Mums poor decisions and impact on family

[AprilAlready]

My mum is terrible at making decisions about her health, then the rest of us get to run about and pick up the pieces, and I need some tips to help me deal with the anger I feel about it.

I think a lot of my anger is probably just sadness and fear at the future for her, but it's making me so mad.

Some examples, nurse visiting her at home wants her to go to the hospital immediately, and will arrange transportation as we were away. She refuses, next day I have to find out why/where, organise it and go with her. I was supposed to be working.

Won't wear her fall alert. Falls, lies all night until I deal with it in the morning, ambulance, hospital etc. Another day off work.

Decides she doesn't need her walking stick, well you can probably see where this is going. There are just the major things, there's loads of small things as well. She is generally quite independent, and likes to make her own decisions, and do things her way. She has always been like this, but now she's getting frail, has lots of health issues, and seems oblivious to the impact on her health and our time.

Could you write her a letter so she can read it several times and reflect on it?

We talk about each issue, then she does what she likes, so I'm going on the assumption that she won't change. I can only deal with my own actions and feelings, and I wouldn't leave her without help.

Does she have capacity and insight into things? I think that if she does, nothing will change as she knows you'll always be there to run after her and make everything OK.
Sorry as I know that's not positive or helpful!

Sympathy. Sounds like my MIL. Not sure what you can do really.

We had a similar issue with FIL, although we were hundreds of miles away so couldn't keep racing up the motorway. However, he had a very obliging neighbour who was at the end of her tether. We had to ask her not to try and help him or he wouldn't get the help he needed so the last time he fell she called the ambulance and waited but wouldn't help him up. He was furious (he was a very difficult man generally), he didn't want the ambulance called etc. etc. It was the right decision and things changed at that point but it was very hard for all concerned.

My MIL is very similar and it causes DH and his sister no end of challenges.

Have you consider getting her assessed to see if her care needs might require some carer hours? Get your mum into the system and take it from there.

Mine is like this too with my DF as a proxy - she's left decisions around installing a ramp, stairlift etc in their home far too late with pretty awful results. I find it extremely frustrating as you can see an iceberg appearing on the horizon and drifting towards them, yet nothing gets done until there's a crisis.

Does your DM stay in sheltered housing or her own house? It sounds like some of your issues would be solved if she had appropriate paid support around her. You have my sympathies though - I have tried to encourage DM to think a bit further in advance but apparently nothing is possible to plan for.

I find it extremely frustrating as you can see an iceberg appearing on the horizon and drifting towards them, yet nothing gets done until there's a crisis.

This absolutely sums up the situation. The irony is my MIL has a degenerative condition and has been attending conferences and workshops for nearly two decades with all sorts about forward planning and yet they don’t do a thing until absolute crisis point

My Nan was like this. She refused all sorts of help and support because she wanted my mum to run around after her. Endless cycles of falls, hospital stays, support packages put in place so that she could be discharged. Nan would then reject every piece of support once she was home. Mum was run ragged.

Eventually, Nan did have to move into a care home because mum couldn’t cope anymore. Even then, Nan still managed to have mum going in most days. It broke her.

Nan died in her 90s and I must admit a part of me was glad when she passed. Only because my mum was then free.

So my only piece of advice is to be very, very careful with how available you are. It might have to be the case that you don’t drop everything straight away.

I have some personal experience of a situation like this. If you’re anything like me you’re probably quite polite to older family members. But sadly you really need to let her know you’re cross, and emphasis the impact this is having on your work. Tell her you’ll be sacked if she carries on, and either she accepts home help or she goes into a home. It isn’t nice and it goes against your every instinct to be caring and respectful; but ‘gentle’ hints will be batted away or fall on deaf ears. I also find very elderly women simply don’t appreciate the world of work because they don’t have much experience with it, or they’ve been retired so long they’ve forgotten how you can’t just drop everything at a moments notice.

@oliviastwisted

My MIL is very similar and it causes DH and his sister no end of challenges.

Have you consider getting her assessed to see if her care needs might require some carer hours? Get your mum into the system and take it from there.

In our situation, we would get the help in and our relative would just ‘sack’ them within days or weeks at most.

I think sadly @bunfighters solution, as hard as it is, is the only logical one. If you withdraw a little then she has to accept help from elsewhere. I was talking to someone the other day who had started to do this. She hadn't had a holiday or break years because her mother refused help from elsewhere. Eventually she stopped being at her mother's beck and call. She still visited a couple of times a day, I imagine morning and teatime, but unless urgent medical help was needed refused to visit on request. Eventually her mother had to learn to accept the outside help. Whilst social services are seeing the family managing the day to day care, however badly they are coping, they won't step in.

It’s such a common problem isn’t it? My Fil is the same, very obstructive when we try to do something pro active, then expects help when the crisis hits. He has full capacity and knows what he’s doing, he just doesn’t think about how it impacts other people. My dh is more more tolerant of this than I am, it literally makes me fume. I refuse to get involved, but I worry about Dh.

