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Elderly parents
Original poster

DM died suicide

92 replies

ShakerMakerGirl · 08/12/2022 19:44

I found my Mother on Tuesday and she had taken her own life. It was a very surreal day spent with the police and she is still with the coroner and I presume needs a PM.

But I feel so calm and a strange sense of relief that she is no longer suffering so much as she had horrific illnesses that had taken so much from her.

Has anyone experienced this situation, all the suicide threads seem to be people who were depressed rather than suffering from a progressive illness. I feel so odd. I love her so so much, she was a massive part of my life, so why am I like this?! Just feels like an odd response x

OP posts:
GreenTeaPingPong · 08/12/2022 19:47

Bless you, your feelings are just your feelings, and can't be 'wrong'. I'm sorry for your loss but completely understand relief at the end of suffering for your DM. 💐

Threadkillacilla · 08/12/2022 19:48

I'm so sorry Flowers
Noexperience but just wanted to say, you must be in shock.

urrrgh46 · 08/12/2022 19:49

Totally understandable - my sister took her own life aged 38 after at least 15 yrs of an extremely horrible psychiatric disease that totally robbed her of any quality of life and often meant she was hospitalised, where she was subject to pretty terrible care. Whilst I would have loved for her to have been able to live with her condition in reality it would never have happened and the cycle would have continued. It's terribly sad she's not with us but actually for her she did the right thing. I'm really sorry for your Mum and you! Take care x

Todaynotalways · 08/12/2022 19:49

I'm sorry f6oe your loss.

It's not the same, but it is similar, I have a friend (age 45) who is terminally ill. I know that when the time is 'right' she will 'self euthanise'. She has said so, I have asked if she wants me to try to talk her out of it, she has said no.

She is a proud woman, independent, and she knows she has little time and no control, her choosing her own exit is a comfort to her, and to some extent to me, too.

I hope you can find some comfort.

Hotcuppatea · 08/12/2022 19:50

My condolences OP. I hope your mum rests in peace now her suffering is over.

Suicide is one of the most complex bereavements to come to terms with and its common to feel some guilt and shame, even when we haven't done anything wrong. This might come as a delayed reaction (you're probably still in shock to be fair) or it may not come at all. A friend's mum took her own life after a lifetime of severe depression and he was relieved for her too.

Take good care of yourself and lean on friends and family if you need to anf you can 💐

ChardonnaysBeastlyCat · 08/12/2022 19:52

No response is odd in circumstances like this. Anything you feel is normal.

She chose her own path. You have to remember that.

PhoebeFriends · 08/12/2022 19:53

💐I am sorry for your loss, your feelings are understandable x

ICanHideButICantRun · 08/12/2022 19:56

I am so sorry you lost her and so sorry she was so ill. She's at peace now. Flowers

SauvignonGrower · 08/12/2022 19:56

My father accelerated his own death by refusing food and treatment. It has been hard for some family members to deal with the idea he'd rather die quickly than carry on with such a poor quality of life. I have to keep telling myself that he did exactly what I hope I would do in his situation.

It does get easier. One day you'll realise that you haven't thought about her for hours. Look after yourself. Grief is a complicated process. Flowers

Mum5net · 08/12/2022 19:57

I am so sorry @ShakerMakerGirl.
i remember your post from last week.
Your DM is at peace, she obviously wanted to spare you in particular the next stages of her illness. She also singled you out from your siblings. I would imagine you were such a massive part of her life.
It must be such a shock Flowers

NotToBeShaked · 08/12/2022 19:57

Sorry for your loss OP.

My mum died in her early 70's and had dementia. I'm glad she died, it was awful for her and I know she wouldn't have wanted to live like that.

Yes, I loved her, yes I miss her but I don't morn her death.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/12/2022 19:57

I'm sorry OP.

You are likely to be in shock still, so your feelings over this are likely to change. But your feelings now, your feelings then are all perfectly acceptable.

Would it help for you to be able to talk to someone in real life? Services like Samaritans are accessible to you if you need to

Original poster
ShakerMakerGirl · 08/12/2022 19:58

Thank you.

