DM has summoned me and my brother to moan at us both together in person

[LindorDoubleChoc]

This is what it boils down to. She is in a care home because she can no longer live safely alone at home (several falls, almost completely immobile, dementia beginning to set in).

She has been there since 1st December. My brother and I, who are both in our 60s and live 1.5 and 2.5 hours drive away, signed a big sigh of relief and hoped the endless phone calls and problems would go away when she moved in.

But ... NO! She is not happy in the home. She tells me every phone call and every visit. She said she wanted he and I to visit her at the same time so the three of us could "talk things over". I have agreed to go - very reluctantly - but what for? She can't go home! I am getting to the end of my rope with her endless complaints. Because she is getting forgetful she literally writes a list to tell me. It will be more of the same tomorrow. I'm completely dreading it and so resentful of all the worry and stress this causes me. My teenage son and my husband are also at low points right now, I don't need this on top of everything.

I just want her to appreciate what she has and accept this is her life now. It is an extremely good care home, very expensive, very comfortable. It is the place she said she'd want to go if she ever reached that point!

The stress is making me depressed. No doubt my brother too.

How should I approach it do you think? Any ideas?

Understand how difficult it must be to find yourself in her position. Dementia must be hard to come to terms with. You don't have to take all her offloading personally. Let her moan, by sympathetic eithiut offering solutions, if she has suggestions that won't work tell your you are sorry that won't work and remind her that you love her. Remember that you've done the right thing so don't feel guilty, if she stayed living along and had an accident you would feel worse. And remember hat you get to go home and continue living your life as you know it.

Couldn’t agree more.

It's not your duty to make her happy. Safe and well cared for yes. If I’m not going to be happy, I couldn’t care two hoots about being “safe”. Rather the opposite. I do not want my life prolonged once I have lost the ability to do what I want when I want.

I find it rather upsetting that you would suggest that wormshuffled I don’t think she was suggesting that for one minute. She was giving her feelings about the situation, partly to highlight how hard it can be for the person in care

I went through with Dad the things that needed to happen before he came home - leg edema needed to be gone, he needed to be walking x distance, etc. Just repeated every time he grumbled. Eventually he settled

Hopefully I'm way off here but based on your posts on here, it sounds like you don't like her very much? Like you see her as a burden? Could she be picking up on this? That would hurt anybody I imagine

First thing I think is, how hard it must be for such a change for your mum, and you & your brother. To accept you need a care home when you have full capacity is hard, but to go into a care home when you are experiencing dementia must be scary and isolating. Your mum moaning is a symptom of her illness, and as upsetting/frustrating/challenging this is, it is likely to not change. I might be wrong. The suggestion of psychology is a good one, understanding ways to support and respond to your mum when she is finding things difficult would be good. There is no easy answer, it's alot of patience, love, learning, communication. Roles have reversed and you're much needed x

My mum moved into a care home about 3 weeks ago. She was very low at first and needed to tell us at every opportunity. I would always ask her, is there anything you need? Is there anything we can talk to the staff about to make things better? The response was usually no. She just didn’t want to be in the situation she is in, which is understandable but we can’t change it. We can only work with the reality that she’s facing.

I agree with a PP to see if she can be assessed for depression. It is very common for people who have dementia to also have depression and she can be treated for that with medication. Finding activities she enjoys is also important and we are struggling with that for Mum who isn’t interested in any of the things she used to enjoy. The resulting boredom makes them unhappy which is understandable.

Mum’s care home is close to my house but I don’t go every day as we run out of things to talk about and then she will just start talking about feeling unhappy. I go about 3 x a week. She also gets regular visits from her sister and cousin. I think if she had a visitor every day she would be less inclined to get involved in activities as she’d be just waiting around for her visit. It’s a little bit of tough love at this stage and so far seems to be working as she told me yesterday she’s going to try some activities next week (previously said she wasn’t interested).

I remember hearing something on the radio about dementia sufferers not remembering the reason for something but they remember the feelings. So go, listen, validate her. Talk to the staff and see if there's any truth in her complaints.

Your mother is ill. She has dementia and it is not her fault; it is her misfortune and the misfortune of anyone who cares about her.
Her misery and her behaviour are probably going to get worse. Be as kind to her as you can, because this is the illness speaking, which can't be reasoned with or changed.

It is very sad, and there is no solution to the tragedy of living in a care home with advancing dementia except death.

Indeed. And try and be nice to her as chances are you are headed the same way yourself, dementia be hugely hereditary. At least you will be setting your kids a good example about how they might expect to care for you and how they can reasonably expect their kids to care for them. How bloody depressing it all is.

