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Elderly parents
Original poster

DM has summoned me and my brother to moan at us both together in person

104 replies

LindorDoubleChoc · 14/01/2023 16:35

This is what it boils down to. She is in a care home because she can no longer live safely alone at home (several falls, almost completely immobile, dementia beginning to set in).

She has been there since 1st December. My brother and I, who are both in our 60s and live 1.5 and 2.5 hours drive away, signed a big sigh of relief and hoped the endless phone calls and problems would go away when she moved in.

But ... NO! She is not happy in the home. She tells me every phone call and every visit. She said she wanted he and I to visit her at the same time so the three of us could "talk things over". I have agreed to go - very reluctantly - but what for? She can't go home! I am getting to the end of my rope with her endless complaints. Because she is getting forgetful she literally writes a list to tell me. It will be more of the same tomorrow. I'm completely dreading it and so resentful of all the worry and stress this causes me. My teenage son and my husband are also at low points right now, I don't need this on top of everything.

I just want her to appreciate what she has and accept this is her life now. It is an extremely good care home, very expensive, very comfortable. It is the place she said she'd want to go if she ever reached that point!

The stress is making me depressed. No doubt my brother too.

How should I approach it do you think? Any ideas?

OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 14/01/2023 16:39

honestly, it is probably better to listen and arrange counselling for yourself to offload.

CrotchetyQuaver · 14/01/2023 16:39

Brisk and no nonsense would be my suggestion and refuse to be drawn into an argument. And meet up with your brother to discuss strategy before you go in to see her.

If she's not safe at home it's a non starter!

wormshuffled · 14/01/2023 16:46

Did mum have an input into the care home choice? Could it be this?
Unfortunately she does need you to be her voice, it won't be for long and I'm afraid I personally see it as yours and your brothers duty to make sure she is comfortable and happy. I'm prepared to get flamed for this opinion too.
Is living with either of you an option?

ValerieDoonican · 14/01/2023 16:46

Yep you need to prtwsent a united front with your brother if possible.

If he isn't cooperating with you and isn't getting his share of the flak, make sure it is redirected to him. So mum says to you "I cannot stand X, it is no good" looking to you to reply, say nowt and look at your brother.

Hbh17 · 14/01/2023 16:48

You don't have to go.

Elphame · 14/01/2023 16:59

She may have good reason to be unhappy. Just because the place is expensive really doesn't mean that it's a nice place to be.

I've had elderly clients who never settled

Go and at least listen to her.

Sucessinthenewyear · 14/01/2023 17:04

Her feelings are valid. Go and empathise with her. Tell her there isn’t a viable alternative but a care home - offer to arrange to show her some others. Tell her other than moving care home or arranging for a personal carer to take her out (if there is money for that) but you can’t facilitate anything else.

Original poster
LindorDoubleChoc · 14/01/2023 17:05

To pp who asked - yes, she did have input into the decision to go into a care home and she had been there before, for 6 weeks respite after a hospital stay last year, and when I found out that they had a permanent room available she was relieved and happy to hear it.

I think the complaints are all to do with her advancing dementia. She is just grumpy and crabby all the time about everything. She's always been a bit of a moaner, but this is on a different level.

No. Neither my brother or I want her living with us!

OP posts:
NewUserName2023 · 14/01/2023 17:06

Meet up with your DB before you go in for a visit and agree your response of listening to her but not offering a solution. I think there's a huge difference between thinking a care home would be ok to live in, and the necessary acceptance that this is how her life is now. If she wishes to remain well and cared for, she needs to make the most of it, join in things and chat to other people. She may feel her loss of autonomy, independence and identity keenly.

I get the same complaint each time I visit my aunt, including her whispered plans for her escape. She has dementia and uses a wheelchair as she can't walk. She knows I gave up work to care for my disabled husband at home and couldn't manage her living with us as well. But she feels her needs should come before my own family. We've not enough downstairs space, and I have limited patience with her now. I just nod and agree with her but don't offer any solutions. Which is tough as by nature I'm a people pleaser and fixer - but I can do no more to "fix" her life or improve her health/remove old age! Her happiness is in her own hands.

Original poster
LindorDoubleChoc · 14/01/2023 17:08

I'd love to have the time or inclination to show her around a choice of care homes. Unfortunately, I work 4 days a week and live nearly 100 miles away! Also, she's not mobile enough to get in and out of cars all day.

I don't think she would enjoy any other care home any more, sadly.

OP posts:
choochooandspook · 14/01/2023 17:12

Elphame · 14/01/2023 16:59

She may have good reason to be unhappy. Just because the place is expensive really doesn't mean that it's a nice place to be.

I've had elderly clients who never settled

Go and at least listen to her.

agree with this.

ancientgran · 14/01/2023 17:13

Would she better in a home close to you and/or your brother. Easier for short frequent visits.

