Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Update from me. Mum is still in hospital, with worsening pneumonia. I think she is dying, but the health care professionals are dancing around the issue.

She is still eating, has some moments of clarity but otherwise is pretty much out of it. She feels very cold to the touch, so I will take in an extra blanket if I can get there today. Blankets, apparently are in short supply in today's NHS. As are side rooms- I enquired but none available as they are all being used for infection control.

' If' because the weather gods are against me and we've had heavy snow overnight, and she's in a hospital some miles away with some high ground in between.

Thé LA held an emergency meeting yesterday with me, the GP's practice, social work and the home management. I think it's safe to say that the home are, as my legal colleagues would say, ' in some difficulty.' But that, understandably, is not my main focus at present.

Hmm words I hate to say it but could they be avoiding saying she's dying because of the lack of side rooms? I'm sure they know she should have one.

Sorry to hear this @Words Unfortunately, we had the same issue when DM was dying in hospital 2 weeks ago. There were no side rooms available due to infection control plus there had been a covid outbreak on mum's ward so they couldn't move her out and put someone else in her bed until the ward re-opened. Mum's hands were very cold in the weeks leading up to her death. She eventually stopped eating and slept most of the time. Thinking of you, hoping the snow stays away.

Thanks @OnthePiste

I'm not sure @PermanentTemporary . There does seem to be a general reluctance to be explicit, even though I've made it clear that's what I would prefer. I remember it with my Dad in 2013.

I suspect they also don't have the staff to monitor the side rooms as regularly as they should. The sister said she would prefer to keep an eye on her.

My Dad is now on end of life care. It's something we've dreaded for so long but is now strangely comforting. The home have completely taken over his care and needs, so I'm now just his daughter and that feels very comforting too.

My sister on the other hand is now no longer able to use denial as her coping mechanism, and has made an official complaint to both the hospice/palliative care team about her "being kept out of the loop" and Dad being overly medicated at my bequest apparently it's the morphine that has caused the weight loss and she actually asked for the patch to be removed which thankfully the nursing home told her to jog on. As if this is the time.... deep breath, deep breath.

No explicit-ness when my Mum-was dying 40 years ago, either.

I don’t expect media articles and colloquial stories “They told me I was dying and I’m still here 2 years later” do much to help. And maybe there’s a feeling it’s a self fulfilling prophesy in some cases. Must be hard to keep up the energy if you detect all around you think you’re as good as gone

Words hope the weather stays manageable. Merino walking socks are also a good shout, too.
Badger wishing you some quiet time with your DF. You've probably nailed your DSis's situation . Maybe she hasn't any coping mechanisms left...

thanks Mum - great idea - I have several pairs and will take along with the blanket. Though probably not today- still frozen solid here and don't want to risk an accident unless it's an absolute emergency.

and solidarity, badger

Update here...
Dad unwell.. under the 'virtual ward community response ' reoccurring UTi and full of fluid apparently, has signed a form without telling anyone that he doesn't want to be taken to hospital. This team have written all over his notes that medical professionals are to contact my sister.. yet they still keep ringing my mum and asking her questions despite her obviously not having a clue what's going on and completely unable to remember any of it
Social Services say they are allocating a social worker to my mum and 'may' need to do a capacity assessment as she doesn't really have a 'social care' need.
Mum now ringing all her children multiple times declaring that dad is 'away with the fairies' and she doesnt think the medics know what they are doing (that'd be why we've asked them to contact us direct then!!) Dealing with their life admin whilst both declare that the other one does it is getting ridiculous.
No power of attorney and definitely no intention of doing one as apparently we (their cruel, heartless children) would immediately put them in a home... They don't own their house and have very little saving so I don't know where this idea has come from other than supposedly friends with advanced dementia who have been 'put away' by their children and mum has decided they were perfectly fine to be at home (they really weren't )

@Lightuptheroom we had the same issue with the ward calling mum to say dad was being discharged to a care home the next day despite it being clear on the notes to call DB. Result was mum called the care home to speak to him and of course he wasn't there so she decided he must be seriously ill so readmitted and phoned me totally distraught. DB had been trying to ca the ward all.day to see of they had news on the possible care home place and no one wads picking up.

So they would like to discharge Mum to a nursing home placement.

My thoughts on

Care

My attachments didn't work. Probably as well.

Hi. Poster from Australia here. I
just straight-out need some reassurance. This week I placed my Dad in permanent care. Here they are called nursing homes. He was previously at another facility for respite, in which most people seemed old but still lively. They’d play card games, listen to music, talk at dinner etc.
My Dad needed to be moved because the respite he was in didn’t have a secure memory unit. So we searched and found a really nice room in a place 10 minutes from me.
The problem is, compared to some of the people there my Dad looks like a spring chicken! He’s able ( to a degree) have a conversation and makes eye contact etc. I feel like I’ve jumped the gun, even though when he was at home he was wandering at night, unable to use a microwave to heat meals we made, unable to use a phone to call emergency services etc. I just couldn’t do it all and raise a child. But I get the feeling staff are questioning why he’s there at all. And of course I feel all the guilt in the world.
aaargh.

Welcome vcal. Sorry to hear this. It's absolutely shit isn't it.

Wandering is one of the big triggers for a step up in care. There'll be a lot of experience here about that. Still a bit scarred from my mum's constant wandering from a ward in the hospital when she first got really ill... it's a bit funny now but she was more mobile than most of their inpatients and she made it to the car park once...

I'd say talk to the staff over time. It takes ages in my experience for them to let down their guard enough to have a real conversation with relatives (or maybe that's just me). Tell them you're worried he doesn't actually need to have this level of care. Don't just project your fears onto them (i do it all the time!)

The fear of getting it wrong is horrible. I bet you haven't tbh. But also you can think again, if needed.

Thank you Permanent Temporary: not tech savvy enough to copy your name properly!

Yes, I think the care staff are a bit cagey. They need time to trust us too I suppose. I just get the feeling it’s all a bit too corporate for my tastes: but yes, we are the customers here and we can act in the best interests of my Dad.

@Vcal2017 Some days it will be the perfect place, others it will seem not so as his needs on a day to day basis will fluctuate. If you are really conflicted go look at a few more places and see if this home still remains your favourite to meet his needs. However, you are having to future proof for him and in a few months down the line this place may be entirely the best. It’s tough but he is safe and just ten minutes away. Frequent short 15 min pop in visits might be the way to go?

Mum5net That’s a great idea! I can pop in and that way he’ll feel reassured. And you are very right, with Alzheimers there are days when he just seems like a forgetful old man, and others when he says ( and does) some really inexplicable and upsetting things. I never know where I am and what to expect: I just know no two visits will be the same. 🥹

Sorry about the random postings yesterday evening. Was trying to add an attachment.

It's all a bit academic now, as sadly Mum died during the night. I was right to be sceptical about their plan to discharge her.

I've done all I can in terms of practicalities today and am now going to get some rest.

Oh words I am so sorry to hear your update. You called it. Sending hugs.

Very sorry for your loss @Words please accept my condolonces

So sorry, Words.