Has anyone stepped back from being involved with elderly parents as their condition deteriorates?

[codandchipsandpeas]

Sorry for the slightly odd title but I would value any opinions or advice on this. I'm going to keep it vague, there's a lot of back story I won't go in to.

Elderly FIL, been on his own for 2 years since MIL passed away. As the closest relative (geographically) I have always tried to pop over and help with little jobs, take him out to the shops, cook a meal, just go for a chat. I have also on numerous occasions helped when he has been in hospital with visiting, dropping stuff off etc. There are SILs but historically they have chosen not to be involved although this has improved recently.

FILs health is declining. He is refusing to accept any form of carer. This is of course his choice. Money is not an issue in any way whatsoever, he just doesn't want to spend it. He told us this recently.

I do not want to gradually fall in to the role of carer. It's too much expectation and I have my own job and responsibilities at home. It's half an hour to get there so not just down the road. I resent the assumption that I will do it just because I've always been the one to go. There have been a few emergency situations and I am expected to drop everything and pick up the pieces. It makes me cross because no one has asked me if I'm OK with this.

DH is fully supportive of me stepping back. He says FIL has made his choice and will have to live with it. He often works away so while he does what he can, this is limited. I feel a conflict of emotions, guilt for not doing more and anger for FILs refusal to help himself and take the pressure off me. There is a lot of emotional blackmail in the language he uses, a lot of barbed comments about what I haven't done and should be doing. He's not really coping with jobs like the laundry etc.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any words of advice about how to handle this, or whether I should just suck it up and do what's needed?

[Radiatorvalves]

It’s a tough situation. MIL is same age and is just about managing. Her mobility is limited and after à recent long stay in hospital we were amazed she managed to get home. But she does need support. We are fortunate in that her 3 children are all in the same page, but all live 2 hours away in pressured jobs.

we’ve managed to get her to accept Sainsbury’s on line (her DD does order), and a physio once a fortnight, plus carers (you can’t call them that) twice a week to help around house and be there when she showers. It’s a gradual thing. The bottom line is that without these things in place, the next stop is a home, and she’s not keen.

Weve potentially got the same with my dad… not easy. He’s drifting into relying on neighbours which may be ok in short term, but isn’t fair long term. Boundaries are so important.

[ThisIsWednesday]

As my ILs closest relatives, the care was always looking like it was going to fall to me.

MIL does have a golden child who she dotes on and has been funding their champagne lifestyle for years (SIL And BIL opt not to work but live very, very well) whereas my DH, her son, works full time and we live in a shitty council flat) We don't want ILs money and support ourselves for everything we need but DH does feel sad at the blatant, open favouritism.
Up to last year I was being expected to run around for the ILs because a) DIL lives too far away to do anything and b) my husband is male and therefore not even a consideration apparently. He would have been happy to go.

I did it for a while but then realised that it simply wasn't my job. ILs are both tactless and rude and I wouldn't run around after my own crappy mum never mind someone else's. I just became busy all the time and DH started going on his days off instead but only when he felt like it. They will be paying for their own carers in the future and SIL is going to hate watching her inheritance disappear. Oh well.

[Belindabelle]

I have been through similar with elderly Mil and a DH who works away Mon-Fri.

As time went on I was expected to do more and more. The more I did the more other family members stood back. In the end I cut right down and only visited every week or two for an hour or so. My visits became strictly social and I refused to be involved in any care. Every so often I wouldn’t be available, either because I was ill or because I was genuinely busy with other things like work or having a life. Just don’t be so available. Make up an excuse and lie if you have to but start to miss the odd visit and step back.

I made it clear that I was not next of kin and should not be first contact in an emergency. I remember one time I was out with friends and was contacted by MIL to take her to hospital after a fall. I was in a city 50 miles away on my second glass of wine so suggested she call BIL (her son) or his wife who stay 5 mins away from her.

It’s amazing what others will try and get away with if there is someone there foolish enough to do it all.

[strawberriesarenot]

I have been in this situation in the past, due to living very near (walking distance).
It's over now, and they were someone I loved, but I wish that before crisis point had been reached, I said said to their family- I mean their actual daughters- 'I will never be the cleaner. Driver. Provide home cooking on a regular basis. Or be a personal carer. Or do laundry.'
I ended up doing all those things, and hospital visits too. There was no shortage of money. Again, it was a case of preserving inheritance, together with daughters had full time jobs and lived 2 hours away. Compared to me, full time job but 10 minutes away. It went on for years. Never again.

[MemyselfandI2019]

I am a carer (albeit a secondary carer so don't get carers allowance as that is allocated to someone else) and we have carers in 3 times a day to help. My nan needs 24 hours care a day but there are no local care homes for her to go to so of course me and my mum (nans daughter, do everything to look after her and keep her safe). But fuck me it's exhausting, I'm 36 and I look about 60 ATM! Please please think about the affect it will have on you and your family. Sunday morning I heard a noise down stairs about 6.30am and found her in her bathroom covered in wee and poo. Que hours of me cleaning up before my 8 year old got up, it makes a very long day. You are not wrong to say no, get social services involved and stand your ground!

