How would you deal with all this?

[noborisno]

I want to care for both my parents until they die. I'll bring in carers for intimate cleans and I want to then be driving to keep my mum's house clean.

So I inherit my mum's property, (owned outright, current value 80K)
But dad lives in another city and owns nothing. I was thinking to move him in with mum as can't see any other option.

They are both fine now, but I don't want to stick them in care homes.

I'm staying in my city, mum lives in my city.

We aren't wealthy but husband is the breadwinner, so I have time to care for parents. Not sure if I can or should get income for it.

They'll both have pensions, we'll have the property, three bed house.

I just want to keep them out of care homes and the property will be an asset for my own child. We are socially housed and unsure whether we will get any mortgage.

Just wondering if I'm missing something but it seems simple enough to care for my parents once they become in need of it?

You sound like a kind person. Have you asked your parents what their preferences are for care as they get older?

Sorry, also meant to ask: you say 'So I inherit'... the house etc. Is this something that has been discussed with your mother? Are you an only child?

You lost my support with the phrase "stick them in care homes" and the implication that you're planning this so as to inherit the house. If you think care is simple enough then you really don't have an understanding of what is involved, the falls in the night, responsibility for medication, the endless hospital visits, the telephone calls for fifteen hours a day.

They have a choice too, do they want to live together for your convenience?

Do they want to move in together? What are their thoughts on the matter?

I think difficult as it is, you need to wait and see how things pan out, the process of getting old is very individual, they may both need very minimal care, it may be that mobility declines but not memory/cognition/mental ability or vice versa or sadly it may be both. You are very sensible to start planning and thinking about it now before any serious problems start but there's no need to jump the gun and act as though the worst case scenario is already here, when it could well be that one or other or even both manage very well with minimal assistance.

A few other points, a very, very important part of doing this planning exercise is having conversations with your parents about their own wishes and feelings, I don't see anything in your post about what they want? I assume from the fact they live in different cities they are separated? If that's so I can't see that your dad moving into your mum's house would be a sensible idea, I'm sure they would both want to benefit from your care, but giving up their own space and homes to live with an ex wouldn't be something many people would tolerate I'd think and I'm not so sure being "stuck" in a care home wouldn't be preferable to many. And assuming you are in the UK there would be other options, a sheltered housing flat or retirement village or even a private ground floor rented flat or bungalow I your city might be suitable options if he wants to be nearby? You don't need substantial assets to access these, he could pay the rent from his pension and/or might be eligible for housing benefit. Other things to look into financially are attendance allowances and carers allowance.

Also I am a little concerned that you say 'its simple enough to care for my parents', I mean yes in one sense it is simple especially if their abilities remain at the higher end and they 'just' need a bit of help with cleaning, meals, appointments etc rather than the more full-on dealing with severe disabilities or dementia which I would say are very far from simple as a sole responsibility (can be 24/7 work) for one person let alone two... Its very laudable that you want to take this on but it's not always emotionally or practically easy either for the carer or the caree, you say you wouldn't do intimate care but (a) if the person is at a level where for instance they need help toiletting, unless you can afford to employ a carer 24 hours a day (which would be very expensive) you probably would have to help yourself at least sometimes, would that really be what you and your parents want? Some people really don't want their family providing that kind of care and would rather go into residential care if things get that far, so this is why you need to be having these kinds of conversation with them now rather than making assumptions. Another thing that can happen is it goes the other way, where family are providing care the person can go into an almost childlike state and be very demanding/passive, wanting their relative on call all the time for their every whim, so again consider what that would do to your relationship and consider setting some clearer boundaries for yourself and them before it gets that far... Don't mean to sound unduly negative, it's a wonderful thing to care for your parents but I do think it works best when you can be upfront and realistic about things before you start and don't discount the idea of external help or care homes if it becomes necessary, sometimes it really is the kindest thing, there are many really excellent care homes and the quality of facilities and care that can be offered by a team of professionals can far exceed what one person struggling alone can do, however loving and caring that person is...

I think you are being very naive about what caring for elderly people can entail. Sounds as if your parents are separated or divorced - you cant just decide to move your dad in with your mum if thats the case!

they may end up NEEDING to go into care - once someone requires 24/7 care thats not really something you would be able to do on your own. In that case the house may need to be sold to pay for some of their care.

you need to look at posts on the elderly board here to see what situations some people have to contend with - its not always easy.

What do your parents want? Or is it all based on your own financial gain?

If you use carers they will need paying. I’m currently paying £152/week for an hour a day. My mum gets carers allowance of £90/week to put towards it but the rest is coming out of her savings. When her savings drop below £23,500, I can apply to the local authority for a contribution.

She said she DOESN'T want to "stick them in care homes".

What you've said sounds great OP, and you obviously care about what happens to your parents in future. However, realistically, there may come a time when neither you nor carers will be able to provide the care they need in their own home(s) - either because of a physical condition, or a mental one. At some point you may have to consider a care home. It may never come to this though.

The only question I'd have is that there must be a reason why your parents live separately now - would they really be able to live together, particularly while not in the prime of their lives?

Also - are you in the UK? Not many houses are "only" worth £80k these days - you may be in line to inherit more than you think, if you can avoid having to pay for care.

