How would you deal with all this?

[noborisno]

I want to care for both my parents until they die. I'll bring in carers for intimate cleans and I want to then be driving to keep my mum's house clean.

So I inherit my mum's property, (owned outright, current value 80K)
But dad lives in another city and owns nothing. I was thinking to move him in with mum as can't see any other option.

They are both fine now, but I don't want to stick them in care homes.

I'm staying in my city, mum lives in my city.

We aren't wealthy but husband is the breadwinner, so I have time to care for parents. Not sure if I can or should get income for it.

They'll both have pensions, we'll have the property, three bed house.

I just want to keep them out of care homes and the property will be an asset for my own child. We are socially housed and unsure whether we will get any mortgage.

Just wondering if I'm missing something but it seems simple enough to care for my parents once they become in need of it?

I mean, this all sounds great in theory. What if one or both of them end up with dementia and are up wandering all night and you cannot leave them alone to go out for food shopping etc. Sure, carers can come in but unless you are paying for carers 24/7 it will be physically and emotionally exhausting being up several times during the night and tied to the house during the day. Your intentions are admirable but I'm just saying that life rarely turns out in the exact way we plan it to- especially when it comes to elderly parents and health issues etc

As other people have said, you may not be able to care for your parents at home for the rest of their lives. If they need 24 hour care, how are you going to manage that? Move into the house with both of them and never sleep?

People with dementia often start wandering and need to be somewhere secure. This is what happened with my mum - she was at home with carers coming in four times a day, until the day the morning carer let herself in to find the house empty as my mum had let herself out to ‘get to the motorway’. Luckily she had not gone far. That was the prompt to move her to a care home.

It is a lovely idea to care for elderly parents at home, but it’s often obvious that the people suggesting it are not aware of the reality of caring for older people.

The money for care comes from either the person's own assets, if they have savings above about £14K, or the state if they don't. If they pay themselves, they can choose to move to a care home if and when THEY want, or when their representative with power of attorney decides if the person has been assessed as not having capacity, e.g. has significant dementia. If the state pays, it happens when social services agree that it's now the only way to care for them and keep them safe.

The problem you are going to have (aside of the ethics of deciding these things for your parents anyway) is that unless he has a condition that has mentally incapacitated him AND you have legal power of attorney for him, you cannot make any decision about your dad's care unless he agrees to it. And it doesn't sound like he would. So my advice is to start talking to him about how you can plan for the future together. All this 'I could do A or B' is pie in the sky if they don't want it. And older people, even if they're not very difficult people, generally don't like other people deciding they should leave their current home. You really need to think about the power you have here and whether you try hard to influence your dad, or accept the limits to that, at least for now, and step away.

It is a lovely idea to care for elderly parents at home, but it’s often obvious that the people suggesting it are not aware of the reality of caring for older people

Yep- this exactly and even if physically you can do it, the emotional toll it takes on you is immense, plus, these days with people living until their late 90s you could be doing it for two more decades.

Who is paying your dads rent qnd bills at the moment, does he want to move in with mum. If he needs care then the local authority will carry out a needs assessment if he agrees qnd they will arrange it, you dont have to do anything. If your mum agrees and wants carers in then she will also need a care assessment, a care agency wont just turn up because you asked them to. They need to know what help she needs and her financial situation. They also may put in a safeguarding concern if your dad moves in with her and is just sitting around drunk all day. If mum wants to move into a carehome then she will have a financial assessme to to see how much she has to pay by selling her house, having a pension and any benefits she claims. What happens if you cannot look after them, you say he is difficult to be around so why would you want to look after him every day.

With them both being heavy drinkers there's an increased chance of them developing cognitive problems. Would you be happy to leave your daughter (which you said she can't be around your parents) to stay and look after them 24 hours per day 7 days a week, not able to leave them alone to go food shopping, having carers pop in 4 times per day? You wouldn't be able to go on holiday etc.
You said you worked in care but it sounds like you have forgotten about it or didn't see it from families perspectives.
2 of my grandparents have dementia, they've had it for 12-15 years, the middle of the night running to their house because they had fallen, they were scared as they didn't know where they are, the refusing to get washed and dressed, not knowing when day and night was, the refusing to eat/the forgetting to eat. Refusing carers and kicking them out of the house! They need 24 hour care and that's what they have in a EMI care home.
And guess what?? Savings and assets are paying for their care.
You sound as though your doing it for the house.

OP, I cared for my Mum who was 86 and had pancreatic cancer for last 9 months of her life. I moved in with my Mum for final 3 months. I had 4 sisters who also helped with care. In last 3 months we all 5 sisters moved back home to care for Mum in shifts with 2 of us with her all the time, day and night. One of my sister's was a carer so taught us what to do and how best to do it. I loved my Mum and would have done everything I could to keep her out of a home but I know I could not have done it without my sister's input. Up until last 3 months I think 2 or 3 of us could have managed but in final 3 months we did a rota. 2 sisters 8am-8pm, 2 sisters 8pm-8am and 1 sister day off. We rotated so all got 1 day off each week. We were lucky we all had good dh's who loved after our secondary aged children so we could live in with Mum. I went home to my family 1 day a week and 1/2 day at weekend. Have you got any siblings to help you care? You have 2 parents to care for I would worry at the very end if you could manage alone. You could apply for carers allowance for 1 parent and other parent could apply for attendance allowance. You can only get 1 lot of carers allowance.