[larchforest]

It is sad to say, but I think the only thing to do is step back and wait for a crisis. Then social services and the hospital discharge team will decide what help he needs in order to return home. It is at that point that you put your foot down as hard as you possibly can and tell them that whoever is going to be looking after him, it is not going to be you.

He is NOT your dad. He is most definitely not your responsibility just because you are a woman, although I dare say your FIL and all the other relatives (including your DH) would be only to glad to step well back and let you do it. Don't.

Does anyone in the family have power of attorney? Have the siblings discussed who it might be, should it become necessary?

[Lovetotravel123]

Did the FIL do the same for his parents/ in-laws? It’s unlikely. And so it’s not fair to expect you to do this.

[OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside]

I had this with my grandpa My mum phoned social services who came to do an assessment and he actually liked the carers coming in the end, I'd give them a call but I totally understand you stepping back

[quicklybeendrivenmad]

I tried to juggle working part time with two elderley parants with very little help from other family members, did have carers in 3 times a day, but I was basically on call 7 days a week, sorting out meals, arranging care, calling in daily, even took 6 months career break as I knew it would be their last summer in their home.

It totally nearly broke me, but I did not realise at the time, there should have been much more care put into place (money was not an issue) I went through the guilt, anger etc so I no where you are coming from.

Please, please do not let yourself be put in this position, I remember when they had to go into a home the guilt, but then realised later I had my life back was not constantly on call, on top of making sure they ate, accepted carers in etc I could actually sleep and plan things to do with my life knowing they were safe and looked after.

Just do not break yourself like I did xx

[larchforest]

@Badger1970

Losing your independence and abilities can be really devastating to accept for a lot of elderly people, and it's far nicer to have familiar family members helping rather than strangers. Let alone adding in the cost element.

I would encourage a family conference, where you all express concerns about his wellbeing and how he may end up in care if he has a bad fall etc. You need to dangle a carrot rather than beat with a stick here, and tell him that if he wants to remain at home then he needs to have a strong support network to do so. My Dad was always terrified of going into hospital so we were able to introduce care to him as a way of avoiding this.

While I agree with this in principle, and for some people and in some cultures it is what is agreed upon, but it isn't until crisis after crisis is thrust upon you that you realise what a nightmare it is.

I feel I need to re-iterate that none of this is the OP's responsibility to sort out.

[Cuppasoupmonster]

@codandchipsandpeas

Currently to be around in the house while he washes 'just in case' but I'm not doing it and have said so.

Good for you! If you were his son in law there is no WAY he would ask this of you, sexist and entitled in the extreme. Don’t feel guilty; he isn’t neglected, he has options and is choosing not to take them. That’s on him. Elderly people in such situations want to be treated as capable of making their own decisions, well so be it 🤷🏼‍♀️ and yes it’s usually down to meanness with money and an inherent expectation that female relatives will pick up the slack and run themselves ragged.

MIL has already started dropping hints about us looking after them in future. They’re late 70s, FIL has mobility problems and needs a series of operations in his joints but they won’t move from their huge Victorian terrace with 2 sets of stairs.

[piggypoole]

SIL contacted us after 5 years estrangement getting her kids to write us a letter saying they missed us and wanted to get to know us . Turns out it was a lever to get back into our lives . What she really wanted was me to take over the cleaning / washing / shopping and taxi service for FiL who I had only met a handful of times while her and her siblings fucked off out of it . This is not your problem. It is you HB and siblings problem to solve. Back off now before your sucked in while the rest have fucked off .

[MysterOfwomanY]

@EmotionalBlackmail is correct.
The RIGHT thing to do is only agree to what you are willing and able - under foreseeable conditions - to do. Otherwise the person is not able to see the full picture and put appropriate measures in place.

Much better to say "NO" now than, "Oh I suppose I could if things don't get busy" and then ending up dropping out without notice because things GOT busy and you can't be in two places at once. And this sort of pressured situation is likely to increase the risk of elder abuse (not that I'm saying you'd thump him OP!!! Just saying how a "yes" which should be a "no" has its own risks down the line).

I have learned to think through requests (explicit or implicit) and not say "yes" unless I'm sure it would take a meteor strike for it all to go wrong. If I can think of all sorts of "what-ifs" in 5 mins! Then No!

[MumUndone]

Definitely step back, he's not even your own dad. His own kids should be stepping up ahead of you.

[Topseyt123]

Step back. It sounds like your DH will be supportive of you doing so too. This man isn't even your own father.

