Has anyone stepped back from being involved with elderly parents as their condition deteriorates?

[codandchipsandpeas]

Sorry for the slightly odd title but I would value any opinions or advice on this. I'm going to keep it vague, there's a lot of back story I won't go in to.

Elderly FIL, been on his own for 2 years since MIL passed away. As the closest relative (geographically) I have always tried to pop over and help with little jobs, take him out to the shops, cook a meal, just go for a chat. I have also on numerous occasions helped when he has been in hospital with visiting, dropping stuff off etc. There are SILs but historically they have chosen not to be involved although this has improved recently.

FILs health is declining. He is refusing to accept any form of carer. This is of course his choice. Money is not an issue in any way whatsoever, he just doesn't want to spend it. He told us this recently.

I do not want to gradually fall in to the role of carer. It's too much expectation and I have my own job and responsibilities at home. It's half an hour to get there so not just down the road. I resent the assumption that I will do it just because I've always been the one to go. There have been a few emergency situations and I am expected to drop everything and pick up the pieces. It makes me cross because no one has asked me if I'm OK with this.

DH is fully supportive of me stepping back. He says FIL has made his choice and will have to live with it. He often works away so while he does what he can, this is limited. I feel a conflict of emotions, guilt for not doing more and anger for FILs refusal to help himself and take the pressure off me. There is a lot of emotional blackmail in the language he uses, a lot of barbed comments about what I haven't done and should be doing. He's not really coping with jobs like the laundry etc.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any words of advice about how to handle this, or whether I should just suck it up and do what's needed?

[MrsSkylerWhite]

Humiliating, possibly, but have you never been in hospital dependent for your every need on people who have no connection with you, no knowledge of you except what they’ve seen of you at your worst, rushed off their feet“

Yes. I will not have personal care from family.

[Fingerlessmitts]

@MrsSkylerWhite

Humiliating, possibly, but have you never been in hospital dependent for your every need on people who have no connection with you, no knowledge of you except what they’ve seen of you at your worst, rushed off their feet“

Yes. I will not have personal care from family.

I really don’t want to provide personal care. Mil asks dh to leave the room and then asks me for help and I don’t feel comfortable saying no, I resent being asked and put in that position. She doesn’t want paid carers either. I avoid going to her house now more and more.

[MrsSkylerWhite]

Fingerlessmitts · Today 1020

I really don’t want to provide personal care. Mil asks dh to leave the room and then asks me for help and I don’t feel comfortable saying no, I resent being asked and put in that position. She doesn’t want paid carers either. I avoid going to her house now more and more.”

Feel the same way. It’s not an issue because we live hundreds of miles away but at one point we were the closest relatives. I made it crystal clear at that point that I would not be involved in caring for my MIL. My husband is disabled and would be unable to assist physically either.
When the time came, MIL
fought against carers tooth and nail but had to accept in the end that there was no other way. She had to hit rockbottom first, though and the carers insisted on professional cleaners first, before they would come in. Money was not the issue.

[countrygirl99]

When FIL wasat hod most demandingwe made a point of having a glass of wine aftwr work if we'd had a few bad days so we could truthfully say "sorry can come, been drinking". Thankfully the situation was resolved before we became alcoholics.

[Justsoweary]

@countrygirl99

When FIL wasat hod most demandingwe made a point of having a glass of wine aftwr work if we'd had a few bad days so we could truthfully say "sorry can come, been drinking". Thankfully the situation was resolved before we became alcoholics.

Brilliant! Can relate

[countrygirl99]

That reads like I've hit the wine today 😆Mum is staying with DB for a few days so no need this week.

[JenniferBooth]

Im a bit suspicious about these virtual wards Is this a back door way of forcing families women to do more care

[codandchipsandpeas]

@MrsSkylerWhite I fear this is where we will end up, with the only way to get FIL to accept carers being for things to hit rock bottom. And that will only happen if I refuse point blank to get involved. Which really goes against my nature, but as lots of people have pointed out, I'm going to have to get tougher.
To everyone who has said to leave it to carers, the problem is getting FIL to accept it. He is absolutely adamant that he won't pay for them. So sadly I think we need a crisis to happen. What a sorry situation.

