Mother feeding cats- at a loss.

[speakout]

My elderly mother lives wih us- she totally dotes on our two family cats.
I have cleaned up four piles of cat vomit in the past 24 hours.
Both cats are on the heavy side, one in particular, but my mother just won't stop feeding them Dreamies.
They are fed adequate amounts at regular intervals, but my mother hides packets of cat treats in her bedroom, pockets, bags.
From the content of the vomit it looks like they are each eating more than a packet a day. They will over eat on these type of treats.
She gets a huge amout of pleasure from feeding the cats, and I am at a loss.
I have suggested that she takes over feeding them one meal a day, I have pinned a feeding schedule to the fridge door, so any of the family can feed at the appropriate time and tick off, she agrees, but then instantly ignores.
She also feeds then cheap processed ham- easily a packet each- which again I often see in vomit.
My mother claims to love the cats more than anyone, and tells me I am cruel.
I am concerned as my cats grow older and are so heavy.

This. The damage being done to the poor cats may be severe already if they're eating so much they are being sick.

That her own cats also died prematurely sounds quite sinister really.

Op I would talk to the vet maybe over the phone before you go and ask them to have a stern word about their diet. They're going to end up living short miserable lives in this situation, pinning them down is heartbreaking they don't deserve that and you need to put a stop to it, it's animal abuse and you'd get into trouble for it. I'd seriously think about mentioning rehoming too.
Rehoming your dm not the cats.

Thanks everyone- some interesting advice and perspectives.
I will tackle this tomorrow- my mother can be as upset as she chooses.

Sounds like the cats need to be saved from her OP. Sorry man.

pinning them down is heartbreaking they don't deserve that and you need to put a stop to it,

I agree- she did this to her children too.
My siter left home at 14 and set up home with her boyfriend!

Can you get her a couple of those fishing rod toys for cats? They are easy to use, the cats will enjoy them and she can interact with the cats without feeding them. Also maybe a laser pointer? Call it cat gym or exercise to counteract the treats.

Your dm sounds like mine in a lot of ways. Hard work and self centred, mine used to bring "treats" for my dog but it would be cheap nasty deli meat, full of god knows what and I went mad. It's hard work when they don't listen.

If we were talking about a sane / responsible adult who just enjoys feeding cats a bit too much, I‘d suggest the following:

• Swap dreamies and ham for something much healthier that the cats still enjoy. My cats are partly raw-fed and get things like raw chicken thigh meat mixed with a suitable BARF supplement. They love raw meat more than any junk treat, it‘s great fun feeding them single chunks and it‘s really good for them.

• Play with them instead of feeding / brushing / force-cuddling them. Get nice toys like Da Bird or start clicker training them. Even most older cats are still quite playful.

The hoarding dreamies, hiding ham in drawers and the extreme level of over-feeding sound very strange, though. Dementia or a personality disorder seem very possible and I‘d probably want advice from a professional on how to deal with your mothers behaviour.

Just a bit of sympathy. She sounds an absolute nightmare.

Sorry but I am in the 'rehome the cats' camp. They can't protect themselves from her. Tbh I wouldn't necessarily bother taking her to the vets, though it might make you feel like you'd tried everything.

I think the fact that you have needed to ask whether you are being cruel shows what an absolute number she has done on your perspectives. Many of us have been there in terms of elements of weird behaviour our parents did (and I'm aware of weird things I've done as a parent), but not to this extent. She will clearly blame you for everything rather than take any responsibility. If you rehome them she will tell her friends you got rid of them because she loved them.

I'd make the cats safe and have some therapy tbh. If she goes on living with you I think you need a steadying perspective.

I'm really sorry about the situation, the way she is treating the cats is very cruel. It's not a good situation for them, or for you.

My mother is narcissistic/most likely has NPD, and I am no contact with her now. It's impossible to 'reason' with a narcissistic person sadly, so just telling her what she's doing is making the cats sick won't likely change her behaviour. Before I stopped speaking to her, DM once dog-sat for me for 2 weeks, when I came home dog was visibly fatter. I asked what happened and she gleefully explained she'd been feeding him double the amount I told her to--honestly she seemed to revel in it. That was the last time I let her dog-sit. I hope you are able to make headway but honestly what pp said about rehoming your mum sounds best - it must be VERY very hard on you having her living with you, not just with the cats but with everything that comes with narcissistic parents. Honestly the mere thought of my narcissistic mother living with me makes my skin crawl.

Have you ever had any counselling? It might seem a very roundabout solution to the situation but they can help you come up with coping strategies to deal with her (including but not limited to the cats) and it's very helpful when you've grown up with a narcissistic parent. They can also help you decide if it's better for DM to go live somewhere else...

Sadly it's a case of rehoming your Mum or cats.

She won't change it's ingrained behaviour and she's thinks she's in the right.

Thanks- yes it feels like gaslighting.
Of course when my mother starts crying because of words I have said it does cause me confusion and self doubt.
Being brought up with such dysfunction can make it difficult to be objective.
I have been on a healing journey- including therapy recently and I feel strong emotionally and in a good place- which is why I feel the courage to change this situation.

My DP’s mother sounds exactly like yours, she lived with us for a short while and absolutely destroyed our cats’ and dog’s relationship with food. She’s also a vile narcissist and we have been NC for almost two glorious years.

Is your mother infirm and reliant on you for care? You don’t have to house her if you don’t want to, especially if she is making you this stressed and causing your pets to become unwell.

Can't you buy some healthy treats for her to feed the cats and feed them less at meal times.

May I suggest that you contact her doctor to see if an assessment can be made. If there are any medical issues then the specialists can pick them up. If healthy, then you need to have a conversation with your Mum explaining that they are your cats and that you need her to respect that. If she wants to interact with your cats she can use a wiggle toy or put a few treats (watch her) in a ball that the cat needs to bat around to get one out. It may be worth talking to Cat Protection for suggestions on interaction or the RSPCA, you don't have to give them your details. The main thing is to be firm and if your Mum starts to say that maybe she's a burden then say only when she interferes with the cats. Explain to her that it is unfair to the cats, and to yourself, to overfeed them so they vomit and get fat.

Why is she living with you? I'd probably rehome her over the poor cats.
I'd take her to the vets and get them to read her the riot act.
Same with the gp if needed

She is cruel to your cats and was to her own.

She was so awful to her children that your sister left home at 14. I can’t imagine she was nice to you.

So why the fuck is she living with you? Elderly or not, this is a form of self harm OP. I’d ramp up the therapy and get her out of your home.

Have to say I agree with this. Rehome your mother and keep the poor cats.

Your dsis had the right idea. Bet her state of mind is better than yours op.
Been nc with my dm for best part of 20 years.
Mh is outstanding!

My MH is fine thanks.
Not sure why people think I have a problem.
And as it happens my sister has very poor mental health.
My mother has been on the waiting list for sheltered housing, but the waiting list is very long.

That's unusual - sheltered housing lists aren't usually that long. Is she definitely on a list, or is that what she has told you?

Probably because you appear to have been FOGged into letting her live with you...

You have had some great suggestions, and the cats need protection from your mother . If she wont listen to the vet and she is still going to be living in your home with your cats then could you try one meal of dried normal cat food for the cats . You could put this into a bag and your mother could feed it to them throughout the day. I would also look the waiting list for sheltered housing for your mother as it maybe it isnt as long as she has told you .

She would get higher up the list if you threw her out

You need to rehome your mother. She will go higher up the list if you speak to the council and say you can no longer cope.
I’d tell her I’ll rehome the cats if she doesn’t stop feeding them.
Access her room and remove the treats.