Has anyone stepped back from being involved with elderly parents as their condition deteriorates?

[codandchipsandpeas]

Sorry for the slightly odd title but I would value any opinions or advice on this. I'm going to keep it vague, there's a lot of back story I won't go in to.

Elderly FIL, been on his own for 2 years since MIL passed away. As the closest relative (geographically) I have always tried to pop over and help with little jobs, take him out to the shops, cook a meal, just go for a chat. I have also on numerous occasions helped when he has been in hospital with visiting, dropping stuff off etc. There are SILs but historically they have chosen not to be involved although this has improved recently.

FILs health is declining. He is refusing to accept any form of carer. This is of course his choice. Money is not an issue in any way whatsoever, he just doesn't want to spend it. He told us this recently.

I do not want to gradually fall in to the role of carer. It's too much expectation and I have my own job and responsibilities at home. It's half an hour to get there so not just down the road. I resent the assumption that I will do it just because I've always been the one to go. There have been a few emergency situations and I am expected to drop everything and pick up the pieces. It makes me cross because no one has asked me if I'm OK with this.

DH is fully supportive of me stepping back. He says FIL has made his choice and will have to live with it. He often works away so while he does what he can, this is limited. I feel a conflict of emotions, guilt for not doing more and anger for FILs refusal to help himself and take the pressure off me. There is a lot of emotional blackmail in the language he uses, a lot of barbed comments about what I haven't done and should be doing. He's not really coping with jobs like the laundry etc.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any words of advice about how to handle this, or whether I should just suck it up and do what's needed?

[picklemewalnuts]

What do you do, day to day? Do you work?

I'd say something like your job conditions have changed and you are no longer available for emergencies. If you haven't got a job, get one! Even voluntary and very limited hours!

Get DH and the SiLs to have a discussion about it clarifying you are no longer available. His work means he's limited in what he can do. What do they suggest?
I'd suggest care home, which will alarm the tight SiL into agreeing to carers!

[codandchipsandpeas]

@Willynuts

Is he expecting you to help with personal care?

Currently to be around in the house while he washes 'just in case' but I'm not doing it and have said so.

[codandchipsandpeas]

I work part time, sometimes mornings sometimes afternoons.

[TheVeryThing]

I don't understand why your DH is off the hook here. I mean there is some implicit criticism of the siblings who don't want to step up but surely that includes him.
Or do men not have do anything if they can get their wives to do it instead, that covers their responsibilities nicely?
How good of him to support you in stepping back.
I have some sympathy for you and agree that you need to stop what you are doing but I find it hard to see how you put yourself in this situation in the first place.

[Cannottryasp00]

Your husband and his siblings need to have a meeting to discuss any likely scenarios and how they are dealt with . Made very clear that you are not going to take the responsibility if it all goes wrong ? At his age a fall is very high risk .
SILs living further away doesn’t give them less responsibility than your husband.
The SIL who is very ‘protective’ of her inheritance would make me suspect that she is influencing FIL with his decision making and judgement.
Does FIL have full mental capacity?

[cptartapp]

We save all our lives to buy in care and help as needed when older, it's what we 'scrimp and save for'. To ensure we take responsibility for our own health and well being and not rely on busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own.
Or it should be.
I would think far less of any family member than let me run round after them in the prime of my life to meet their wants at the end of theirs.
My DM ended up on BP medication and and antidepressants doing this for my GM and would have foregone every penny of 'the inheritance' not to do so. It didn't leave fond memories of her after she'd gone.
Step away.

[picklemewalnuts]

@codandchipsandpeas

I work part time, sometimes mornings sometimes afternoons.

Excellent. Your employer can no longer be flexible, you are doing additional hours, you are no longer available beyond the usual Sunday teatime visit.

[codandchipsandpeas]

This thread has been extremely helpful. It's given me the confidence to stand by my convictions. Thank you for being so honest in your replies, I needed to hear it all.
As I say, there's a lot more back story which I don't want to go into as I want to keep possible identifying elements out. But to get outside views on the basic situation is really useful. I will leave this thread now, thanks all.

[peaceandpotato]

@picklemewalnuts

Excellent. Your employer can no longer be flexible, you are doing additional hours, you are no longer available beyond the usual Sunday teatime visit.