[Soothsayer1]

the problem is getting FIL to accept it
he has 2 choices, carers or cope on his own, if he choses the latter then it's on him, I would just step away & refuse to get involved or discuss it.
he thinks YOU are a soft touch OP, that's why he wont back down

[declutteringmymind]

I have done this - my MIL isn't at the stage your FIL is but I have helped her ALOT during the first 15 years of our marriage - more so than my husband.

I stepped back very gently. So went for shorter visits at my convenience rather than theirs. If she needs anything then I'll say I'll ask DH - whom she doesn't like to bother because he's too busy.

I've changed my role from caring for her to supporting my DH in caring for her.

Of course she comes out with us, I pick up shopping if I'm going that way etc, and if she needs my husband to do anything then I'll sort everything at home to free him up, encourage him to book lunch, take her shopping.

She's come to realise that it's him who isn't bothered, not me. And we have a cordial relationship which suits me fine. The favourite son is getting all the benefits child care, meals etc so I don't feel bad about them doing the grunt work.

Just do it slowly, little by little. Next time he asks for something just tell your DH. Then if DH doesn't do it then leave it up to them.

[larchforest]

There is still a pervading attitude among the 75+ age group that women in the generation below them either don't work at all, or they are only going out to work for a little bit of pin money.

They want to stay in their own home, they refuse point blank to entertain the idea of spending money on carers or even a cleaner, and insist that they can manage. With you popping round all the time, naturally.

[MissHappiness]

I don't suppose there is anyone else in his family history who he or his wife had to help in earlier years?

I managed to get my mum to accept carers by talking to her about her own mother and how a lot of care fell on my aunt. (Most of the the women in my famil seem to live well into their eighties and get slow onset Alzheimers from around 85.)

I was nice to her and said that I knew why she hated the idea but we needed to think ahead and make plans in case she got as bad as my gran was in the end.

That worked way better for me than the times I got mad as my mum's personality was such that the more you pushed, the more she pushed back. This way it was her (grudging) choice. She ended up mightily entertained by the carers' private lives.

But care companies can be quite hard work too and not always able to react to emergencies either....Good luck

[JenniferBooth]

@larchforest My 86 year old mum (shes 87 in Feb) does not think like that at all She worked fulltime herself until she retired at Christmas 2015 two months before her 80th birthday.

[HamBone]

@larchforest

There is still a pervading attitude among the 75+ age group that women in the generation below them either don't work at all, or they are only going out to work for a little bit of pin money.

They want to stay in their own home, they refuse point blank to entertain the idea of spending money on carers or even a cleaner, and insist that they can manage. With you popping round all the time, naturally.

Even if they don’t think exactly like that @larchforest, they often have an idealized view of how families looked after each other back in the old days.

My Dad (85) is convinced that everyone either had grandparents living with them in their home, or spent years looking after them. Even though that wasn’t always the case in his family…and those that did were either very put upon or had loads of help (e.g., multiple siblings helping out). This didn’t happen with his own parents though, they were far more independent that he wants to be!

[EmotionalBlackmail]

I realised with my Mum that what she wants is a daughter (has to be a daughter as obviously men are far too busy and important to do care stuff ) who lives very close by but not actually in the same house and who is available all the time immediately for shopping, driving to appointments, going out to garden centres for coffee, providing tea and cake for friends dropping round to visit etc. This daughter probably wouldn't have a job as she'd not be available for all this. And probably not a partner or child either as that would make her less available. No idea what this hypothetical daughter is meant to live on!

Once I'd realised this that also helped me take a step back as I'm not this daughter!

[HamBone]

@EmotionalBlackmail I can empathize, because I think that’s what my Dad wants as well!