You have to withdraw help. It is the only way, sadly. Our society has insufficient help and advice for people in this situation and the state relies on relatives and neighbours to make a patch job of helping. I believe people in this situation should be prohibited from living alone. My fil would still be alive it he’d gone into care, rather than staying at home in a bad situation.

How's her mental capacity? The fact that she'd rather lie on the floor all night than use the alarm strikes me as odd. Wouldn't it be you that got called if the alarm was activated anyway?

OP how old is your mum?

Very common. As a Dustrict Nurse I saw this regularly. Many of the elderly led on trollies in A&E are there for this reason. In and out like a revolving door. Preventable.
It's hard to do but time to step back. Often only when family stop propping up the situation and let a crisis develops will things change.

I sympathise, but I fully understand why your mum is like that. I worked as a carer for 20+ years, and every one of the elderly people I went to used to say they wouldn't want to go to hospital if they were ill or fell over.

Last year, I was in the unfortunate position of being on a ventilator for 2 weeks, awoke to find that I couldn't move, speak or swallow (for about a week) as I'd had a stroke - caused by the hospital giving me the wrong medication and making my BP go to 350 top figure. They told me all this, in writing, and over the 'phone, once was at home (weeks later) and sent me a written report of the full investigation that had been done.

That, plus the incredibly poor level of care I received whilst in hospital for 6 weeks, means that I'm not terrified of ever having to go into hospital for anything. My family members are under strict instructions never to ring for an ambulance or let me be taken into hospital. I've got a DNR in place. I'm 63 but would rather die than ever be an in-patient again. Perhaps your mum has a similar fear.

Stop. Just stop rescuing her from self-created crises. Practice saying you can’t help in front of the mirror, cos it feels impossible until you try.

I need to take my own advice here - doesn’t everyone in this situation?

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/how-to-cope-with-a-difficult-older/id1567190358?i=1000552542516 This is a really good podcast on this sort of thing

@AnyCakeButBattenburg

I sympathise, but I fully understand why your mum is like that. I worked as a carer for 20+ years, and every one of the elderly people I went to used to say they wouldn't want to go to hospital if they were ill or fell over.

Last year, I was in the unfortunate position of being on a ventilator for 2 weeks, awoke to find that I couldn't move, speak or swallow (for about a week) as I'd had a stroke - caused by the hospital giving me the wrong medication and making my BP go to 350 top figure. They told me all this, in writing, and over the 'phone, once was at home (weeks later) and sent me a written report of the full investigation that had been done.

That, plus the incredibly poor level of care I received whilst in hospital for 6 weeks, means that I'm not terrified of ever having to go into hospital for anything. My family members are under strict instructions never to ring for an ambulance or let me be taken into hospital. I've got a DNR in place. I'm 63 but would rather die than ever be an in-patient again. Perhaps your mum has a similar fear.

Until they are ill or fall over, then the vast vast majority don't refuse to go. I fact they're quite glad of being resuscitated or having their hips repaired etc. MIL said the same. Until she fell down the stairs she can't manage badly breaking her femur. Now back struggling at home and can barely walk. But despite pots of money, doesn't want to pay for carers! A common theme.

Does she have capacity? If not you can make decisions for her including if it's safe for her to live independently. If she does have capacity, will she listen to health care professional? Dp's dm didn't listen to him but would listen to the district nurse

I think sometimes elderly parents have difficulty in accepting the role reversal with their children and don't like to take advise even if it's for the best.
Slightly different situation but my elderly neighbour whose poor wife has done everything for him for the past 20 years got really upset with her when she decided to install a stair lift. He was very obstructive about it saying he hadn't agreed to it. The poor woman is at the end of her tether, she never gets a break and has to be with him 24 hours a day.

@Organictangerine

I have some personal experience of a situation like this. If you’re anything like me you’re probably quite polite to older family members. But sadly you really need to let her know you’re cross, and emphasis the impact this is having on your work. Tell her you’ll be sacked if she carries on, and either she accepts home help or she goes into a home. It isn’t nice and it goes against your every instinct to be caring and respectful; but ‘gentle’ hints will be batted away or fall on deaf ears. I also find very elderly women simply don’t appreciate the world of work because they don’t have much experience with it, or they’ve been retired so long they’ve forgotten how you can’t just drop everything at a moments notice.

This is it. My mother was the same until I gave her an absolute bollocking about how it was affecting us all. She did change somewhat following this.

@gogohm

Does she have capacity? If not you can make decisions for her including if it's safe for her to live independently. If she does have capacity, will she listen to health care professional? Dp's dm didn't listen to him but would listen to the district nurse

Capacity is assumed, so until someone proves she doesn't have capacity then she has capacity! It's also not as simple as establishing lack of capacity-that doesn't mean the OP can automatically make decisions about her mother. It's very tricky territory OP and what you're describing is so common. I would agree with others that you need to make abundantly clear to your mother and those who work with her that you cannot maintain the level of assistance you're currently providing, and then start to pull back.