Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Ok @Badger1970 plenty of room here! Sorry to hear what you’re going through.
Not caught up fully, apologies, have just had a lovely break away including a night at an incredibly lovely hotel as a special anniversary/ end of cancer treatment treat….. only to be disturbed in the luxurious lounge by a call from the continence nurse about dm……
gotta laugh.
cockroach all.

@thesandwich Congratulations on making it through your cancer treatment. DH has just finished his, too. His response is to crack on catching up with jobs! No chance of taking him away for a night

@thesandwich and @MereDintofPandiculation great news about you and yours finishing treatment. Whether it's something special or getting back to normality it must be quite a moment. Dp is just gearing up to start treatment on Monday week - hope we can be where you are soon.

heartfelt thanks @MereDintofPandiculation and @PermanentTemporary that means so much.
Brilliant news @MereDintofPandiculation that your dh has finished treatment and is catching up with jobs! Hope he can pace himself too.
@PermanentTemporary good luck to your dh…. Honestly, I found the hardest part of it all was waiting for results/ waiting for treatment to start. The long running cancer thread in health is a great source of info. And build in treats throughout- whatever that looks like for you. We certainly explored every tea shop and garden within striking distance of the hospital…..

@PermanentTemporary what got me about the process is you were always either waiting for results or trying to arrange another test. It never goes away! You have to learn patience and detachment. But there’s lots of support if you ask for it. Good luck to both of you.

Thanks, @thesandwich . He’s pacing himself! Jobs are taking an amazing length of time, and not just from his perfectionism

I'm counting to 10 slowly. May need to repeat a few times. Large wine may be required this evening. Of course, if I get done for fratricide I won't be called upon for elderly parent duties so maybe I shouldn't hold back...

So while re-arranging the weekend chores to accommodate mum's latest need DH announces that he's out all day Saturday but forgot to put it on the calendar (yet again) so I had to re-jig my rejigging. I'm going to need a big patio to bury all the bodies.

Hi All - I'm urgently trying to find a carer for DM. DF was admitted to hospital as an emergency at the end of last week and will be there for a while. SS are arranging an urgent care package for DM but they will only assess on Weds and I've no idea when they will start. I'm really struggling with the personal care as DM is disabled. All private care companies locally seem to be full.

I don't suppose there is an answer really - just wanted to vent.

@countrygirl99 happy to help with a shovel? Sending sympathy.
@Noodlekugel that sounds really tough. Would respite care in a care home be an option? Could you get reccomendations locally? Gp surgery?

@Noodlekugel we're in the same position. Dad can't manage any level of self care whatsoever, but we can't even get a private care company in as the local ones are so short staffed. District nurses literally don't want to know, and we've been warned that hospice carers at the end may also be thin on the ground.

I'm literally at breaking point, and Dad needs better supervision than 2 full time working DC who pop in and out when they can.

@thesandwich I can't mention <whispers> the care home unfortunately. I've tried asking on a local forum but no useful replies yet. I hadn't thought about the drs - there's nothing on the websites but I could ask there - thanks.

@Badger1970 So sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation. I have got the SS visiting on Weds and I'll see what they say.

Hello fellow cockroaches. I hope the fact it's quiet on here reflects a relative calm in all our situations. I had a very restful break with the DC & DH even managed to join us for last 5 days. Distant memory now and been through the wringer with DF since then. What we were told was side effects of chemo (lots of d&v, accidents & mess, loss of appetite, rapid weight lose, plunging blood pressure causing a fall & bump to head) has been diagnosed as C diff. Admitted to hospital Saturday, diagnosed Sunday, had head CT yesterday (all clear) & started on antibiotics. He's just phoned me saying they are discussing discharging him later today. Does that sound right? He still has diarrhoea with v little control over it and has only eaten soup since being in.

@chesterelly1 that doesn't doubd good. Will there be any care package arranged. Alternatively is it his wishful thinking. FIL would always be pushing to see of he could go home tomorrow and the "we'll see" response was always taken as a yes.

Is it too early to say I'm dreading Christmas? First one without dad and FIL. Mum will he coming to us so that means a 2 hour round trip to pick her up Christmas day and ditto to take her back Boxing Day and don't know how she will cope in an unfamiliar environment. Once dad stopped driving they stopped coming to us and we always went there. She doesn't remember FIL died in July and keeps asking me how he is getting on. On top of that DS1 and his partner will be here. Lovely partner can't have children following necessary medical treatment but mum keeps asking when they are going to have babies. I'm going to be on constant watch to change the subject.
Then we also have to visit MIL in her care home. At least she's only 45 mins away now but we need to schedule visits so she doesn't have loads on 1 day then nothing for a week. I'm trying to claim Christmas Eve or Boxing Day pm so I can have 27th completely free before I'm back to work on 28th. Of course I'm the only one in the team in between Christmas and New Year.

