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Elderly parents
Original poster

DM died suicide

92 replies

ShakerMakerGirl · 08/12/2022 19:44

I found my Mother on Tuesday and she had taken her own life. It was a very surreal day spent with the police and she is still with the coroner and I presume needs a PM.

But I feel so calm and a strange sense of relief that she is no longer suffering so much as she had horrific illnesses that had taken so much from her.

Has anyone experienced this situation, all the suicide threads seem to be people who were depressed rather than suffering from a progressive illness. I feel so odd. I love her so so much, she was a massive part of my life, so why am I like this?! Just feels like an odd response x

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 08/12/2022 21:34

I am so very sorry OP.
I think you may feel different in a few weeks, I found about a month after my Dad’s sudden death, everything hit me and the first year was a fog of grief really.
But as pps say, there is no right or wrong way to feel. You will feel differently at different times, years in the future you might feel fine and then a small thing may make missing her seem raw and overwhelming. There isn’t an end point as such, you just gradually adjust but you always miss your Mum or Dad, and sometimes that really hurts and sometimes it just is what it is.
Look after yourself now. Eat well, sleep , get outside. Organising a funeral is hard, but you keep going because you have to.
I am so sorry that your Mum, who sounds lovely, had such a rough time of it.

Wetblanket78 · 08/12/2022 21:35

So sorry for your loss.😢

It's strange but I felt the same when my auntie died. She had pancreatic cancer and watched her battle through it twice. But we knew it was coming so were prepared for it. It's not nice seeing someone close to you in such pain. 😢

XingMing · 08/12/2022 21:37

We lost DMIL a month ago. She was 93, and did not want to soldier on any longer, doubly incontinent and with dementia. I spent a lot of time with her in her last months, and she had had enough. I think we need to remember how to let people go.

hellycat · 08/12/2022 21:38

I think it is perfectly common and normal to feel relief or a sense of deliverance when someone who is desperately ill dies. Whether it is cancer, cirrhosis (my uncle died of that and his last few months were agony), dementia. You are in no way odd nor is your reaction inappropriate.

Very sorry for your loss and the shock you must have had.

Riverlee · 08/12/2022 21:39

Sorry for your loss

ilovesushi · 08/12/2022 21:41

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like she was able to go on her own terms.

OldFan · 08/12/2022 21:44

So sorry for your loss @ShakerMakerGirl :(

Zone2NorthLondon · 08/12/2022 21:46

Gosh,hope that you are ok. SOBS charity that support people impacted by suicide
Bereavement support
Do go see your gp if you need support

DaughterOfPsychiatrist · 08/12/2022 21:46
Flowers

It sounds like your mum was very thoughtful and empathetic person and that she has passed those traits to you.

Perhaps that is the calmness? You know and understand her and have not been left with the puzzling doubts that this sort of ending can bring?

My dad made a similar decision last year. He was almost 80 and suffered a spinal injury in a car crash. On admittance to hospital (very dramatic helicopter flight!) they discovered he had advanced prostate cancer.

He was a retired doctor, mind still very sharp and not at all happy at the thought of living with paralysis.
After two weeks of staring at the ward ceiling he made the decision to have all active medical care withdrawn and died 36 hours later.
I’m still a bit annoyed that it was so difficult to visit in those last weeks (Covid rules meant I only got to see him once) but I am comforted knowing that he was in very sound mind and that he was glad to have the final say in how his life ended.
He rather enjoyed the morphine, tbh.

Love to you and the memory of your wonderful mum ❤️

Greyphoto · 08/12/2022 21:47

I think the strangest thing in these situations is the mix of emotions which is probably why OP you haven’t shed a tear. It’s still a shock and you’re sad but it’s the odd feeling of relief that they aren’t in pain or going to get progressively worse with their illness they aren’t in fear anymore. It was their choice and them choosing their own way to go rather than the illness take them. I was always angry they had the illness rather than any anger towards them.

If I was in my aunts shoes I would choose the same thing.

oakleaffy · 08/12/2022 21:48

ShakerMakerGirl · 08/12/2022 20:29

Thank you.

She had been ill since I was 11 and I am now 37.

She shared in her note that it was her choice to end her suffering but she also wanted me to enjoy my life and my children and never have to worry about her care needs again. She said she wanted to release herself of the pain but also of me from this burden. I've told her before I didn't feel like that, it was hard but I would do it again for her in a heart beat.
She said it might hurt now but it would also hurt to see her ever increasing decline that would still have lead to her death. She was dealt a really shit hand in life she never moaned she was so stoic and always put everyone else above herself. She was my hero.
She even left me a large sum of money thats apparently for grief therapy! She was so thoughtful. I loved her so much.