Yes perfect

[TakeYourFinalPosition]

I feel for you, OP. DH's parents have always been clear that they don't want care and won't accept it, and they don't want to go into a care home. It was a frequent topic of conversation when they put his nan into care; they reminded him almost constantly that they don't want to go into a care home.

God knows what they do want to happen. It won't be me looking after them.

Sadly, you're making a bit of a rod for your own back. If you are the person who goes, you'll be the person expected to go. And then you get people like SIL, who is being a really cheeky fucker - if she wants to "protect" her inheritance and not have it spent on care, she needs to provide the care.

To be honest, I often wonder if the people who move away had this factor into their decision... DH's parents keep threatening to move closer to us, and one of many reasons that this sounds like a nightmare to me is that it feels very much like they want to be close enough that we could be relied on for daily care. Right now, they're 45 minutes away, so too far really.

It's a rotten situation; but at this point, I'd be contemplating that if you can't take it all on - maybe it's kinder to stop now and let him get used to a new normal, rather than push through, burn yourself out and him end up needing more intense care while he's in less good condition?

[EL8888]

@camelfinger

Sounds rough OP, don’t blame you for feeling the way you do.
I think as a society we need to get more used to the idea of care being something that you pay for, just like paying a cleaner, a mechanic or a gardener. (Actually gardener is probably a poor example as that tends to be one of the areas that people prefer to rope others into rather than paying for it). I don’t want to be a burden on my own children.

@camelfinger l completely agree. The mindset needs changing. Especially as it typically is “women need to give care for free”, if not they’re being “selfish”. In reality their time is precious as well

[Soothsayer1]

@DonatellaBella

Can you imagine a man taking on the care of his elderly mother in law, while his wife and her siblings do little to nothing? Why do so many women allow themselves to be treated as support humans?

Don't be a martyr. Step back, let your husband and his siblings deal with it.

This^
Why are you even letting it being your problem OP?

[Soothsayer1]

God knows what they do want to happen
Seems pretty obvious to me they expect the generation below them to sacrifice their own time and well-being!
I see this with mine they had a fabulous time in their golden years retired in their late 50s and then 20 years of holidays, they live a couple of hours drive away from me except I don't drive, can't afford it, never mind holidays!
A few years ago I gently suggested that they might move out of their house into some more suitable accommodation they became very agitated and then changed the subject.
I have no idea what their plans are, perhaps they thought they would stay pristine in mind and body and not need any help?🤷

[Parisj]

The sad thing is he will appreciate you more once you do less. There's nothing unkind, just honest and assertive. Take him through the other people and agencies he can call on - because he has capacity and agency to decide - and step back to being the dil who sees him with dh. If he is nasty just say gently 'you are being very unpleasant despite my efforts to assist which you seem to want. I am really offended at how much you take me for granted. What I can do is x, what I can't do is y. Do you still want me to do x? I will leave you to sort out on your own behalf or with dh and dsils how you do y. Right can we get back to being friends now please, I would much prefer that'. The assumption that the nearest woman regardless of her own schedule or their relationship will provide care makes my blood boil. I see it everywhere.

[EmotionalBlackmail]

I got some really useful advice on here for a similar situation - see username!

Basically, don't be available unless you want to be. An IRL friend also pointed out to me that you don't have to go, even when it's an emergency. They [and the hospital etc staff] will have to cope and find solutions. Being available to gives them an easy solution without thinking about it.

We actually had a trial run as there was a hospital admission but I couldn't drive then for medical reasons so no way could I go. That meant friends and neighbours had to rally round.

I got loads of support on here for implementing boundaries - I don't answer my phone between 8am and 6pm (in theory this covers work and commute - they don't have to know if you are actually available between these times). I use the VIP settings on my mobile so only DH and DD's school can get through to me. This means DM has to contact someone else if there is a crisis and has had to involve local friends etc rather than me.

I also have a weekend 'policy' in my head now. If there's a crisis then I might go, if I'm able to. But we, as a family have a lot on at the moment with external timeframes that can't be altered, so I'm often not available. Again, this is useful as it means other things have to be put in place rather than assuming the woman is always available to deal with it.

