How would you deal with all this?

[noborisno]

I want to care for both my parents until they die. I'll bring in carers for intimate cleans and I want to then be driving to keep my mum's house clean.

So I inherit my mum's property, (owned outright, current value 80K)
But dad lives in another city and owns nothing. I was thinking to move him in with mum as can't see any other option.

They are both fine now, but I don't want to stick them in care homes.

I'm staying in my city, mum lives in my city.

We aren't wealthy but husband is the breadwinner, so I have time to care for parents. Not sure if I can or should get income for it.

They'll both have pensions, we'll have the property, three bed house.

I just want to keep them out of care homes and the property will be an asset for my own child. We are socially housed and unsure whether we will get any mortgage.

Just wondering if I'm missing something but it seems simple enough to care for my parents once they become in need of it?

Did you try to provide for your own end of life though? My dad was absent, in debt, and on PIP.

I could just let him die on his own, I don't owe him a thing.

In your ooening post you say dad owns nothing, now you suggest you could sell his flat, he may not want to live with your mum and may be able to find social housing if he has no money..

I think you can try to keep them at home as long as possible if that’s what they and you want. But it’s not always possible. Think if one of them gets dementia and becomes unsettled agitated or constantly trying to go out in the middle of the night

or if either or both needs 24 hour care and watching through the night. You won’t be able to care for them night and day.

most people go into a care home when they’re not safe to be left alone in between care calls eg because they keep going out and getting lost, or because they keep trying to get up and falling down. Or because they need help through the night eg repositioning every couple of hours to prevent pressure sores, or needing an incontinence pad changed. Those latter things might require two people to do safely.

so by all means start with those intentions but there are no guarantees.

and no, generally you can’t get income for it beyond some very small carers allowance but it’s means tested and cancels out other benefits. Also if they still own a property which they aren’t living in because they’re living with you then they’d be self funding for their care anyway. (It’s not taken into account if they’re living in it)

She does the exact same thing, only difference being she bought a house on a lucky break when she left where she was living by being forced to buy a council home. She moved near me as I live in a very cheap area of the country and bought the house outright.

I don't work in care any longer. I was a care assistant full time for 7 years of my early life.

If I put mum in a home and use her home to pay. What happens to dad?

You don’t pay for a care home - unless you want to, of course - your parents pay. If they don’t have the means, the local authority will pay. If both your parents own properties, those will usually have to be sold to pay for a care home. But it depends what your parents want to do - you can’t just decide to sell their homes, buy a flat or whatever. It may be that they want to do different things.

What is your dads situation, does he own or rent his house, is he on benefits, does he want or need to to move. Does your mum want to move into a carehome.

No, see they can't live with us as they are both very nasty people and we can't have them around our daughter. My husband refuses, whereas his will be coming to live with us (this is his plan, he is working towards a lucrative career) but it's no guarantee and that's also not my focus in this post. They are preparing for their retirement, unlike my parents.

I'm just wondering what to do so thank you for the truth, I may sound naïve here, because I am.

No assets, only debts, heavy drinker, lives alone, doesn't go out often. Can look after himself but has arthritis and I wonder how come he can even be compus mentus the amount he has drank over his life.

IN a care home he would do nothing but abuse staff 24/7 and I assume get abuse back.

I could 100% leave him to die alone but don't really want to.

Mum owns and can live her days out there. She's nicer but same issues as above. She was vile to me growing up, yes I would like a house in return. No, I don't feel bad about that.

And no I wouldn't abuse them back, I'm used to their abuse now I can just ignore it. I make great efforts to spend time around them for their sake and take abuse the entire time. At this point, they don't realise how abusive they are, it's just normal them. I only realised how weird they were when I married into a normal family.

Exactly I can't sell the home so the only option I can see for my dad is to move him in with mum. On a different floor, and come and take care of their individual needs.

Sorry, mum's house.

I'm multi-tasking, apologies.

If they have assets this will go toward their care needs. Either care at hone or a placement. If they have no assets the state will fund them. And there are plenty of complex high needs people in the system. Grumpy old people are expected.

Ah so there we have it, you only want to do it for the house.

It's valued at 80K.

Thanks, Yes I love them. I have forgiven them for their awful parenting, they are just failed people.

It could be ages yes, I always assumed they would have drunk themselves to death right now. They have some strong genes I can tell you that.

I get on with them. I've always been like their parent. I can tell them now they can live on separate floors and be cared for.

I've been honest with them both about the fact I will care for them, they don't want to be put in homes, I've told them I can do it but they will have to both live in the same city.

Dad's done nothing to get here, he can't really. So I'm now thinking about my options here.

What else would happen usually? Where does money come from to put him in care? Who puts him there? I only visit twice a year but keep in contact. It's difficult to be around him in person.

Your dad should be looked after by the local authority. Are your parents actually divorced? The only way you will get to keep your mum’s house -if she needs care, and she may, of course, not - is by paying for it herself with whatever savings or money she has, or you paying for it instead. If you/she can’t afford it, the house has to be sold. If you yourself look after your mum, you should get a small amount of carers allowance.

Do they get any choices in this or is this your own idea? I'd have something to say if anyone tried to move an ex into my home and I expect they'd also be miffed.

Not only, no. I also don't feel right unleashing them onto care home staff.

But you can't just decide to move your Dad in with your Mum either. It's got to be very unlikely that either would agree to this surely?

What will happen in practice is that you can try to care for both as long as you can but they may need outside care or to move to a care home regardless.

In the case of your Mum if she requires care in her own home then her house will be disregarded for this (meaning she gets to keep it and can pass it on to you on her death). Any savings she has or income will be taken into account but once she reaches a lowish level then the local authority will fund carers in her own home. However if she needs to be in a care home (usually when someone requires very frequent care so carers become more expensive than a home) then her house would have to be sold to pay for this and after the money from it is used up then the local authority will continue to pay for her care.

In the case of your Dad if he has no assets then his care (either carers in his own home or a care home depending on his needs) will be fully funded by the local authority although he and you will have less say in where he goes/the level and choice of care he receives than if he were self funding.

eeek, but he'll be so horrible to them. Honestly it won't go well.

How old are your parents? Have you spoken to them about their wishes?

Thanks, I didn't know that. That changes things somewhat but I still know that he lives in squalor and would be utterly vile to any carers and just don't want that situation really. I was a carer and it's not nice being abused by someone like that.

Also, what if they are mean to him in return? We know it happens. He'll be effing and blinding and kicking them like he does me when he gets a chance.

70 and 60

Yes, they don't see another option either but they kind of don't believe they will ever get like that, they are in denial hence they never prepared.

I honestly can't get past the idea that you expect your separated, "difficult" parents to agree to live together, let alone live together without causing you untold problems as they revisit all the reasons they separated in the first place - except now they'll have you as the common enemy for being about this situation.

Don’t underestimate the effect of caring for abusive parents on you too. What will that do to you? It could damage your life, more than it probably already has. They may become more abusive with time. You may have many years ahead with them still being abusive towards you.

Oh this is nothing new whenever they get together. I'm used to it.

I didn't see an alternative but if mum will get care from the LA then I suppose that's an option. I just wanted her here so I could see her more. Once they're gone, they're gone.

I've done a lot of self work around my parents. I tried to cut them off but it hurt too much. Now I just want to do my best and when they die have no regrets on my part.