Thanks for sharing your stories, I think people are finding it hard to relate to my situation in real life, especially as my friends parents are all so young and healthy. My poor mum was only 62.

Thanks for letting my share x

Your Mum does sound like the most amazing, Thoughtful person.

Self Euthanise is exactly what I'd call it.

If ever I get {Dementia} I will hopefully have the courage to do the same.

I don't know what condition/illness your Mum had, but she sounds a deeply thoughtful and caring person, who wanted to spare you both anguish in the future.

Your post from a few days ago , I remember...
How you slept in her bed for comfort.

That is deeply poignant.

What a lovely Mum.. You sound like a great Daughter, too.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/12/2022 21:50

It's the absolute cruelest thing that we can't be with people when they make that decision. It doesn't make any sense on any kind of humane level. I know I will do what your mum did if I was ever in that situation. She is incredibly brave and you should be so proud of her. 💐💕💐

Notsandwiches · 08/12/2022 21:52

My mum died recently. Not by suicide but near the end stages of a dreadful illness. I absolutely understand your feelings. I see her death as her liberty. Take care.

amonsteronthehill · 08/12/2022 21:53

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you have some support IRL as the reality of her being gone hits. xx

oakleaffy · 08/12/2022 21:55

@ShakerMakerGirl When our Dad died {of a brief~ish illness} it was a huge relief in a way that he was freed from the constraints of his body, and was ''Free''.
I had the sensation of him being light as air.

It doesn't make any sense, but that it how I felt, too..Glad he was no longer suffering the indignities of the illness.

Yesterday was the anniversary of my Mum {Bio mum's} death.. 7th December.. I never really knew her as she died while I was just a toddler, but I have fleeting memories... and heard as an older person from her friends that she too was a wonderful person. {Illness}

NameChange1718 · 08/12/2022 21:56

So sorry for your loss

Shitfather · 08/12/2022 21:57
Flowers
JeanMarie · 08/12/2022 21:58

So sorry for your loss. Your mum sounds an incredibly brave, loving mother....and you a very compassionate , loving daughter. I wish you peace.❤

Namechangedforthisanswer · 08/12/2022 22:01

One of my grandparents died in this way and my parent (who found them) had a very similar reaction to you. An overwhelming feeling of relief. He had a progressive illness. I don't want to give too many details as they will out me, and it's not my story to tell.

You are not alone here.There is no "proper" way to grieve. Go with it, and let yourself feel it. It may floor you later, it may not.

Be kind to yourself- this is both an ending, but also a beginning.

Original poster
ShakerMakerGirl · 08/12/2022 22:05

Thank you all for your kind comments. She really was amazing. To continue my unusual way of grieving I am very 'excited' to write her eulogy and tell the world how wonderful she was, how proud I am of her and how much she was loved x

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TiaraBoo · 08/12/2022 22:12

She sounds like a very strong lady and clear with her decisions.
Sorry for your loss. I know when my dad died, I was pleased he was no longer in pain yet devastated he was gone. 💐

dubyalass · 08/12/2022 22:13

I’m so sorry for your loss but I totally get how you are feeling. My mum died following a long illness four years ago and I felt relief for her as well as feeling devastated. I remember her saying she’d had enough but selfishly (and understandably I’m sure) I wanted her around for as long as possible.

I didn’t cry very much after she died, and still haven’t. But equally I think I did a lot of grieving while she was still around. I can remember pulling over on the A36 on the way back from Southampton hospital and howling because each time I didn’t know if I’d see her again.

As others have said, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve and you are likely in shock. Just put one foot in front of the other and plod through it. Sending love. X

StickChildNumberTwo · 08/12/2022 22:14

I'm so sorry. I hope there's comfort in knowing she went on her own terms.

As for grief, it's entirely individual, there's no right or wrong way to do it. I love that you're excited to share her life story with others in the eulogy - that's a beautiful thing to do. I've taken many funerals over the years and my advice would be if you're going to read the eulogy to write it down, and have someone there primed to take over if you find you can't get the words out on the day. Knowing there's that option tends to mean you don't need it, but it's absolutely OK if you do.

Be kind to yourself, and let others look after you when you need it. You don't have to shoulder it all alone.

dubyalass · 08/12/2022 22:15

I really enjoyed writing the eulogy too. It brought me a lot of comfort.

Original poster
ShakerMakerGirl · 08/12/2022 22:21

Thank you. My husband is wonderful and supporting me thank you. Although he seems much more upset than me. He is upset for our children as they are so young he is worried they will forget her, but we won't let them. He was with me when we found her and he was amazing how he dealt with everything. I think she choose the day knowing he would be off to support me and the children would be at nursery/school. She genuinely thought of everything. She has got all her affairs in order and planned and paid for her funeral x

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