DM died suicide

[ShakerMakerGirl]

I found my Mother on Tuesday and she had taken her own life. It was a very surreal day spent with the police and she is still with the coroner and I presume needs a PM.

But I feel so calm and a strange sense of relief that she is no longer suffering so much as she had horrific illnesses that had taken so much from her.

Has anyone experienced this situation, all the suicide threads seem to be people who were depressed rather than suffering from a progressive illness. I feel so odd. I love her so so much, she was a massive part of my life, so why am I like this?! Just feels like an odd response x

Thank you.

She had been ill since I was 11 and I am now 37.

She shared in her note that it was her choice to end her suffering but she also wanted me to enjoy my life and my children and never have to worry about her care needs again. She said she wanted to release herself of the pain but also of me from this burden. I've told her before I didn't feel like that, it was hard but I would do it again for her in a heart beat.
She said it might hurt now but it would also hurt to see her ever increasing decline that would still have lead to her death. She was dealt a really shit hand in life she never moaned she was so stoic and always put everyone else above herself. She was my hero.
She even left me a large sum of money thats apparently for grief therapy! She was so thoughtful. I loved her so much.

Thanks for sharing your stories, I think people are finding it hard to relate to my situation in real life, especially as my friends parents are all so young and healthy. My poor mum was only 62.

Thanks for letting my share x

Sorry to hear this OP

I hope I have the courage to do the same as your Mum in the future if my health fails.

Look after yourself in the coming days..weeks…months.

You were loved

XX

I saw your other thread OP

I feel for you. Your mother's suffering is over. My father would not go gentle into that good night. I suffered greatly as a result, maybe so did he. I was also relieved by the end of his suffering. It is completely understandable if you are as well.

control is so important in life, but perhaps more so than ever at the end.

big hugs.

Thank you. I will certainly be adding my Mums story to the dying in dignity inquiry. Euthanasia needs to be legalised.
She was lucky that she didn't appear to suffer at the end but she didnt think she would necessarily go like that as she had put towels around her and if this was legalised I could have held her hand and said goodbye and told her how much I loved her.
I think people are right to say it will hit me after the funeral. I have gone into my controlling crisis management mode to deal with everything and perhaps it will sink in will I finally relax and sit with my thoughts x

My mother died a 'natural' death (Covid) under obviously different circumstances. She had severe dementia, knew no one and nothing, was just a 'shell'. When she died I felt sorrow, but also overriding relief that she was now in a better place. There was also (I admit it) a bit of relief at the knowledge that I would no longer visit and sit holding the hand of someone who didn't know me, who didn't even know I was there. After all the formalities were over I never really had that 'breakdown' that everyone assured me was coming. I had some tears, mostly at my wonderful memories.

You loved your mum. But listen, your mum was suffering and you hated that. And she is now beyond her suffering and you are relieved about that. So accept whatever emotion comes. And if you end up not having that wave of emotion, that's OK too.

Wishing you peace.

Big hug to you - I think you sound like a very understanding and compassionate person and that is part of what is happening here. You are likely to have lots of unexpected feelings during the next year or two - and they are all ok. Take care of yourself.

My mother died at 52 falling down the stairs, very heartbreaking, but she suffered so much for at least 13 years with pick’s disease, we know now, but wasn’t known of then. Couldn’t do anything for anyone, slept all day. No quality of life at all. She kept saying to me that she wanted to die. For her I think it was a relief.

You feel calm because you know she’s at peace, she did exactly what she wanted in her own terms . Condolences and may she rest in peace .

So sorry for your loss. You need to know though, that Grief is a complicated process and it isn't linear. Everyone reacts differently and although there are many different 'stages' of grief and they may all occur at different times or even together - and each stage may come and go. So your feelings are entirely OK because they are yours. No rights or wrongs at all

My Mother (93) fell and subsequently died in the Summer while we were away on holiday and my first immediate reactions were Utter Relief and also Guilt that I felt relieved that her suffering was over. I was sad too and it was strange to feel all of those things at the same time. If she had recovered there was no way she would have had any quality of life, nor have been able to go home. Like you ( and like my Mother always said that she did in these situations when she was younger) I went into crisis management mode to deal with everything that needed to be done too.

You are in shock and I'm sure that your loss will hit you harder once the practical things which need doing have been done. That was my experience and I did shed some tears, too of course, later There are still things which catch me out 4 months later unawares: small things which remind me of her and I tear up but not that many - because for me at the moment, there is still a huge relief for her

Take Care

@ShakerMakerGirl I felt this way about my Mum for a long time. The grief came much later, which seems to be quite common. My Mum had a rotten end although she did not take her own life and I was angry about how it went. That got in the way of the grief, too. Everyone is different and there is nothing wrong with having those feelings of relief for her being at peace. Best wishes.

