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Elderly parents

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Original poster

DM died suicide

92 replies

ShakerMakerGirl · 08/12/2022 19:44

I found my Mother on Tuesday and she had taken her own life. It was a very surreal day spent with the police and she is still with the coroner and I presume needs a PM.

But I feel so calm and a strange sense of relief that she is no longer suffering so much as she had horrific illnesses that had taken so much from her.

Has anyone experienced this situation, all the suicide threads seem to be people who were depressed rather than suffering from a progressive illness. I feel so odd. I love her so so much, she was a massive part of my life, so why am I like this?! Just feels like an odd response x

OP posts:

ShowerOfShite · 08/12/2022 22:37

You and your mother both sound like wonderful women OP.
My mother died two years ago, she welcomed it after a tough life with a lot of illness. Although I wasn't ready for her to die, I'm grateful she got what she wanted and I don't miss her because I know dying brought her a peace she never had.
Take care x

Prinnny · 08/12/2022 22:38

Wow your mum sounds amazing, so insightful and caring. Love and prayers to you and yours.

Fernticket · 08/12/2022 22:40

💐💐💐💐🙏🙏🙏

RobertaFirmino · 08/12/2022 22:49

I remember an old colleague of mine. He was the picture of health, went to the gym daily, he was fantastic at his job, well liked and very handsome too. He had everything going for him. Then, he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and went rapidly downhill. It robbed him of everything and he made the decision that he would depart on his own terms.

He did not die a hideous painful death in an unfamiliar bed. He kept his dignity and died quickly and peacefully, on a big fluffy cloud of morphine. It was like his final act of control. Like he was saying 'Fuck you cancer, I'll go the way I want to'.

Of course he was mourned and sadly missed at work. There was definite comfort in the fact he did not suffer in death though. Everybody deserves the best departure they can possibly have and I feel as though this is what your dear mum wanted and also had. She sounds like a fantastic mum, you were very lucky to have her ❤

Sugargliderwombat · 08/12/2022 22:50

Your mum sounds wonderful OP, thinking of you all so much even at the end when she was faced with something so difficult. Such a brave person. I too hope this can be legalised so that people can be there with their loved ones ❤️

Wife2b · 08/12/2022 22:51

I’m sorry for your loss OP. It’s a terrible shock, your emotions will be all over the place but be kind to yourself and heal in your own time.

My DM took her own life 3 years ago, she suffered from poor mental health, substance misuse and several toxic relationships. She had a traumatic life and was probably with us longer than she ever wanted to be. After she passed I felt all sorts, sadness, guilt for having not done more, anger and felt she was selfish. In time I have come to terms with the loss and can think about her without crying, sometimes it can hit out of no where and I’ll feel a lump in my throat. But I always think, as heartbreaking as it is, she made a choice that was her decision and the only way forward is to respect that and focus on living my own life. Take care OP, healing takes time x

CactusOrange · 08/12/2022 22:51

I'm sorry for your loss OP. You sound lovely.
I don't know if it helps or not but I have MS and TN, and can understand what may have led your mum to this. We don't want to burden our children and the loss of control of our lives is a constant worry. Plus I can't describe the pain of TN, it is truly hideous and led me to contemplate suicide myself at one stage.
Your mum sounds like a remarkable woman and a brave and compassionate one.
Your feelings will change over time but please do understand that anything you feel right now is normal and likely to change every day.
Sending you love.

billy1966 · 08/12/2022 22:56

Galarunner · 08/12/2022 20:26

Our neighbour took his own life, he was a retired doctor. He had a very serious health condition and knew the path ahead was going to be grim. His decision was brave and rational.

A doctor friend told me that medics are notorious for avoiding a lot of the procedures and life extending therapies like chemo and radiation that patientsare routinely offered.

They are often very focused on quality of time rather than quantity because they see so much suffering.

My condolences OP.
What a wonderful woman your mother was.

I think your reaction is very muchbto be expected.

You have known this day was coming for a long time, you will miss her terribly but she is finally pain free.

Mind yourself.

Berlinlover · 08/12/2022 23:03

My brother took his own life aged 29. He had suffered with mental health issues since he was 12 and the reality was things were never going to improve for him. My parents are dead and he was my only sibling but I believe he made the right choice.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 08/12/2022 23:09

Sending you much love @ShakerMakerGirl , I remember your thread from last week.

Your sense of calm rings true. You had spoken to your dm, she had thought things through and obviously made her decision and planned things to cause you the least distress possible. She sounds absolutely wonderful. She is now free from pain and fear and it sounds like you will write a fabulous eulogy.

Having lost a parent this year I can reassure you that there is no right or wrong way to feel. Grief is odd and very unpredictable. Take things slowly xx

carmenitapink · 08/12/2022 23:29

So sorry for your loss 💕

pompomdaisy · 09/12/2022 00:30

I'm a survivor of double suicide. I would say that's the reason my father decided to take his life. He lived with phantom limb pain for years. However I've also come to understand that no one can do this unless there is a large degree of depression so you cannot simply separate them. People never want to imagine that their loved one felt that desperate. I'm sorry for your loss 💐

coffeepleeease · 09/12/2022 10:06

I am so sorry for your loss. No response is "wrong". I don't think it's that strange to be relieved that your mum is no longer suffering x

Scramblinghealingdreaming · 09/12/2022 11:43

I am so so sorry for your loss and for any
Suffering your mum had during her life.

She sounds like an incredible lady who clearly raised an incredible child and that you were both able to communicate well.

You take care of yourself.

Mum5net · 11/12/2022 16:58

@ShakerMakerGirl How are you doing, now? Hoping you've been able to rest a little and take things slowly. Good to get to bed extra early and just step away from normal tasks.

Original poster

ShakerMakerGirl · 11/12/2022 17:34

@Mum5net I've had a very moments but still feeling quite strong. I have a 5 and 1 year old though so I am just trying to power through it for their sake. I've got a few days on my own this week though as my husband back at work and children will be at nursery/school! I think that's when it'll really hit me. It's as if it's not real, mind just hasn't accepted it. Thank you for thinking of me x

OP posts:

Mum5net · 26/12/2022 14:41

Hi @ShakerMakerGirl , Hope you got through the day with your little ones. xx

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