DM has summoned me and my brother to moan at us both together in person

[LindorDoubleChoc]

This is what it boils down to. She is in a care home because she can no longer live safely alone at home (several falls, almost completely immobile, dementia beginning to set in).

She has been there since 1st December. My brother and I, who are both in our 60s and live 1.5 and 2.5 hours drive away, signed a big sigh of relief and hoped the endless phone calls and problems would go away when she moved in.

But ... NO! She is not happy in the home. She tells me every phone call and every visit. She said she wanted he and I to visit her at the same time so the three of us could "talk things over". I have agreed to go - very reluctantly - but what for? She can't go home! I am getting to the end of my rope with her endless complaints. Because she is getting forgetful she literally writes a list to tell me. It will be more of the same tomorrow. I'm completely dreading it and so resentful of all the worry and stress this causes me. My teenage son and my husband are also at low points right now, I don't need this on top of everything.

I just want her to appreciate what she has and accept this is her life now. It is an extremely good care home, very expensive, very comfortable. It is the place she said she'd want to go if she ever reached that point!

The stress is making me depressed. No doubt my brother too.

How should I approach it do you think? Any ideas?

My first thought was you don't have to go

my second thought is do go, ask her if anything in particular needs to be sorted at the care home, are they treating her well etc.

I understand and sympathise with your resentment. I wish I could say something more helpful.

It also means you can build a relationship with the care team which will be invaluable when she becomes frailer and more ill.

Get a phone with a number display. Don’t answer calls before ( insert your time of choice) or after (ditto). Answer or ring once a day, no more.

I did this, and actually my DM stopped calling all the time, and started chatting to other residents. Her mood improved quite a lot as a result.

Is there a key worker there for her, who you could ask generally how she is settling in? There may be activities she is enjoying but does not remember when she talks to you and your brother

My mother reached a point when she had dementia where she didn't seem to want any of her moans remedied. She was always complaining about how bored she was, and we tried endless things to help, but she simply either sabotaged them, refused to take part, or said she didn't like it. In the end we concluded that it was pointless to try and had to leave her to it.

This is something I feel would be helpful. If she had a key worker (as toddlers do in a nursery!) and I think I will try and establish with the home who we can speak to about specific needs.

She loved living at home in her little bungalow and managed very well (with quite a lot of support) until maybe 18 months ago. She is now 91, so not done too badly.

I don't think she wants to be "put down" and I find it rather upsetting that you would suggest that wormshuffled. My brother and I are her only family, but she has lived in the city she is now in since 1965 and although most of her friends have sadly passed on she has 3 or 4 people who will visit her every now and then in the care home. If she moved closer to me or db we would be her only visitors. And between us we've managed to visit her once a week for 7 or 8 weeks.

I was reading on another thread that perhaps it's best to reduce visiting in the settling in period?

Sadly she sounds like she wouldn't be happy whatever you do. You can certainly listen to her whinging but unless she is unhappy about something you can actually do something about I would try to just listen but not respond. From experience I have found as relatives get older they get more grumpy because they have little else to occupy their time. Speak to the staff to see what they think.

You have my sympathies @LindorDoubleChoc My mum passed away earlier this year after a long few years in a very good nursing home, she went in at 90 after yet another hospital admission where they said she could not live on her First few months we had a lot of moaning and complaints, and before that she was always phoning me to complain about something. In retrospect it was the start of her dementia but was really upsetting for all of us, every phone call was a complaint about something I had supposedly not done, or not done right.

For us, when visiting, it helped to say, well let’s give it a month and see how you feel then, as that extended the time period. And in time she forgot she had agreed to that and actually settled ok. And the dementia progressing in some ways made her more settled as she forgot where she was. All I can say is have someone you can moan to, as it helps, and keep a united front with your brother.

I think this is part of the dementia sadly. It can amplify any grumpiness but equally be prepare that she might be in great form when you actually go, having forgotten it all by now.
If you have confidence in the home and don’t feel the worries are valid, then just stress that she’s in the best place for her needs.
Some days we are told it’s the best place ever, some that it’s the opposite. You can’t win.

Are you really sure that if she was closer to you or your brother it would not be easier for all of you ?

It sounds like a really difficult situation, you have my sympathy.

I would try and reframe the way you think about it. Even if this is the best place for her, it's a huge life change and she's managing it along a disease which impacts her understanding and her emotions.

When she complains, try and resist the feeling that you should change things to make it better, or even that she is asking you to do so. See it as a symptom of her condition and her situation that she needs to offload her feelings to someone.

What capacity do you have to be that person? As pp suggest, could you listen for 20min offering sympathy and then move the conversation on? Could you arrange for her to talk to someone else about it?

Come up with some stock responses to standard complaints, some good suggestions above to help you get through.

In all honesty this will only get worse. You need to get yourself support. Also you need to agree with your siblings a visiting schedule so your mum has regular visits and it's not all on one person.

Eventually, the care home took my nans phone away. She was calling everyone (7 childre) repeatedly throughout the day. She was actually getting very nasty on the phone. which is totally out of character but related to her illness. She had no idea she called before and had only just hung up. In the end my mum was very distressed. She was getting calls at 4am. At ghis stage my nan has no idea who she is or who her children are. It's a progressive disease. Things have settled down a bit but it's very sad really. She is a shadow of herself.