We were so close it just seems odd I haven't even shed a tear since the initial shock of finding her. I am managing everything though and informing people.

She was an amazing woman and so strong and determined to 'self euthanise' (I like that better thanks) and go out on her own terms.

I obviously can't share any details but her doctor told me today luckily she had taken a particular mediation she had that would have taken her very quickly, making her fall asleep and her heart to stop. So there is also the relief she didn't suffer.

She pre warned me, I made a thread at the weekend on here, and my biggest fear was that she would make things worse for herself and then take her options away I suppose.

Thanks for replying I feel I am just venting this in an anonymous place and that helps thank you x

OP posts:
GrumpyOldBastard · 08/12/2022 19:58

My father died recently. It wasn’t suicide but he had a terminal illness and was in a lot of pain. He has a very sudden death and I feel very relieved. I’m sad he’s dead, of course, but he was dying anyway and missing the last few miserable months was a blessing.

PoinsettiaPosturing · 08/12/2022 19:59

I'm sorry for your loss OP, it sounds like your mum was poorly already and this was her choice?

My DDad has always said that if he gets diagnosed with dementia or similar he'll end his life - he hates the idea of fading over years and losing his dignity. I'd fully support his choice in this too but I understand living it might feel very different.

Abra1t · 08/12/2022 20:02

I’m so sorry 💐.

Your feelings are your feelings now and they aren’t right or wrong.

They may change or they may not but however you feel now is how you need to feel, even if it’s numb.

RandomMess · 08/12/2022 20:05
Flowers

I'm glad you had an amazing Mum, I'm sorry that you didn't have longer with her being healthy and able to enjoy life.

JoonT · 08/12/2022 20:07

I really am very sorry OP. It must have been a dreadful experience. No doubt you feel so little because you are in shock.

Personally, I think your mother was very brave. I hope I have the courage to end things when I’m old and ill. Perhaps she didn’t want you to see her suffer.

Mariposista · 08/12/2022 20:07

Please please be kind to yourself. There is no right or wrong way to process this. Your poor mum, she must have felt like she had no other options (sounds like she had been very poorly for a while).
Seek counseling if you need it and surround yourself with friends and family. All the best.

Georgeskitchen · 08/12/2022 20:12

So sorry to hear this news. I watched mums decline from dementia, at the end she barely knew who she was, let alone her nearest and dearest. She had heart problems which took her, peacefully in the night.
I cried for her but some of those tears were of relief that she is now at peace.
I understand your feelings.
Nobody wants to see a loved one in pain xxx

Millana · 08/12/2022 20:13

I'm sorry for your loss.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Just accept how you are feeling at that moment. X

Andsoforth · 08/12/2022 20:16

I’m sorry for your loss. Grief is such a strange thing; no matter how prepared and accepting we are, it knocks us sideways.

I’ve just recently lost a beloved dp to a long, slow, humiliating decline and I don’t think I’ll ever recover from watching their suffering. I think we are a deeply inhumane and barbaric culture. It’s a good thing that your dm didn’t suffer.

But the loss of a dp is so profound in any circumstances.

Redglitter · 08/12/2022 20:21

So sorry for your loss

My Dad died suddenly & unexpectedly & I felt as if my emotion had been switched off. I went into automatic pilot & made all the phone call & dealt with the constant stream of visitors to my Mums. It was purely a coping mechanism & after the funeral I really started grieving.

Your feelings are totally natural & the grief will come. Just be kind to yourself before & when it does

Galarunner · 08/12/2022 20:26

Our neighbour took his own life, he was a retired doctor. He had a very serious health condition and knew the path ahead was going to be grim. His decision was brave and rational.

Fuuuuuckit · 08/12/2022 20:27

Oh love, I'm so sorry.

Please be kind to yourself. How you're feeling really is OK - there's no brownie points for grieving the 'right' way.

And be prepared for if/when it really does hit you. My mum died very suddenly in February and I felt awful for not being the quivering wreck I thought I should be. But the tiniest thing could set me off months afterwards.

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