You have no idea what level of support your parents may need as they get older. Their needs may be manageable or, they may be severe. A good starting point would be to speak to your parents about applying for power of attorney for finance and welfare, you would be in a good position to support your parents with important decisions.

This sounds like you want to do it just for your mums house?! Pretty shameless

This sounds like a good move if they both agree to it. However, as someone who cared for their Mum so she could die at home and am now caring for my father who has Dementia, it is a huge undertaking. My life has been put on hold because of it, which was my choice but there are certainly days when I struggle with the decisions that I have made.

What you need to research and understand is how much care costs, even just a few hours a day the cost adds up. Also how councils, if your parents at some point will receive financial support will take from assets when they die. So if the house is in your Mother's name they may put a lean on the house to reclaim costs.

As other people have recommended sort out Power of Attorney, Health and. Wellness and Finance for both parents.

Speak to Age Concern

Join groups for people who do the same

Understand the local council's position on social care.

Understand the Continuing Healthcare Framework, at some point one or both parents may be entitled to it but it is a nightmare process to go through and is set up really to not payout. But if you are successful the NHS then pay the cost of care.

Finally, speak to people who are in the situation you are thinking of putting yourself in. It is incredibly difficult and can take up your who life.

Trying to make decisions for elderly parents so they are peaceful in their final years is one of the hardest things we have to do and no one warns you about it when you are growing up.

I wish you all well.

Yes I'm an only child. Yes she is leaving the house to me in her will.

This is what I don't know, what choice do I have?
I can't see another option than dad staying on his own.

They cannot live with us. They are both very difficult people.

I don't think they would treat care home staff well, and thus would not be treated well themselves.

I need to work this out, I cannot stick them (nor afford to) stick them in care homes.

I have worked in care myself.
I don't see another option this is why I'm here asking.

Thing is the only other option I can see is I get a phone call one day that dad's body has been found in his flat. He sits and drinks alone all day. It's a long drive and long train journey.

I want him to come to my city so I can care for him.

I know very little about it but I am putting feelers out here; what other option could there be?

Bloody hell I hope my kids don't presumptively try and move my ex in with me when I'm old because I have a house and he doesn't! You really need to talk to your mum and listen to whether she wants this.

It's not about what YOU want or your needs/financial gain.

It's entirely about what they want and choose to do.

If you are involved it should be as an advocate for the choices they make.

They are not children and you are not in charge of them.

How are you going to afford the carers? Who will pay? What if they need 24/7 care? That will be very, very expensive. If you think they won’t treat care home staff well, why do you think they would treat carers any better? Care agencies and carers will refuse to deal with them.

Are you parents currently needing any help?
Chances are they may need some help as they get older. But not everyone needs residential care as they get older. Not everyone in care homes are there long term, I think that the average stay is something like 10 months.
The fact that you are willing and able to help must be reassuring for them. That would certainly keep them at home longer.
But it really will depend on factors outside your control and unfortunately the reality is sometimes houses are sold for care home fees.
My MIL has dementia and poor mobility, there's no way we could look after her at home. She lives in a care home. She's not entitled to any funding.

If your dad doesn't own property or have savings, then it's a case of going through social services processes to get him assessed for care which the state would pay for. That might include a care home place if needed. It also depends on what he wants, assuming he has capacity. Is he divorced from your mum? What does he think about your plan to move him into her house?

What sort of care setting have you worked in? You seem very down on care home staff - who I have seen doing a great job even with difficult residents. You also seem convinced that although your parents are difficult people, as long as they don't live with you, you'll be able to care for them yourself without that being a problem. I'm not so sure. It's very stressful and hard work especially if dementia is a factor, and loving someone doesn't make that go away entirely.

Realistically, your Dad and mum are unlikely to want to live together if they've split up; they're still adults who get to decide for themselves who they live with.

Your mum's house may well need to be sold to cover the cost of her care (having people in to do "intimate" care as per your OP can run up to hundreds of £ per week - can you/your mum spend this without using her house as an asset?)

However, as you don't state what their current needs are or if it's just a hypothetical conversation about the future it's difficult to say.

What do they want to happen?

You assume your Dad will want to live with you and be cared for. You also assume that your mother will be happy to have her (ex?) husband in the house. That's before we look at the stresses and strains of 24/7 care and the effect it will have on yourself, your child and your family.

Other options: your father accesses social care in the city, your mother chooses to downsize to sheltered accommodation, one or both of them needs specialist around the clock care (e.g. dementia) that requires a care home, OR they both die with few complications that may only necessitate a regular nursing visit and end-of-life care.

It sounds like they are both happy and healthy at the moment and you are trying to plan ahead. That's laudable, but beyond doing the paperwork for POA's, wills and funeral wishes, you can't predict what the future will bring.

That's all really helpful, thank you.

I hadn't thought about renting a flat for him. I don't know how any of it works, can he use his pension for that?

I could sell his home and try and get two smaller homes.

My parents haven't been the best or model parents. We are not wealthy so while we could maybe stick mum in a decent care home with what comes from her house, what would happen to dad? I can't pay for a care home.

Do they want to stay at home, does your mum want dad to move in and just watch him sit and drink all day. Just because the house is in her Will it doesnt mean you will always inherit it, carers coming in will cost a lot and you may have no choice but to look at carehomes. If you do work in care then you will know its not your decision if they have capacity and you dont have power of attorney.