusing to drive beyond her local area or at night and several emergency hospital admissions.

[codandchipsandpeas]

@Twawmyarse2

Bloody hell, at first I thought you were talking about your own df and even then I thought “yes, step back” - but it’s not even your dad but you’re FIL? Who has children, one of whom is your dh plus his siblings!???

I think you’re mad to have even taken on the role in the first place! Why did you feel the need to? Was your dh guilt tripping you too?

Just stop.

No guilt tripping whatsoever from DH, just that he works away a lot so cannot physically always be there and I have always been the one who is around. As I said, huge backstory with SILs which I won't go in to but it has only really been me for a long time. SILs behaviour has been disgraceful over the years but improving somewhat now. Suffice to say family relationships are very strained.

FIL is absolutely adamant he will not spend his (vast) savings in care. God only knows what his reasoning is. It's hard to see it as anything but selfish. I would rather not have a penny of any potential inheritance and have the peace of mind that he is being looked after, but SIL does not think like this.

It is a very sorry situation and I am sad to read so many are in the same boat. It puts unnecessary strain on families and certainly makes me think about how I will behave when my time comes.

[codandchipsandpeas]

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss well done for putting some boundaries in place. It certain isn't easy. I share your infuriation at the expectation that we will just drop everything and come running. This thread has definitely helped me feel better about saying no.

[Blip]

It's kind of you to visit FIL as a social visit.

Perhaps you could let him know that you will no longer be available to visit or help for the next three months due to work/childcare/personal commitments.
Your DH can visit if he chooses to. Suggest to FIL that he employs carers.

During this time maybe FIL will employ carers or maybe he won't but will realise eventually that he needs them.

After three months either he will have carers in place and you can go back to a few social visits if you want to or you can say the three months has become a permanent change.

If he lives in a desirable city he may be able to swap free rent for a few hours a week of help, maybe from a student. I think there is a scheme for this. It works well for some people.

[Twawmyarse2]

I would rather not have a penny of any potential inheritance and have the peace of mind that he is being looked after, but SIL does not think like this.

Well then, SIL can be the one to be general dogsbody and carer to her df and/or wrangle with him over when he’s going to cough up and hire proper care staff!

Its not your problem.

[Chowtime]

another one here who used to use the "oh I can't come I've had a drink" excuse.

they were actually quite flummoxed the first time I said it lol - they totally weren't expecting that. After a few months of that they stopped asking.

I don't drink by the way. 😀

[codandchipsandpeas]

So things have progressed....
FIL has become quite confused about a lot of things. Struggling to get words out. Has done a few potentially dangerous things like leaving the hob on with nothing on it (neighbour spotted this one and told us on a recent visit) Getting meals out of the freezer but leaving on the side and forgetting about them. Is still adamant he doesn't want any outside support.
SIL has messaged to say we need to visit more, he's just lonely, she can't go as she's too far away (it's a 45 minute drive) She doesn't think he needs any extra support.
I have just stepped right out of it. DH has said while he thinks FIL should have daily carers, we cannot make him and we are essentially waiting for the crisis to happen to force matters.
I just feel so sad and guilty. I've done my best to be involved over the years and I always thought we had a good relationship. It seems like an impossible situation. I don't really want to visit on my own any more because I find it distressing.

[BlueWhiteHat]

I think waiting for a crisis is sadly what needs to happen and nothing you’ve done. 45mins is nothing if SIL wants to visit and help out, it’s not your job. SIL is just waiting for her inheritance and doesn’t want it spending, but it’s his money not hers and should be used for care.

[WanderleyWagon]

Well done for standing down. I know how hard it is, and how strong the guilt can be.

I'm also in the position of having a DF who is getting frailer and has been - not so much resistant to getting care in, as very passive and unable to imagine things being different than they are now (while complaining endlessly about being on his own and not being able to do various simple things for himself).

I'm the nearest child but I'm a short-haul flight away and I have MH issues, which I've been very clear about with him. He's gradually getting the message and we've now got two different people providing weekly support for cleaning, errands and anything else that can be delegated, which is really helpful. The second person has worked well because for some reason he liked her - he didn't like any of the previous people who came in to help with errands. And she's not providing care so much as doing shopping for him, dealing with tradesmen, booking things online that he doesn't know how to do, explaining how the remote control for his telly works - all of which I was trying to do remotely for ages. Whew!