Stop being too available. It is very noticeable that he isn't asking this of any male relatives, and you aren't even a blood relative.

[cptartapp]

@Badger1970

Losing your independence and abilities can be really devastating to accept for a lot of elderly people, and it's far nicer to have familiar family members helping rather than strangers. Let alone adding in the cost element.

I would encourage a family conference, where you all express concerns about his wellbeing and how he may end up in care if he has a bad fall etc. You need to dangle a carrot rather than beat with a stick here, and tell him that if he wants to remain at home then he needs to have a strong support network to do so. My Dad was always terrified of going into hospital so we were able to introduce care to him as a way of avoiding this.

What's 'nicer' for the older person doesn't trump what's 'nicer' for everyone else. In fact, arguably less so.
And the cost is largely irrelevant. What else are their savings for by the time care is needed?

[Badbudgeter]

I’d always recommend carers, I’ve met so many women who have run themselves into the ground caring for people who just expect it of them. Fil should spend his money, surely it’s purpose is to give him a comfortable life.

Oddly it’ll probably be cheaper in the long run if he has proper support at home as he will be able to manage independently longer. Otherwise there will be a crisis then a care home costing £1k+ a week. You could probably get a decent independent carer to do an hour a day for £100 a week or so.

[smileladiesplease]

Step back it's for dh and his siblings to sort not you. I speak as one who has been there. The more you step forward the more they retreat. Back off. He can afford care snd will if he's not getting it free from you. Don't be a mug op

[wyntersday]

Stop now. My DF was like this. I am
an only child and he has always expected me to care for him despite having two young DCs. There is a very big back story to mine too but I am now all but NC with him because the pressure was seriously damaging our DCs and marriage. Preserve yourself and your marriage. It can feel hard (I’ve done a lot of crying on my path to NC) but he is being extremely selfish and you need to look after yourself.

[Fingerlessmitts]

Sil stepped away from her mum - she was doing the majority of care but we lived nearly 3 hours away and we had Jo idea how much she was doing - mil aways seemed so capable when we visited and Sil didn’t share with us how much she was doing - so she pretty much downed tools. We stepped in and put carers in place - no other choice really - then we had the realisation that her inheritance would be spend and she might as well just die as her life is shit. Our relationship with her has deteriorated- we don’t blame her for stepping back but we do feel she is partly responsible for not communicating and then attacking us for not being mind readers. So all I can say is - keep everyone informed - don’t spring things on them. I totally believe no one should be expected to look after their parents - it should be a gift not an obligation and forget about receiving an inheritance - that cash it to pay for their old age care.

[dodobookends]

Don't martyr yourself. Nobody will be grateful. Carers are professionals, so let them do their job, and then the family does not have that 24/7 worry in the back of their mind.

[strawberriesarenot]

@Badger1970

Losing your independence and abilities can be really devastating to accept for a lot of elderly people, and it's far nicer to have familiar family members helping rather than strangers. Let alone adding in the cost element.

I would encourage a family conference, where you all express concerns about his wellbeing and how he may end up in care if he has a bad fall etc. You need to dangle a carrot rather than beat with a stick here, and tell him that if he wants to remain at home then he needs to have a strong support network to do so. My Dad was always terrified of going into hospital so we were able to introduce care to him as a way of avoiding this.

Nicer for whom?

For goodness sake.

[HamBone]

Your husband and his siblings need to have a meeting to discuss any likely scenarios and how they are dealt with . Made very clear that you are not going to take the responsibility if it all goes wrong.

I agree with @Cannottryasp00 ,this is your DH’s and his siblings’ responsibility to sort out. OK, they do t get on, but they have to come together to figure out the next steps- you need to step back.

My Dad (85) needs support now so we employ a cleaner, have meals on wheels, and Social Services are involved ( the Elder Care team). He’s more amenable to outside help than your FIL, but the key point is that I, not my DH, arrange this and also help my Dad out myself. The most that DH does is act as a sounding board when I need to discuss the best course of action with someone.

Step back and let your DH and his sisters sort this out.

[MrsSkylerWhite]

Badger1970 · Yesterday 15:15
Losing your independence and abilities can be really devastating to accept for a lot of elderly people, and it's far nicer to have familiar family members helping rather than strangers. Let alone adding in the cost element.“

Nicer for whom?
I would find it humiliating to have personal care from family members.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Nicer for whom?
I would find it humiliating to have personal care from family members.

Humiliating, possibly, but have you never been in hospital dependent for your every need on people who have no connection with you, no knowledge of you except what they’ve seen of you at your worst, rushed off their feet.

I don’t have any problem accepting it’s nicer having family look after you, but that’s a separate question from whether it’s fair to ask.

A couple of practical tips 1) always time visits for a short time before you need to leave for an appointment, so you can’t extend your visit to do-one more job 2) always have an imaginary glass of wine with dinner so you can’t possibly drive