I've had a breakthrough with Dad's care - our lovely lovely pall care nurse put in a fast track finance application and a local care company picked it up - they started yesterday. It's only 2 visits a day and Dad was incredibly resistant but then rang last night all bubbly and happy as he'd had different people to chat to. He's declining rapidly as the bastard cancer takes hold, but it's hopefully something we can manage to keep him at home with as long as possible. My sister is causing issues (how unusual ) by refusing to back off what she's doing, and turned up the same time as the carers yesterday but thankfully Dad told her she could go....... if it's not Dad testing my limits, it's my sister. It's been a huge weight off the mental load knowing he's got this in place now.

DM had her hip replacement op on Saturday after having it cancelled twice. She seems quite chipper considering and says she the pain is less already so that's good news. DF is in a home for 5 weeks respite care, he is doing ok although a little bit confused and seems to think he is either in a hotel or an a cruise ship.

I had secretly hoped that DM might get used to the idea of him being in a home and he could stay there but she was talking about the hospital bed she had and how she would like one for DF as it would be easier to get him in and out. I've also booked theatre tickets for us for next September and she is worrying about who will look after him while we are there, I asked if she thought he would still be at home in September and she was very non-committal. I'm not saying anything else about it as I know it will come back to bite me.

@Badger1970 I'm so pleased you have some help. Eventually an nhs carer visited DM each morning which was what we needed. We didn't know they were coming - just turned up. I've now managed to get a private care company in each morning which is great. DF is now home from hospital and able to rest.

Had a bit of a shock yesterday. Went to see my dad, and as I walked into his room, I saw legs sticking out from under his bed. All sorts of questions went through my head “how did he fall?” “How long’s he been there?” before I realised these legs had dungarees on and belonged to Johnny who was replacing the motor on the bed (with dad still in it)

🤣🤣

😮 😁

OMG what a shock

Oh I'm at the end of my rope. Dad was not discharged on Tuesday although he was doing all he could to convince them he was ready. He fell during that night in his hospital room and split his head. I heard nothing until I was on my way to visit when I got a call from a nurse to ask if I knew about the fall and that he was being discharged. When I got in I spoke to her and the junior doctor who swallowed his bullshit (apologies for the language) about having a daily cleaner/carer (he doesn't he has a cleaner for 1.5hrs twice a week, no care), that he is still driving, doing his own shopping and cooking etc. probably even a month ago that was true but he has declined so rapidly it is definitely not the case now. So jar doc reevaluated his decision and decided to get occ health to assess him in hospital and at home. This should have happened yesterday but for unknown reason delayed until today. Well Wednesday I was the absolute worst, he was furious that I had said my piece and not just rolled with it to get him home. I saw the DF of my younger days who was abusive and controlling, it actually really scared me. I explained that the priority was him being well enough for chemo and going home before he was ready to potentially fall again was just going to delay that. Then I left.
This morning he must've pocket dialled when OH were in and I have overheard him saying he'll definitely be in his own bed tonight, him saying I don't want him, I don't support him, I want him in hospital so I don't have to bother then her saying I have no rights as long as he's deemed to have capacity. I mean, she's not wrong, but why not just say "she wants to know you're as safe as possible".
The poor nurse who just phoned to ask if I can collect him has just had a full and frank précis from my side.

Oh @chesterelly1 thats awful. And to hear that from your df…. Words fail me.
sending gin.🌺
@MereDintofPandiculation how funny.

I have collected DF from hospital, stopped to collect some shopping on way back. He sat in car, wasn't able to come in with me. But he's home so happy with himself. I'll pop in in morning but rest of my day is already allotted to various activities with dc, which I am determined not to change.
Meanwhile DH is in admissions with his DF waiting for transfer to a ward, it's only been 4hrs so far. Honestly you couldn't make it up!

@chesterelly1 I'm sure they told you at the hospital how contagious C Diff is - when residents had it in the nursing home we had to barrier nurse them (gloves and aprons) until they were symptom free and that could often take weeks. You really need to watch their hydration levels too if the diarrhoea is still active.

I had a sobering chat with palliative care today as the medication Dad's on isn't really helping and is just putting more strain on his liver. They gently asked if it's time to focus less on symptom management when nothing appears to be working and focus on pain management instead. My sister isn't having a bar of it and thinks Dad is doing well I'm honestly struggling to know if she's as simple as she's making out she is or it's more LALALA fingers in the ears CAN'T HEAR YOU. I've had an awful week at work, and just feel wrung out.

@Badger1970 that’s really tough. Sobering indeed. Good though that you have clarity. . People act differently in a crisis.