I'm coming up for 60 and I would be horrified if my DD's were making plans for me like I had one foot in the grave! They might live for another 20-30 years!

I'm 😲 at the fact one of your parents is 60 and you're posting in the Elderly Parents section! 60?? Seriously?
I'm 59 and working full time with 2 older teens at home. We're only just thinking of our in-laws future needs!

Actually, they're not teens now, but only just! As PP said, your parents could live for many more years yet, even bad health prevailing!

He is on a nice income via pip and disability benefits and has been living that way for a long time.

I'm taking a couple of decades off for all the substance abuse.

You might be in for an almighty shock then. That does not guarantee they'll die younger. You'd be surprised how many people linger on with chronic health issues

I just want to keep them out of care homes and the property will be an asset for my own child.

They cannot live with us. They are both very difficult people.

While caring for parents in their own home is probably the ideal, as PPs have pointed out, there may come a time when increasing frailness, lack of mobility, double incontinence and dementia conspire to make providing safe and comfortable care for one, never mind two people, requires 24hr attendance and occasionally two person team.

That was the point at which we reluctantly had to accept that our DM was actually better off in a home.

At that point it would not have been fair to prioritise the inheritance over DM's safety.

There is not much point in making plans on the basis that this will never happen to you.

Here's the thing. I love dad and don't want him to die alone. Mum has the house, I love her too, but also know they were not good parents.

Also if they can't drink in a care home I just don't see it going well. I've met normal people, and I've met people that are a little eccentric. Then there's my parents.

They will do nothing but kick up a stink in any care home 24/7.

It may not be possible to care for both parents at the same time.

Adult social services /should they be admitted to hospital may decide it’s in the persons best interests to be admitted to residential care. It could be taken out of your hands.

The state would take someone’s pension etc and allow a small cash allowance for essentials like soap, clothes, etc (If they didn’t own their home).

My DM never wants to go in to a care home, however I’m not sure, should they time come that I am capable of providing around the clock care.

Have you spoken to either parent about this?

Does your mum want to share her house and her life living with a heavy drinking ex husband who shouts, swears, kicks people, sits around doing nothing, is likely to live in squalor, may become doubly incontinent, be sick and fall over. It doesnt sound ideal or particularly safe. How much care are you prepared to give them, how can they live on separate floors, are there 2 bathrooms, stairs, enough room for their own bedrooms.

What often happens is a fit and healthy parent has a fall, bad fracture, major op, possibly don't regain full health and the stress can affect their mental capabilities. They are now wheelchair bound/ housebound. Thinking you can pop over to see to them just isn't viable. Either you live in with them or they go to a Care Home.
Being housebound can be very lonely - sometimes a care home is better.
Do your research but keep your options open.
Could DF move nearer and rent somewhere and rent his other place out?

It reads to me like you're looking at this as a way to accrue an asset (the house) rather than have a proper career plan to build for your future and for your daughter.

Surely it would be easier to get a job? If your parents were to become incapacitated, revise your plans then.

How is it worth it for an 80k house? If you were to get a job you could probably repair your credit and buy your own 80k house before they die.

The state won't leave them to starve. You seem to want to protect them from themselves but they made their choices - your DH and DC, otoh, don't deserve the added stress of you doing this, and if you think you can care for two abusive parents for years and have it take no emotional toll on you I think you're deluding yourself.

This is the real issue. Dad lives alone in a council flat that is squalid. I could keep his place clean if he lived in my city but no way to get him here.

Mum lives in a well kept home but I'm unsure what to do about dad when the time comes as I have no assets.

I could just care for mum or I could care for neither. It's true I can't do 24 hour care.

Yes these are all good points. I'm glad I asked here.

Do you really want to clean up after him, do the council know he is vulnerable and living in squalor, this could affect his already poor health and the safety of others if he has an unsafe home. Has the housing officer or his doctor seen him, assessed his safety and mental state. How would you even get him to move, you would risk him, yourself and anyone involved if he is aggressive. Maybe he would be safer in supported housing which is something a social worker could help with, you could call his council safeguarding team if you are worried about him and they might try a visit him to see if he is managing but if he has capacity, will not move and tells you to eff off then theres not much you can do. What does your mum think.

If your mum lives in a well kept home then why on earth would she agree to have your dad, her ex, move in with her at the most vulnerable time period of her life knowing full well he "lives in squalor" and is potentially abusive? You cant just force her into it because it makes life more convenient for you. This could potentially end up as a safeguarding issue and then you'd have to explain to social workers why you tried to get her to do it

They may well be safer and happier in care homes.
If they are divorced they probably don't want to live together.