Even people living in their own homes with dementia begin asking to 'go home'. It's a common phenomenon.
Sadly, as long as we wish modern medicine to prolong life to the point we are cognitively impaired, extremely frail or both, this is what life often becomes.

I had this with my mother. She has dementia and could no longer look after herself safely, so had to go into a home. Initially I had the phone calls and demands to be taken home. It will pass as the dementia takes hold - sadly.
I would follow the advice of the pp who said be brisk and business like and get counselling for yourself. I'm not sure about the counselling, but focus on your family and the freedom you now have, because she is looked after and safe.

You have my sympathy but the situation does ease. 💐

She's not been there very long, both mum and MIL took longer than that to settle. In another two months all might be sweetness and light. I'd listen to her list of points (take a pen and paper and make your own list to show how serious you're taking it) and see if there's anything that could be done. For example if you tell the staff she's bored they might find her some jobs to do. Mum was much happier once she started working at the home (she thought) because it gave her a sense of purpose.

If she's got a list then it's a way not to be sidetracked, no point spending twenty minutes with the ins and outs of point one when there are a dozen more things on the list. Like professional presentations - discussion is at the end. I'd stick with six weeks being not enough to have given it a fair chance, she needs to give it another couple of months to settle. Hopefully there will be something on the list that you can do something about and that might make her feel that she's still got a say in her own life.

"Just move her nearer" might not solve anything. It's not going to give her back her independence, the routine of her day that she's used to, her own bed.

Empathetic but firm

”mum, I know you miss your old life. It was great wasn’t it, but you know you can’t go back. It’s just not possible. You’ve really just got to make the best of things now. You can try to see the positive nice things or you can dwell on the negatives. I know it’s hard but you are going to have to try and appreciate that things could be a lot worse if you were just in any old place. At least you thought this one was nice because of x,y and z”

Do you have cameras in the home? How do you know she's been treated well?

Thanks for all the lovely kind messages, some really helpful points and advice here 💐.

Am currently on the bus to meet my brother and we will drive down together.

Really I should be at home with my son as we were both in floods of tears last night (me trying and failing to help him) but I will not take the resentment out on my mother. I've never known stress like it.

There is little to no choice in nursing homes or Dementia care homes anywhere right now. Social care is rammed full and waiting lists are overflowing. So promising to view any others nearer you will be near impossible.
She helped pick the place she probably wants to man and complain to you both. I'd go, take her some flowers or whatever you know she's like. Sit and listen, don't agree to anything. Smile and give her a kiss goodbye and tell her you'll see her again as soon as you can arrange it with work/family commitments and go home.

@Greenfinch7 gives some compassionate and sound advice here.

I'd agree with this a bit more if posters weren't talking about her like she's a dog. The "little treats" one was my favourite

Honestly ? I just wouldn't go. Make up an excuse. Her ranting at you won't make anyone feel better, not even her. And you going to see her when it makes you dread it and resent her serves no purpose.

Go another time, when it'll be less likely to be her listing all the things she's unhappy about and you can both enjoy the visit, bring a few treats then.

Plus at 60 you're past the age of being summoned by a parent for a dessing down that you don't even deserve.

Oh my dear
have a hug
my mum doesn't have dementia but even then, the burden of an elderly parent is so hard to bear. I also never realised I would find it a burden, if that makes sense. I hope today was okay.

My mum has dementia and she got very negative and snappy. I got the doctors to put her on anti-depressants and the difference is fantastic. She's more positive and more sweet-natured. That and her memantine has completely changed her.

Utterly astonishes me when people can't even finish reading the OP before leaping on the comment button to ask a pointless question.

Absolutely, let her off load on you and find some support for yourself.

The important point is that she doesn't have any options. She needs to be safe, she can no longer live independently. She needs to get used to this change in circumstances and offloading may help that.

It's not reasonable of you to expect her to be grateful and resigned to this change in her circumstances. She doesn't need to be, really, she just needs to go along with it.

IME the staff are very good and able to manage this kind of behaviour. Let the manager / supervisor know you are coming, have a chat with them first and a debrief afterwards. There may be some simple change that could be done for her.

My DSis dealt with my parents so.much.better than I did. She accepted that it wasn't ideal and dealt briskly with complains. Accept a bit of loading then distraction, just as you would with an unhappy toddler.

OP, forget DM for a bit. She is safe and made her life choices. For now prioritise you and your DS 100%. All too often, those that shout/ moan loudest get attention that should really go elsewhere. Hugs to you and your son. Once my DM went into care it was a good bit easier to prioritise the right people.