How would you deal with all this?

[noborisno]

I want to care for both my parents until they die. I'll bring in carers for intimate cleans and I want to then be driving to keep my mum's house clean.

So I inherit my mum's property, (owned outright, current value 80K)
But dad lives in another city and owns nothing. I was thinking to move him in with mum as can't see any other option.

They are both fine now, but I don't want to stick them in care homes.

I'm staying in my city, mum lives in my city.

We aren't wealthy but husband is the breadwinner, so I have time to care for parents. Not sure if I can or should get income for it.

They'll both have pensions, we'll have the property, three bed house.

I just want to keep them out of care homes and the property will be an asset for my own child. We are socially housed and unsure whether we will get any mortgage.

Just wondering if I'm missing something but it seems simple enough to care for my parents once they become in need of it?

Yes, he's had decluttering people via social prescribing before. It's manageable I guess.

Ok so he is known to the g.p and social workers then, I doubt you can do much except maybe ask if he would like to move nearer you but its not fair just to inflict this on your mum.

But he can't as it stands. I've tried to get housing involved but they won't give him a place here and I can't buy one. Just unsure what other options I have.

It may be unfair you are right. They do tolerate each other, they weren't together very long and never married.

I'm just unsure exactly what to do and yes it is a way off but I can't expect any help from my husband as he disliked them greatly due to their past behaviour.

Why do you feel you need to do anything, they both have homes, the social services can offer dad help if he needs it, your husband and child are your priority. If you are desperate for him to live near you then you could look at local housing associations and see if he fits the criteria but your mum is under no obligation to have him move in with her.

OP, can you please read my post to you at 12.09?
You don't seem to understand what you can and can't decide on your dad's behalf. I did say this but you have missed it.

Yes, I understand that, thanks.
I didn't know dad would be taken care of for nothing by the state. I thought the only option was me or leaving him to die alone.

If mum's house paid for her care, it's still an issue that he doesn't live here.

Housing wouldn't allocate any need.

Maybe mum will want to downsize then I can try and buy flats for them both but it would be up to her in the end.

Apart from the extremely obvious fact that you cannot dictate to your parents where and how they live, I think you are mistaken to take responsability for your parents' bad manners. They are adults and have made and will make their own choices.

I remember when my mother was dying in hospital and she was rude to her brother. I was so upset by that, but the onside psychologist quite rightly told me that that was between her and her brother and I was overstepping by thinking I had some responsability there.

You say that you want to defend future carers, but I honestly think that carers know how to deal with difficult elderly patients. A lot of perfectly nice people become quite appalling when they are over 80 or have dementia.

Why should your mum sell her house and downsize so you could buy him a flat, he is living in social housing, pays no rent, claims benefits and has no money. The house is her home, not yours, its only worth 80k, you wont find flats for 40k even if she agreed.

So both your parents are alcoholics?

If you stick them both in the same home they will likely kill each other.

They both choose to drink and you can choose to live your own life without taking on responsibility for them.

You would be mad to do otherwise.

Maybe mum will want to downsize then I can try and buy flats for them both but it would be up to her in the end.

But if your mum wanted to downsize, that’d be because she’d want somewhere smaller that would give her a sum of money left over to do with what she wanted. She’s not likely to want to spend it on your dad. And your dad doesn’t need a flat. He already has social housing of his own. It would be madness to give that up.

I got about half way through.

Honestly, I'd go non contact with both of them and walk away. Let the authorities work it out whilst you have a happy 30-40 carefree years.

Is 30 years (my Grandma is 96 and going strong at home) of abuse, being kicked (!), putting everything they need before anything you actually want in life really worth £80k????

And you might put up with 20 years of it only for the last 2 years to suck the £80k out anyway. Alzheimer's homes are in the £1200 a week region so just 2 years in one wiped out the inheritance.

It's not worth it. Claim your life back!!

I agree completely. Plus your daughter will lose out on your attention while you're spending all day every day doing care. The trade off where she may get a house many years down the line isn't worth it. It won't compensate for her childhood. Talk to someone like a counsellor about this compulsion to rescue your unworthy parents from the problems of their own making, and get on with the life that's ahead of you.

Another one here advising you to look at your own career options and future sanity. 80k only works out at 222 a month; something you could earn and save over 30 years just doing 6 hours a week on an average hospitality wage (£9).

The local authorities will take your parents needs and assets into account. Beyond that, they are adults who frankly will do better with impartial strangers than a stressed, exhausted overworked daughter who is triggered by their abuse.

Wow, well this comment broke it all down really well. I appreciate this, thank you. I will think about what you've said.

Why on earth would you think putting both parents who don’t live with each other into the same house is a good idea? I couldn’t think of anything worse than having to live with my ex husband when I’m older!

You can’t sell anyones home unless you own it. Legally or otherwise. If your father or mother need full time care, then they can use the equity in their houses to pay for it. That’s how the system works.

If they don't live together already then there's obviously a good reason for that. Maybe they don't want you caring for them, even with help. Maybe your Dad wants to be left to his own devices. Its their lives and unless they are mentally unable to make a decision about what they want and surely its up to them? It's their lives. You need to ask them what they want.

If she sold her house and used the money to buy a place for your father, that would be considered as deprivation of assets in terms of paying for a care home. If she put the place in your father’s name, then it would be used to pay for his care.
either way, why in gods name would she buy her ex a house, flat or garden shed???

I’ve told my DDs to push me off the nearest bridge if I end up like my grandma and mum 🤣🤣
I do NOT want my children to look after me, feed me, wipe my bottom, bath me.

I believe you're half joking in your response, @Soontobe60 , but I think it's an unfair responsibility to say that to your DCs. DSis had dementia, lack of mobility and near blindness following chemo and radiotherapy in her 40s. My DBro has early onset Alzheimers. I'm the least caring person in the world but I don't mind doing the personal care for people I love. It's worth it if it makes them more comfortable and happy. I believe (in my sister's case at least until the pain got too bad) that both found/find joy in living.

My DF always joked about "The Big Jag" when the time came. When the time did come and he was no longer able to live independently, I believe he genuinely appreciated that DSis looked after him with such love and care. He did go to a care home when his needs were greater than she could manage.

I’m joking in that I want them to do away with me. However, if I get a diagnosis of some form of dementia, I will take myself off to Dignitas. I have seen too many close relatives lose their minds and their dignity to want that for myself. I’m a very strong advocate for people being able to choose the nature of their death where possible.

OP, it sounds as though both of your parents have not treated you well and so it is understandable that you are writing in a rather unemotional tone about their end of life care and assets.

However if they are only 60 and 70 and neither currently need care, then I don't think any trade off of you caring for 2 difficult, alcoholic, separated people for the next 20-30 years of their life would be anything like worth it on the hope that you inherit an £80k house.

If you are concerned about your dad and his health and lifestyle, you could request a referral to adult social care in his area. If he needs carer visits or to be in a home, this will be arranged and you won't have to fund it.

The same for your mum, except her assets may be taken into account.

You can't sell your mum's house to buy a flat for your dad. Unless either of them have capacity issues, their care is their business to plan.

Focus on improving your and your daughter's lives and not skivvying and worrying for parents who did not do the same for you and do not appreciate it.

If your parents have capacity, it's up to them to decide what they want. Do they want you to care for them. And presumably they live separately for a reason. You are incredibly naive about Judy how hard work caring for elderly people is. Care homes are not all bad.

Since you describe them as very nasty people and not good parents, exactly what are your motives in wanting to do this? My spare lovely and but hell will freeze over before I become their carers.