DM has summoned me and my brother to moan at us both together in person

[LindorDoubleChoc]

This is what it boils down to. She is in a care home because she can no longer live safely alone at home (several falls, almost completely immobile, dementia beginning to set in).

She has been there since 1st December. My brother and I, who are both in our 60s and live 1.5 and 2.5 hours drive away, signed a big sigh of relief and hoped the endless phone calls and problems would go away when she moved in.

But ... NO! She is not happy in the home. She tells me every phone call and every visit. She said she wanted he and I to visit her at the same time so the three of us could "talk things over". I have agreed to go - very reluctantly - but what for? She can't go home! I am getting to the end of my rope with her endless complaints. Because she is getting forgetful she literally writes a list to tell me. It will be more of the same tomorrow. I'm completely dreading it and so resentful of all the worry and stress this causes me. My teenage son and my husband are also at low points right now, I don't need this on top of everything.

I just want her to appreciate what she has and accept this is her life now. It is an extremely good care home, very expensive, very comfortable. It is the place she said she'd want to go if she ever reached that point!

The stress is making me depressed. No doubt my brother too.

How should I approach it do you think? Any ideas?

Maybe ask her what the solution is so she can see that there isn’t a reasonable alternative.

We did that, when we visited yesterday. Part of her understands, a big part of her doesn't want to accept it.

hi, couldnt read and run. I totally understand your overwhelm and irritation and think its fine! Practice lots of "ommmmm!"

There are a lot of posters here urging you do be more compassionate and see her more (move her nearer you) but itnore those - sounds like there is some history and you arent close . (not everyone has good relationships with their parents and a lot of us are just bloody tired of nasty behaviour that predated them getting dementia).

Dont forget you ahve probably done a lot of work in the past few years of sorting the admin/move/ carers or help for her - which took you away from your life and family, and now she is still needing things. It will calm down - she's early days. If there are practical things you can do , great get them done, but if its a sounding board then you dont have to be that.

I hate to say it but I do find that my mum has BAD days - on a bad day there is no point speaking, she will argue black and white, rant and rave and EVERYTHING is wrong. She'll ring about five times. It took me a while but now realise its like a kind of red mist comes in and goes again, and she will forget most of it -
On a good day, she can be pleasant but you dont get shouted at.

Best thing I did regarding this was block my mothers number on my phone (iphone) she can still leave messages but I dont get her calling 5 times a day during work time or early in the morning. I call back at my convenience.

Hope it settles for you and think its pretty normal! Hope that helps.

Thanks for your message @Tista! Sadly my mother and I don't have a particularly close relationship, it's rather dysfunctional and damaged. But even if it weren't - she can't live with me or my brother as we both live in smallish London houses with lots of stairs between levels and no toilets or bathrooms on the ground floor.

And if she moved to a care home closer to London she would have no visitors from her home town.

We all have to be grateful for the good care she is receiving without a whole lot of guilt and additional stress being piled up on us. As I said, her being in this care home doesn't mean we have a lot of respite in many ways.