They’re not nasty, they just don’t consider our needs as well as their own. My Dad would be quite happy for me to live with him, do all the cooking and household chores, and generally have no life whatsoever. But if I did that, he’d then wonder why I had no life….😂

[countrygirl99]

FIL was just the same. They had 3 boys and it didn't matter how much DH did. It didn'tmatter how much work time self employed DH gave up to take him to appointment or hive him a break, all he used to get was "I wish we'd had a daughter. A daughter would have looked after us properly. A daughter wouldn't have let strangers care for us."

[cosmiccosmos]

Why do women allow themselves to be walked over like this? It's up to your DH to co-ordinate/deal with. No way would I be taking this on, I've got my own parents to sort out.

[larchforest]

@cosmiccosmos

Why do women allow themselves to be walked over like this? It's up to your DH to co-ordinate/deal with. No way would I be taking this on, I've got my own parents to sort out.

This is the point of the thread. The OP isn't allowing it, and nor are many of us who have posted.

Some people genuinely want to care for their loved one and that's fine. But I think we can all agree that it has to be an individual's decision and not something that is foisted on to them by the elderly family member, the expectation of other relatives, or indeed the authorities who are only too willing to just dump and run if they can get away with it.

[Soothsayer1]

@countrygirl99

FIL was just the same. They had 3 boys and it didn't matter how much DH did. It didn'tmatter how much work time self employed DH gave up to take him to appointment or hive him a break, all he used to get was "I wish we'd had a daughter. A daughter would have looked after us properly. A daughter wouldn't have let strangers care for us."

he hasnt realised that time has moved on and women dont just roll over & obey men any more!

[piggypoole]

I think this Government wants the family to step in and do more thus saving them money .

[AdelaideRo]

I've stepped away from my sole remaining elderly relative. It's my aunt and she just keeps making bad decisions.

I can't bear it anymore. I've still got POA and will step in when she has lost capacity but I can't engage at the moment it makes me too cross that she is being a total idiot - refusing sensible help, benefits but continuing to hoard her house out with crap and not spending money on essential home repairs for ridiculous reasons.

[AdelaideRo]

When my maternal Grandmother reached the latter stages of her life she actually told me it was a shame I had a successful career (I'm a doctor) as it meant I couldn't just stop work and care for her.

TBH it has tainted all my memories of her and made me re-examine the past. My paternal grandparents in retrospect were always much more supportive of all of us having a good education/ career (even if my grandfather remained steadfastly disappointed I was "only" an anaesthetist and not a GP and he never listened to a single bit of medical advice I gave him.... )

[Soothsayer1]

shame I had a successful career (I'm a doctor) as it meant I couldn't just stop work and care for her
😯
ime, truth comes out when they start to unravel a bit, that's when you see what was under the veneer. Can see how it could be painful but for me it's been a joining of dots which has been helpful

[OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss]

I haven't read the whole thread just your original post OP and I'm in almost exactly the same situation with my own mother and protecting my own time/sanity/energy because she too is refusing to use a Walker even though she can barely walk and falls over multiple times a day - cruises on the spindley antique furniture like a 1 year old. She won't sign a POA or get a cleaner/gardener. Nor has she gotten round to organising someone to put up grab handles in her shower blah blah blah.

If she can't even do these basic life enabling and risk mitigations from (inevitable) falls etc why should I informally slide in to fill the gaps paid professionals should/could.

It infuriantesi me. It will be me that picks up the pieces as I live nearby.

I've even stopped calling her frequently to see if she's ok and as I've pointed out am at work 9-5 so not available then if she were to have a crisis (the fall she can't drag herself up from is likely to happen soon) I've started leaving my phone in another room while I work or if I see her number come up during working hours I'll phone her later.

If she'd have bought a bungalow two years ago when she moved here to be near me instead of an executive home with unforgiving ceramic floors or even a house walking distance from the GP and chemist like I suggested I'd have more patience but she's been so stubborn about preparing for her enfeebled years which are suddenly upon us i feel doing a MASSIVE 'I told you so'

She also hasn't looked after herself. Not a single bit of exercise in 30+ years and took up smoking fags during the pandemic.

Ffs. It's infuriating so I refuse to sacrifice my life because of her bizarre decisions and inactivity.

(cathartic rant over thanks for starting this thread)