Older people rebel to keep sense of control, research finds

[MereDintofPandiculation]

www.theguardian.com/society/2022/dec/21/older-people-rebel-to-keep-sense-of-control-study-finds

so next time your elder is being awkward, remember it’s good for them

I'm sick of tears, much rather bully

few years back mum said "are you a dictator now?"

I paused, waited for impact, and quietly said "yes".

I did cry on Tuesday. It's just awful, and taboo to say, having oldies is awful.

and before someone not known to the board comes along and says "wait till they're gone" - I do find it less awful to have one than two, and very relieved dad didn't get this old.

My Nan is celebrating her 101st birthday and I can confirm she is! Won't use her walker despite having about 8 million falls, won't turn her hearing aids on etc etc etc

If I ever get to 90+ then the kids can bloody well suck up my "shenanigans" and rebellion. I don't intend to be too far gone to not recall theirs. Call it revenge parenting..

I'm not in the 'you'll miss them when they are gone' school. I mean, yes if they are taken unexpectedly and in good health. If it's been years of decline and misery, then no.

*celebrating her 101st birthday today!

DMIL is 93 and lives 4 hrs away on her own but near BIL. We were at her house one day when she told us about a problem she'd had with her electrics. She told us how she got the step ladder out to climb up to the trip switches. She's registered blind (has some limited vision though). DH just laughed and said "Really! What could possibly have gone wrong Mother"?

She is fiercely independent though and has embraced technology to assist her. Alexa is her new best friend! Her computer recently packed up - which she uses to do all her shopping, amongst other things - and BIL was away on holiday. MIL organised herself a replacement and got most of it set up before he returned.

you chose to have children. Hopefully they will move away if that's your attitude, which I really wish I had done years ago. I thought about it...but I kept on, in my head, with the stupid thing of life expectancy being 70. It was when I were a lass.

the only trouble I've caused my parents is being ill.

no, I don't find any of this funny. If I live to survive it, I imagine I'll be singing certain songs on repeat just like when dad went. It was hard, because I had to spend most of the time, but then I'd run down the hill to the station, singing.

I don't mean any disrespect to the two musical greats we lost this week. It's a loss for us, for their loved ones. But how lucky for them not to grow old. They have immortality in the only good way - a legacy of work that brought joy to so many.

I lost friends in a terror attack in my 20s. That was a proper shock. It's one of the dividing lines of my life - you know, the horrors that split life into before and after.

these days I find myself thinking, is it so bad? Diana's brother said something at her funeral about thanking god for taking her at her best. I understand it now.

*It was hard, because I had to spend most of the time, but then I'd run down the hill to the station, singing.

that should say "most of the time with mum".

It’s mainly attention seeking. However it has the reverse effect. I think quite a lot of them have been retired for so long (or in the women’s case, never really worked at all) that they have no grasp of what modern life is like for women, and we don’t have time to ‘pop round’ to elderly relatives every other day.

I do find it less awful to have one than two, and very relieved dad didn't get this old.

I find it more awful to have one than two, as I have the loneliness and isolation to cope with as well as the physical ailments. Mine would be dead without a lifeline, so fortunately she was fine about having that but she won't get carers in so we have a constant round of crises that I am the only person able to deal with, and that has included through having surgery and chemotherapy for cancer myself whilst also still working. It's an effing nightmare. I am definitely going into some sort of sheltered housing if I make old age so my DD doesn't have to go through this. I'm convinced my cancer is partly because of the stress of having to look after my parents for the past few years. It's not like I've ever had a good relationship with them either and their relationship was terrible and they just fought all the time, though my mum keeps telling me how amazing it was now my dad is dead. I don't think my friends who are not in this position really understand, and they feel sorry for my DM when I talk about the effects on me.

Oh Sierra

I tend to keep quiet because few care about the effects on us, I know. Plus it's too depressing for others to hear.

do you mean your mum's isolation?

we told mum bluntly that she couldn't use us a therapist after dad died. She tried for about a year and then we said "no more". To be fair, she responds decently when she is told stuff like this. She is a lovely mum, I'd not be seen for dust if she wasn't. She does still talk to my sister about him but my sister is more able to tune it out. Also my sister is around less.

I am shocked that she wouldn't even get carers while you had cancer treatment?

I hope things improve for you

Why don't you read the actual research article instead of the newspaper clip of the research?

Yes, her isolation because she can't get out. When I was diagnosed, she said tell me what I can do to help. I'll do anything, so I said get carers and she said no! She is okay, coping day to day until something goes wrong, which is quite often. We've had four 999 calls and two hospital admissions in the last two months. She's forgetting everything too, she asked me yesterday if I'd had my hair cut, but I'm wearing the same wig that I have been doing for the past three months because of chemo! I don't know about independence, if it was me, I'd be incredibly anxious being alone in the house pretty much all the time with no one to keep an eye out for me.

Hoo boy this all sounds hauntingly familiar. Solidarity with PPs!

Wow. If my kids had turned out like you I'd have paid them to leave. Thankfully they have more respect for those who brought them up, supported them through childhood traumas big and small, and were there for them through good times and bad, and still are. If all your pants ever did for you was look after you when you were ill, and they did nothing else at all for you, then you must have had a miserable and very deprived childhood. In which case maybe you are entitled to your bad attitude. But I suspect you have a very selective memory and are just entitled.

What is she entitled to?

What a judgemental post, you clearly have no idea what it's like.

Having someone to look after you in old age is not a good reason to have children. Sury you want your children to live full, happy lives? That could mean moving away.

Or would you deliberately make their lives difficult and guilt trip them, just because you can?

I didn't say it was. I was responding to the misery guts who had neither a sense of humour nor any respect for other views. Not that it is anyone's business, but I know perfectly well how hard it is to care for elderly parents and especially when the siblings piss off because its not their thing. I know how hard the elderly can be. I also don't expect my children to look after me in my old age, although I suspect wild horses couldn't stop them.

But to say that your parents owe you because they had you is such an MN thing. They chose to have children, so they should do everything they can to get you started in life and supported, then they should babysit / childmind for free because, well you're entitled to it. Then when they are too old to manage, they should shuffle off the mortal coil before inconveniencing you, or even, shock horror, not leaving you a tidy sum of money and assets.

Hrmph. They can be as independent as they like if I don't have to deal with the consequences.

This x a million! PIL won’t listen to any advice but the second anything goes wrong they phone us and “don’t like to bother but could you……”. This now includes BIL whose had a stroke and now lives with them (despite us pleading with them not to do this) MIl is recovering from pancreatic cancer, FIL has Parkinson’s and they are trying to look after a 56 whose has many issues!
They’ve all been admitted to hospital for various issues and it’s always us who have to sort everyone else out. We told them last month we aren’t doing it any more. BIL needs to move into accommodation with care. PIL need to sell their 5 bed house and move somewhere more manageable.

We just can’t cope anymore with the consequences of their utter stupidity!

Quveas did you read all my posts or just the one?

Lizzie so sorry. Do they have carers at all?

My mum refused help telling everyone she wanted to be independent, no she didn't, she wanted her children doing everything for her.
She used to moan about loads of things, I would offer to help or sort out a solution, but she never accepted that. Eventually, when she was moaning about the same thing for the umpteenth time, I just asked what she wanted me to do about it. She never had an answer.

I’m riding the irony that mum is doing exactly what my grandma did 25 years ago, and boy did mum complain about it at the time. Zero self awareness about it though.

@EmmaAgain22 Thank you.
They've only had careers for short periods when they first get out of hospital. We have tried to persuade them to have career’s regularly and to pay privately, they can easily afford this. They won’t contemplate it.