Older people rebel to keep sense of control, research finds

[MereDintofPandiculation]

www.theguardian.com/society/2022/dec/21/older-people-rebel-to-keep-sense-of-control-study-finds

so next time your elder is being awkward, remember it’s good for them

Time for that very frank chat on the way home.

Head glad you don't have to have her at home.

Solidarity all.

This thread and others like it are so comforting, it's the isolation I find so hard. Other people seem to sail through with their parents

was there more social care provision in the past? Two things,first less demand on it, people were less likely to survive to experience the joys of dementia. Secondly, yes, there was more available. 35 years ago I was given a cleaner for the 6weeks after a caesarian.

My cousin has spent 40 years fighting against SS reducing the respite hours and “sitting with” allowance for his son - an indication of increasing pressure on the services

Thankyou, thinking of everyone struggling, hope it's a better year in 2023!

Absolutely, trouble is I've had the frank chats but they have this attitude that things will always get better. It's a good attitude in general, I don't want them to be pessimistic and give up on life but it's so over optimistic it closes debate on how to manage life better. Eg, the talk about the most recent fall ended up as basically 'I hardly ever have a fall, I just need to go a bit slower', wouldn't even consider a grab rail or walking frame to help with getting up/down and even though falls are becoming more frequent they are stubbornly adamant each one is just a random one off and won't hear of anything else. Same for all the other multitudes of things I need to sort for them, each one is just a one off and won't happen again, until the next time.

We have exactly the same overly-optimistic attitude, not helped by my idiot sister in law who’s assumed some advocate role and enables MIL in her head in the sand approach (over the phone from a distance) by telling her what she wants to hear. Very frustrating.

There must be some kind of 'playbook' they all get because I have a sister that does the exact same thing! She knows everything and has all the answers even though the answers don't work and she doesn't have to clear up the mess because she lives miles away.

I'm the sister who's miles away! Sorry.

I try hard not to undermine what's being said by the sister who's nearby- but they seem to specialise in butting heads and proving each other wrong, rather than finding solutions.

Optimism is a very over rated quality when it prevents you getting the support you need. DM wouldn't let DF prepare for the inevitable after his terminal diagnosis. She insisted on living as though it hadn't happened. It denied us all so much.

We’re both far away from MIL, it’s just that SIL is further away - but she specialises in providing useless advice and telling MIL what she wants to hear, rather than what she should hear. This makes her the favourite (which sounds pathetic at our age) and consequently we are the difficult ones for suggesting things like call alarms and care packages.

It's not the living miles away I have a problem with to be fair, we're miles away from the ILs ourselves and hopefully help rather than hinder over the phone. It's the useless advice, enabling and not supporting with solutions as you've mentioned. It's like someone not only being unable to help you sort out a fire, which is fine, but then pouring out their unwanted petrol on it too, so frustrating.

I'm inclined to find compromises, which irritates my sister who feels it's time for a hardline approach. I don't think we'll get anywhere with a hardline approach though. She'll happily cut her nose off to spite her face, already defends my brother who does sod all, and generally isn't amenable to not getting her own way! I try and disguise what I want as what she wants. Sometimes I succeed 😂.

NC for NY

I think whoever shoulders the biggest part of the burden gets the most say, especially if they aren't asking you to do anything.

I probably agree!
I've had mum for the last 10 days. She's driven me potty but has more or less had a good time. I'm blessed with a husband and sons who know how to handle her so we do a team effort.