I hope you get to the point where you really feel the weight lifted from your shoulders, OP. All good wishes!

[picklemewalnuts]

Bless you. How frustrating. Can you make a safeguarding report to social services? They started visiting my ILs recently- not sure what triggered it.
They've helped with attendance allowance and are doing an assessment. We hadn't called them because they have an adult son living with them. He's got undiagnosed autism though m

It's really hard to work out what to do. They each complain about different things- often the other. So MiL won't have the heating on because they are so short of money, and she wants FiL to take her out shopping. FiL wants the heating on, but wants mil to leave him alone to sleep in the sofas, and to stop buying new clothes. He objects if anything crops up and interferes with food shopping day. And so on.

[Rebel2023]

It's hard I know
My dad had actually asked and asked for help with caring for my mum and they kept assessing her and delaying etc
When she eventually fell I said don't pick her up and she went into hospital and I refused for her to come home to my dad as he couldn't cope any longer
We had to wait for that crisis to happen and I said to my dad I'm sorry she's waiting for an ambulance but it's the perfect opportunity to stop and say no, I can't do it
She was assessed and went into a care home

[codandchipsandpeas]

Thank you lovely people. Reading your replies does help to reassure me. I don't think I will ever feel I've done the right thing, but I have to try and accept the situation. Thanks for the support.

[Nixer]

Good on you for stepping back, as someone who has also done it, it's the right thing to do.

I'd echo the above advice to speak to social services to get a care needs assessment (or you could request that the GP contacts them but that will take longer) and mention safeguarding as leaving the hob on is a red flag. I would also make it clear that you had been supporting him but are unable to continue and no one else can step in. This preempts him telling them "oh my daughter in law visits daily" or whatever - my mum told some absolute whoppers to SS and doctors to try and get hospital to send her home.

IME social services can be a bit crap, especially where the person is borderline on the capacity front and refusing help. You may have to wait for the crisis to happen. We were in the Catch 22 of needs help/can afford help/won't pay for it and deemed to have capacity for quite a long time.

[Nixer]

Also you've nothing to feel guilty for. We aren't responsible for our parents (nor other people's) and by doing what you have done you've probably kept him out of hospital up to now.

[Safeworkspace]

Well done OP x

[SummerWinterSummerWinter]

Why are you talking about sisters in law?

Presumably they married your brothers? Your SILs have no obligation. Your brothers are the ones that should be stepping up.

[SummerWinterSummerWinter]

Oh sorry - I mis-read - it's not your father so therefore SILs are the children - apologies.

[BeautifulDayintheneighbourhood]

Well done you for stepping back. You should never have been put in this position in the first place.

[averythinline]

well done for stepping back but equally its not for sil to have to do things either .....they can have their boundaries as well.. irrespective of how close their drive is...

your dh working away is not their problem either..... Fil will just have to sort out/have crisis....
our il were 100's miles away so yes it took crisis/many crisis before they sorted/accepted support...
in my own family its nore mixed...they've had to get stair lift/carers as i work....and am 45mins away...its been a difficult process though

[codandchipsandpeas]

@averythinline

well done for stepping back but equally its not for sil to have to do things either .....they can have their boundaries as well.. irrespective of how close their drive is...

your dh working away is not their problem either..... Fil will just have to sort out/have crisis....
our il were 100's miles away so yes it took crisis/many crisis before they sorted/accepted support...
in my own family its nore mixed...they've had to get stair lift/carers as i work....and am 45mins away...its been a difficult process though

Oh believe me SIL has had no issues asserting her boundaries over the years, that's a whole other story. My issues is a) her discouraging FIL from getting any form of paid help in and b) expecting me to step in and take on the caring duties. Very convenient way of protecting FILs significant savings. As I said before I would rather not have a penny of any potential future inheritance and know that FIL was being cared for, I think it's disgraceful to view your own father as future money.