[EmotionalBlackmail]

And I've made suggestions for things that would make life easier - keysafe, keeping a hospital bag packed and easily accessible type stuff. None of these suggestions have been acted on(!) but it means next time she goes in and she moans about how much it put the neighbours out having to find her toilet bag or clothes, I can point out she could have done something about it!

[DeskChair]

Have lived this. Fuck SIL wanting more inheritance.

Your DH is on board with stepping back listen to him. If it ends up that he falls or doesn’t eat or wash then that’s on him not you.

Tell him one last time you enjoy visiting socially and can do that if he has a cleaner and carer but you are not taking on that role.

[codandchipsandpeas]

@EmotionalBlackmail oh gosh I wasn't going to comment any more but your situation sounds so similar! The key safe was a huge issue, we had it installed when MIL was alive and in hospital as we were worried FIL would fall and no one could get in. He absolutely hates it and has complained over and over again, even though he agreed to it at the time.
It's so very hard to say no when the call comes, its helpful to know that you have put very clear boundaries in place and it is working for you. It's the complete refusal to help himself when he has the means to do so and it would take so much pressure off us. I never want to be like that with my own children when/if I reach that stage.
Thank you for posting your experience.

[Badger1970]

Losing your independence and abilities can be really devastating to accept for a lot of elderly people, and it's far nicer to have familiar family members helping rather than strangers. Let alone adding in the cost element.

I would encourage a family conference, where you all express concerns about his wellbeing and how he may end up in care if he has a bad fall etc. You need to dangle a carrot rather than beat with a stick here, and tell him that if he wants to remain at home then he needs to have a strong support network to do so. My Dad was always terrified of going into hospital so we were able to introduce care to him as a way of avoiding this.

[EmotionalBlackmail]

Good luck! @codandchipsandpeas

It was a wake up for me when I couldn't physically go (as unable to drive that time!) and had to say 'no'. My DB, helpfully, informed me it would be "easier" if I went - easier for whom?!  That's when I realised everyone was just assuming I'd do everything.

You don't even have to say no if you have your phone off as you don't know about the call (I had one msg about an A and E visit that arrived at 8.15am when I'd already set off to work. I didn't see it until after 6pm, by which point it was mostly resolved! No need for me at all!).

[AlpacaBag]

Every time he needs help (or you feel like he need something doing) I would message the SIL's. EVERY SINGLE TIME. "Your dad needs some laundry doing, what should we do about that?" "Your dad needs some shopping, what should we do about that?" EVERY TIME!

[Willynuts]

What happens if you say to FIL you're very busy/it's not convenient?

[codandchipsandpeas]

@Badger1970

Losing your independence and abilities can be really devastating to accept for a lot of elderly people, and it's far nicer to have familiar family members helping rather than strangers. Let alone adding in the cost element.

I would encourage a family conference, where you all express concerns about his wellbeing and how he may end up in care if he has a bad fall etc. You need to dangle a carrot rather than beat with a stick here, and tell him that if he wants to remain at home then he needs to have a strong support network to do so. My Dad was always terrified of going into hospital so we were able to introduce care to him as a way of avoiding this.

Believe me, the cost isn't an issue. There's huge amounts of savings plus a large modern house. A family conference wouldn't work, relationship between SILs and DH broke down many years ago for numerous reasons. So as 'nice' as it would be for family to provide the care, it is not at all practical or fair to expect just me to do it.

[codandchipsandpeas]

@Willynuts

What happens if you say to FIL you're very busy/it's not convenient?

I'm about to start trying so I'll let you know!

[codandchipsandpeas]

@EmotionalBlackmail

Good luck! @codandchipsandpeas

It was a wake up for me when I couldn't physically go (as unable to drive that time!) and had to say 'no'. My DB, helpfully, informed me it would be "easier" if I went - easier for whom?!  That's when I realised everyone was just assuming I'd do everything.

You don't even have to say no if you have your phone off as you don't know about the call (I had one msg about an A and E visit that arrived at 8.15am when I'd already set off to work. I didn't see it until after 6pm, by which point it was mostly resolved! No need for me at all!).

Thank you so much, it really helps to talk to someone who gets it