Mother feeding cats- at a loss.

[speakout]

My elderly mother lives wih us- she totally dotes on our two family cats.
I have cleaned up four piles of cat vomit in the past 24 hours.
Both cats are on the heavy side, one in particular, but my mother just won't stop feeding them Dreamies.
They are fed adequate amounts at regular intervals, but my mother hides packets of cat treats in her bedroom, pockets, bags.
From the content of the vomit it looks like they are each eating more than a packet a day. They will over eat on these type of treats.
She gets a huge amout of pleasure from feeding the cats, and I am at a loss.
I have suggested that she takes over feeding them one meal a day, I have pinned a feeding schedule to the fridge door, so any of the family can feed at the appropriate time and tick off, she agrees, but then instantly ignores.
She also feeds then cheap processed ham- easily a packet each- which again I often see in vomit.
My mother claims to love the cats more than anyone, and tells me I am cruel.
I am concerned as my cats grow older and are so heavy.

But the cats would be happy and safe were it not for the mother's behaviour. I'd certainly make her clean up every vomit episode.

This is not normal behaviour. I'm not going to cry dementia as it's obviously down to you to help your mum have that investigated, but her behaviour is definitely not normal. Whether she's been like this "for years" or not.

Hiding food so she can feed your cats until they are sick is really worrying behaviour.

Please don't leave her alone with the cats, it is cruel to them. I'm sorry, I hope you can get it all worked out.

I'm sorry but it seems you are going to have to go down the "shock" route.

Tell her she is actively poisoning the cats . I think the dreamies packet says only 8 pieces a day so a full packet is horrendous. They will be overloaded with salt from the ham too. Basically its animal abuse and she needs to hear that from you loudly and clearly. If an adult tried to give a child excess salt and a bag of sugar everyday they would be in a police cell under formal caution. Tell her that, and ignore her tears.

Agree with pp. She cleans up all the cat vomit, and pays all vets bills.

It wouldn't be the dcats I would be throwing out...

Thanks- everyone is really helpful
I do point out the vomit and ignore until she cleans it up, but again it is with " I'm just a poor old woman being forced to clean floors-I may as well be dead"
And honestly I question whether I am being really cruel.
It feels like I am taking a toy away from a child.
This thread has helped me feel less like a villain in this situation.
But I am concerned for the animals welfare- cats are not toys.
And it is very unfair to overfeed them to the point of obesity and sickness.

If your mother had always been like this it's not dementia, it's narcissism.

You said she is like a 5 year old in some of her responses and uses guilt-tripping language like referring to herself as a burden.

It's narcissism.

If this isn't narcissistic personality disorder then your mother sure has a lot of narcissistic traits.

sounds like such a tough situation. I would be heartbroken to do this, but would seriously consider rehoming them if you aren’t able to stop her from making them unwell. It must be horrible for them to vomit so much.

Yes- it is narcissism- I have know this for some time.
She demonstrates those traits in many other areas. A covert narcissist, loves playing a victim.

I don't know whether your mother's behaviour is dementia, narcissism, or ignorance about animal welfare, but it is certainly not kind nor adult of her to do the "I'm just a poor old woman being forced to clean floors-I may as well be dead" behaviour. You are for sure not the villain in this situation. I am sad that you feel like that.

Would you consider rehoming the cats? The situation sounds very cruel to them, but rehoming them seems pretty bleak if they are your cats and not your mothers.

You could try talking to someone with experience of pet care specifically about this problem as you are unlikely to be the first to face it and there may be some strategies we have not thought of. Cats Protection, your vet, or an animal care charity might have more to say than you think about this sort of situation.

Rather than trying to tackle your mother, can you reduce what you feed the cats? Strikes me it's either that or get tough with your mother and stop pussyfooting around.

I recommend Josh Slocum's podcast on YouTube "Disaffected" if you don't already know about it. He grew up with a mother with Narcissistic personality disorder.

Bottom line: nothing you do will fix this. People mistake personality disorders for being like other mental illnesses such as anxiety or depression. They are not, they are fundamental disorders of personality. Your mother is elderly, there's no changing this situation. Whatever decisions you make on how you deal with it cannot involve any notions of changing her behaviour.

Feeding dreamies is like giving them McDonald’s it’s not fair on them poor things and giving them ham is cruel,cats should be given cat food, it must be torture for your cats being sick all the time from all this crap, poor things, she actuallly sounds as though she could have dementia, my dad had it although he didn’t do this, I just missed one of your posts till now and saw that she forces your cats down so they can’t resist to get away , I think your mum needs medical attention op I mean it in the nicest possible way! shes not well!

Make her clear up the vomit.

Is there more to your mum’s behaviour/your relationship with her OP? Why does she live with you? She sounds more like a small child than a grown woman, and she seems to get away with it a lot. How do you respond to her when she says things like she may as well be dead?

Hmm. Why is she living with you? Are there any other options eg a care home or sheltered housing? Are you happy she lives with you? What would you like to happen?

Thanks, I think a may take the heaviest cat to the vets for a check- and I will take my mother. She may take the vet more seriously than me.
The feeding this is hard.
The cats will cry at her bedroom door for treats when she is napping- this really annoys her, but she has trained them, she gets cross at me if they wake her up.She has had 6 or 7 D& V episodes in the past two years- her bedroom is filled with dreamies crumbs, she keeps dreamies in her pockets, loose in her handbag, under her pillow. I can't be certain, but I don't think dreamies are the most sanitary of items, fine for cats, but probable not sterile. It concerns me that my mother is becoming ill because she is keeping treats and cooked meat in her room.
I have heard her tell friends " My daughter is so strict and mean- I am not even allowed to give the cats a treat"

So your dm gets care in her dotage? Is that best for your mh op? You count too you know!

If it's dementia, talking to your mother is unlikely to change anything.
If it's sheer pig headedness, you are going to have to be blunt. This behaviour will shorten their lives. Either through obesity or kidney failure from processed meat in excess. It's not kind, it's cruel.
If your mum cannot be reasonable I would ban her from feeding the cats and actively prevent her from interacting with them. Your cats need your help here.

And honestly I question whether I am being really cruel.

Do you really? As you watch your cats being overfed ham and throw up all over your floor multiple tunes?

Yes you ARE being cruel. Not to your mother.

What really worries me is the packets of ham, which will have far too much salt in them for cats, and will be detrimental to their health.

She needs to hear all this direct from the vet's mouth really.

I am trying to find a solution to the problem- I am not ignoring it- which is why I posted here.

Can you pre-empt the vet, being as honest as you are able to be? The hoarding of dreamies is pretty gross, you should not have to live with that in your home really.

I think I would be very blunt and say ‘if you can’t stop feeding the cats like this we’ll need to rehome them because it just isn’t fair to be making them sick and causing them pain constantly.’

If she starts with guilt tripping or complaining I’d just repeat that you can’t have pets being made ill in your home.

I know its tricky with cats but is there any way to seperate your part of the house from your mothers? Can an extra door be put in the hallway or something with the cats restricted to part of the house? Or downstairs only?

If the cats were not longer allowed upstairs/near your mums room then you might not eliminate the problem completely but you would certainly reduce it as you're more likely to see her do it and be able to step in if you're downstairs.

Ultimately a few extra treats or some ham from her handbag are unlikely to make them sick, its the sheer volume which is causing the probkem.

I would also recommned dementia screening for your mum. Its hard to see "if that's the way she has always been" but I do think that there is an understanding gap here which is unusual with a healthy adult.