My, unsolicited, advice is to enjoy your mum as much as you can while you can because that's what will get you through. I really miss talking shit with my nan. Now she just looks at me all vacant and with a touch of fear.

If she lived closer to you, would you go more frequently and would it be possible to pop in more? Any adult dc who would also be able to pop in if she was near you / your DB?

sadly, from experiences in our own family, those friends visits will drop off as her illness progresses- there is often a nasty /argumentative stage and that’s when only those with a family duty continue to show up. I wouldn’t factor them into a long term plan.

if her being close to you / your DB would make yours and /or DBS lives easier, then you should go for it.

unMNy hugs /stoical pat on the back - it’s a properly shit situation.

I am hoping to move nearer to mum so I am not against it per se

however, in OP's case I think there might be benefits to the distance.

I feel your pain, OP. In my case it was my MIL. However...

Listen to what she has to say about the place and why she doesn't like it and see if there's anything in what she says. MIL had been in an ordinary care home for a few years where she was happy but had to be transferred to a bigger, smarter dementia-specialist home when she started wandering. At first we thought it was just grumbling, but it didn't take long for us to realise that though modern and attractive, the place was badly run. All MIL's clothing was lost in the first month and she was often dressed in whatever they had to spare. The worst thing was the appalling management and the attitude of the staff. They were harsh and shouty. After a bizarre meeting with management, where the manager and her deputy both lied and then cried when we showed them photographic evidence that they weren't meeting care standards, we sent our evidence to the CQC, they investigated and the home was closed within a few weeks. Even though MIL was confused, she knew something was wrong.

Hello OP. I noticed you said your DM is immobile. Might you please consider discussing physiotherapy with the staff for DM with a view to improving/restoring enough mobility to get to the loo under her own steam again. My mother recently died in a care home, was experiencing some dementia and would not have been able to identify or voice this need. With being stuck in a bed, mum's position was dire as she succumbed to first D&V and then Covid. I feel if we had got on to physiotherapy from the earliest possible date, she would have been less miserable - if she had agreed, of course. I suspect she would not as she wasn't used at all to having to make efforts to help herself. I'll always wonder though so might you please consider that angle as you navigate through everything else.

It's still early days for her Op l would go and reassure her as best you can .
l realise it is difficult for you both

My parents are in their early nineties. Dad has dementia, mum is frail. They had respite for 3 weeks last summer in a care home but wanted to return home. We have arranged 24 hour live-in care from an agency called Helping Hands. It's not cheap but they get one to one care and are in their own familiar environment. The carers have been excellent. Is this something you could look into?

And between us we've managed to visit her once a week for 7 or 8 weeks.
I was reading on another thread that perhaps it's best to reduce visiting in the settling in period?

We were told this as we were visiting 6 out of 7 days between us all. But I think if you are visiting once a week between you (so basically every other week each) then you can't really lessen that.

As PP's have said, a firm talk and get the point of contact person in the home for her (she should be assigned a keyworker) who can call if they are worried. Otherwise just brush off her moans - hard though I know it is. Your H and son are your priorities, and most importantly YOU are

Maybe you could ask her what she thinks the alternative is, which hopefully will make her see this is the best option for her (unless of course she has a better option)

Oh and the other thing I missed - my mother was being toileted by both men and women and when I think of this, having realised after her death, and how much she would have disliked it I feel ashamed. I know some don't care, I won't when it comes to my turn, but I never thought to ask because I made the assumption and care home now says "well your mother never expressed a preference."

Is she on any antidepressants? Is the low mood/grumpiness worth investigating with a GP? It's quite common for dementia patients to suffer low mood, especially at the beginning stages when they are still aware of what they are losing.

I'd try and speak to the staff separately and see what their view is.

My DF often moaned at first, and that nothing ever happened in the place etc. We spoke to staff as we knew there were lots of day trips and 'events' like games nights and entertainment etc. He wouldn't go if it were up to him, but if he happened to be in the room when it was on, really enjoyed himself. The staff also started needing his 'help' a lot, to balance the numbers or tell them if something was set up correctly etc. After a long time on his own at home, he wasn't used to socialising with new people and was lonely.

Instead of driving the long distance, could you set up a zoom or FaceTime with one of the staff there and speak to your mother that way, including your brother in on the call?

Then your mother could see both of you and talk, discuss things and you could get a feeling whether it was necessary to go in person or if your mother’s concerns can be addressed and resolved in a remote meeting.

@LindorDoubleChoc it’s a really horrible thing to be facing and the transition is hard.

No advice just sympathy.

My grandmother in law would beg me to take her home after every visit and it used to tear me apart. (dementia sufferer too). I was luck that her care home was on my route home and I could visit as part of my commute, so not the additional pressures that you have.

Do you and your brother have a good relationship? I hope so - a united front and supporting each other will be invaluable as time goes on.

SET technique - Support her by listening, Empathize by acknowledging her feelings, then say the Truth - she cant live by herself and cant live with either of you.