MintChocCornetto · 14/01/2023 17:14

Agree with the suggestion to speak to DB beforehand and agree a common approach. Don't let her play you off against each other.

If you feel her concerns are valid then you and DB get together afterwards and discuss, don't agree anything there and then.

Good luck OP

Bard6817 · 14/01/2023 17:14

As others have suggested - meet brother beforehand and agree how it’s to be handled.

Stick to the plan.

Im not a great believer in ‘her feelings are valid’ because all too often we see people abuse such positions and make others feel bad for their own satisfaction or agenda.

Listen, enmpathise, take on board constructive or reasonable requests - but hold your ground, and if it’s a moan fest be blunt - this is her life now, other care homes are an option, but she needs to face up to that, engage and as much as you love her, you aren’t going to sit there and listen to her gripes and it makes you not want to visit. Her choice. Basically a bit of tough love.

cptartapp · 14/01/2023 17:15

Any decent parent wouldn't go and live indefinitely with their busy adult DC in the prime of their life with jobs and families of their own. With dementia and advancing age today is the best she will ever be. Physically and cognitively. She wouldn't burden them with that responsibility surely, so put that idea of our your head without any guilt. It's not your duty to make her happy. Safe and well cared for yes.
Sometimes good enough has to do.

lljkk · 14/01/2023 17:16

With organic disease advancing, & need to keep your own morale up. She can't change & nobody can fix her... You just can't take her seriously, OP. See if you can find small moments to improve her mood and make you cheerful together. Find little positive moments. Much of what she says you'll need to let it flow & not get tangled up in it.

growinggreyer · 14/01/2023 17:18

Ask the staff if they have anyone who can assist you. We had psychologist input for my Dad when he had dementia and it was amazing how she listened to him saying stuff like he wanted to go and buy a farm and then translated this into him wanting to have a role, wanting to be more active etc. So whatever the actual words are, try to see behind them. Is she saying she is lonely, frightened, bored and how can you meet the actual need.

Patineur · 14/01/2023 17:27

Is it worth talking to the doctor about prescribing anti-depressants for her? My mother became more and more unbearable to deal with as dementia set in, partly because she was constantly either angry or miserable. Anti-depressants weren't a complete answer but they definitely helped.

invisibleoldwoman · 14/01/2023 17:28

My father did this. My sister and I told him that we could help him find another care home or help resolve any issues with the home he was in. But if he wanted to to live independently again then he had to arrange that himself because that is what independent living means. We could not help him with this. That no-one was holding him prisoner. His choice. We did not hear anymore about it. We had to stop pussyfooting about the issue and be very clear and firm about the limits of our involvement. Good luck.

wormshuffled · 14/01/2023 17:29

I would want putting down rather than be in a care home at least an hour and a half away from my family.

Spending a fortune (mine or my kids money) on staying alive somewhere I wasn't happy is literal hell to me.
Could she move closer to one of you?

2bazookas · 14/01/2023 17:30

I would raise her unsettled whinging with the care home, so they are aware and can perhaps divert her attention.

You mention she relies on written notes to remind her of all her complaints, and I wonder if that's something you can turn around to help all of you?

Could you and DB photo-frame a message of love and reassurance, with both your photos, and perhaps a reminder such as "Remember, Jim will phone you at 7pm on Monday Wednesday and Friday. Doublechoc will phone you every Tuesday Thursday and Saturday. On Sundays, one of us will visit". She can keep it in her room and you could prompt staff to say to her "It's Tuesday, you'll get a call from Doublechoc tonight".

An album of photos of family, her home, pets, friends etc might also be a comfort.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 14/01/2023 17:34

Could you set a time limit with you mum or talking about her issues/complaints. Maybe 20 mins. Then pick up any you think are “valid” and plan what to do with them. Then try to follow it up with something more positive after - eg go to a cafe for tea and cake/ play a card game/look at family photos etc?

SeatonCarew · 14/01/2023 17:37

Are there any little treats you could arrange for her that would make her feel a bit happier or more cared for? Weekly flowers, chocolates or a bottle of wine? Having her nails done? Jigsaws? Books?

What does she still enjoy? What would she value that would make her feel a bit more independent or spoiled? I understand your frustration, I really do, but it can't be much fun feeling your autonomy is being taken away and you are completely dependent on random individuals for the rest of your life. Maybe if you could find something it might help a bit, and possibly lead her into more interaction with other residents. If she's busy or entertained, she's not phoning you.

2reefsin30knots · 14/01/2023 17:41

I agree with PP that it would be better if she moved to a home very close to either you or DB. Short, regular visits on a routine will be easier for her and you or DB I think.

Anthillmobontherun · 14/01/2023 17:41

OP I really feel for you and any poster who tries to guilt you can just sod off. It's intolerably hard trying to deal with an elderly relative and you really don't need buckets of guilt on top of it. Def be brusque, listen but move on quickly, good luck! Oh and no I doubt any other home would be any different!

Solidarity xx