The tears will come, just give it time. Sorry for your loss 💐.

@ShakerMakerGirl first of all I'm so sorry for your loss. Secondly, (ah what to say that gets my view over, but is still kind?). Let me try this. I'm in my 70s, I have no terminal illnesses, but I'm frail. My beloved daughter says the same as you, you are no burden, I love you. but, life can be a burden, not only to those who are suffering, but to those we love. I am strongly in favour of euthanasia by choice. If I knew, for sure, that I could choose to die when I choose, then I'd stick around for a while.

as it is, I have to make the decision soon , while I still have agency.

I am so sorry to hear about your mum. My mum also ended her life, she was 61. She had MH problems and attempted 8 times before. I was completely numb when it happened and was on autopilot .8 weeks later it hit me and I couldn’t function. 6 bereavement therapy sessions arranged through work helped me.

Give yourself time, reach out to others in similar situations (SOBs is a really good charity and have local groups as well) Your mom sounds like she was a beautiful and caring person- what she wrote made me tear up.

I did not get a letter and I don’t feel I had any closure which the therapy helped with. Losing a parent is so difficult, no matter what the circumstances.

💐

I am so sorry. A friend had this scenario and it took a while for the grief to come in. And the anger, the guilt. She had grief councelling and it helped her coming to terms with her mother's decision and a state of peace of mind.

Keep an open mind if you think you may need help, even a couple of session to vent can be liberating.

It's a difficult time ahead for you but I hope you have support.

I am so very sorry OP. Be kind to yourself.

I have watched people die slowly and painfully and other relatives have gone quickly and peacefully. We should allow humans the same relief we allow animals. I am sorry for your loss but I also hope to choose my own time to leave and not suffer.

As she had seen a doctor recently there may not need to be a PM. Her death will have been reported to the coroner who will decide whether to request that. This will tell you the process. www.coronersociety.org.uk/_img/pics/pdf_1503323567.pdf

I'm so sorry you're going through this. After my DF passed my main emotion was relief for him, he hated alzheimer's and had repeatedly said he wanted to go. I still miss him of course, but I was a lot more emotionally unprepared when my DM passed suddenly. Take care of yourself 🌹

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

My Dad is terminally ill, and his disease progression is cruel, slow and relentless. Honestly, I only wish he had the choice that your Mum had. She chose her ending, when and how it happened.

Be kind to yourself, grief will hit when you least expect it

I'm so sorry about your Mum. Grief is complex and very hard to navigate. My Mum died aged 59 of cancer after a 9 month fight - I was distraught even though I knew it was coming. My Dad died 13 years later of a very sudden heart attack - my grief was very different - I didn't cry for days. There is no 'text book' grief. Nobody should be forced to feel something they don't - but when and if you do, that's okay too. We think that society makes us feel we should be wailing and mourning them deeply. We do, but it's individual and personal - it might come later, it might not. You can't force feelings. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Wishing you all the very best ⚘

Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. I would say please don’t criticise yourself for your feelings. DH aunt (who we were very close with, helped with her care etc) had been ill for a while and passed away during one of the lockdowns. I remember MIL phoning me and we both just said thank god, thank god. Looking back I should have felt awful but it was like torture watching her die a slow and painful death and lose her facilities and become like a shell of herself. It was like we’d already grieved her in a way, and now it was a relief from the worry and hurt of seeing her in constant pain.

Maybe as well (not sure if this is insensitive) you could use some of that money your mother has thoughtfully left in a way that you feel helps. DH aunt left me a necklace and bracelet that I don’t wear but just keep and one day I will give my two girls who adored her one each. Maybe you could buy something special to remember her. Or even donate a small amount to a charity that had helped or supported her.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I believe your mother was able to make that choice and to leave life on her own terms while she was still capable .
I faced a life threatening illness a few years ago and it's surprising how you can come to terms with death. I thought a lot about having an exit strategy. Fortunately I came through but it's always in my mind for the future.

I'm glad she was able to talk to you about it.

I found a family member and was a bit bothered that there was a moment of relief in there at first. Relief that their suffering was over. It was short lived though.

I also didn't have much emotion around it. I was completely numb. I know now that was because I was in shock. The PTSD came not long after and persists today.

I'm just posting because it seemed you wanted some feedback on how your feelings from others who had similar experiences. I'd be happy to chat more privately if you want.

It is not an odd response. You are feeling peace. Different emotions may come later. May your mum rest in peace.

I’m sorry for your loss 💔