Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Mums poor decisions and impact on family

87 replies

AprilAlready · 13/04/2022 11:03

My mum is terrible at making decisions about her health, then the rest of us get to run about and pick up the pieces, and I need some tips to help me deal with the anger I feel about it.

I think a lot of my anger is probably just sadness and fear at the future for her, but it's making me so mad.

Some examples, nurse visiting her at home wants her to go to the hospital immediately, and will arrange transportation as we were away. She refuses, next day I have to find out why/where, organise it and go with her. I was supposed to be working.

Won't wear her fall alert. Falls, lies all night until I deal with it in the morning, ambulance, hospital etc. Another day off work.

Decides she doesn't need her walking stick, well you can probably see where this is going. There are just the major things, there's loads of small things as well. She is generally quite independent, and likes to make her own decisions, and do things her way. She has always been like this, but now she's getting frail, has lots of health issues, and seems oblivious to the impact on her health and our time.

OP posts:
Roundeartheratchriatmas · 13/04/2022 17:01

Unfortunately while you continue to enable her to behave this way she isn’t going to stop doing it. Why would she - she’s getting the result she wants which is you running around after her.

Blossomtoes · 13/04/2022 17:11

@Roundeartheratchriatmas

Unfortunately while you continue to enable her to behave this way she isn’t going to stop doing it. Why would she - she’s getting the result she wants which is you running around after her.
I think that’s grossly unfair. For a period of about two years my parents had crisis after crisis, it wasn’t that they liked me running about after them but because they had enormous trouble coming to terms with losing their independence. It’s a very hard pill to swallow.

Having been where you are @AprilAlready, I have sympathies on both sides. Having seen the absolutely appalling treatment my dad had in hospital (he died ten days after his last stay), I fought tooth and nail to keep my mum out. I wouldn’t wish a care for the elderly ward on my worst enemy.

Unescorted · 13/04/2022 17:21

You have my sympathy - my mum is like this.

She is prescribed medication but refuses to take it.
Sacked the daily carers when my dad was bedbound.
Rings me to say she has an appointment and no one to take her..... 25 minutes before the appointment.

When I push back and say that I can accommodate the appointments if she gives me notice apparently I am being unreasonable because the Dr has to keep to the appointment list and may be running late so she can't tell me the appointment time in the first place, It doesn't matter that I have to cancel my meetings. I have given up being gentle which leads to blazing rows.

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 13/04/2022 17:34

There is a difference between struggling with something and behaving in such a manner that has a real negative impact on other people. One doesn’t justify the other.

Unfortunately I too have experience of someone doing this. While it was very sad how the situation came about the behaviour was not acceptable and was deeply unfair on others.

EmmaH2022 · 13/04/2022 18:20

@Roundeartheratchriatmas

There is a difference between struggling with something and behaving in such a manner that has a real negative impact on other people. One doesn’t justify the other.

Unfortunately I too have experience of someone doing this. While it was very sad how the situation came about the behaviour was not acceptable and was deeply unfair on others.

Exactly
Supersimkin2 · 13/04/2022 18:25

Agreed - we all struggle at times in life. Ruining someone else’s life isn’t the answer. Old or young, not OK.

Damaging the people you’re supposed to love - your children - is the most unacceptable form of this. It’s a huge shame so many family relationships are ruined by awful behaviour in old age.

Blossomtoes · 13/04/2022 18:31

It’s a huge shame so many family relationships are ruined by awful behaviour in old age

And yet so many aren’t. They’re only ruined if you allow them to be.

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 13/04/2022 18:43

@Blossomtoes

It’s a huge shame so many family relationships are ruined by awful behaviour in old age

And yet so many aren’t. They’re only ruined if you allow them to be.

Which was exactly my point. If OP continues to accept it this is what may well happen.
EmmaH2022 · 13/04/2022 18:49

@Blossomtoes

It’s a huge shame so many family relationships are ruined by awful behaviour in old age

And yet so many aren’t. They’re only ruined if you allow them to be.

If my mum behaved like this, and did so whil of sound mind, I’d not be able to forgive.
LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 13/04/2022 18:52

I see so much of this. It gives me the rage.

As above - a good bollocking, and just say no. She falls and won’t call the careline? You call careline/ambulance for her. She won’t go to hospital? Fine, she doesn’t go.

Very old Sunday School story I was told a billion years ago

There’s a flood and a chap is stuck on the roof. The waters are rising. A fireman offers to carry him out “No thanks, the lord will provide” A passing boat offers him a lift “no thanks, the Lord will provide”. The waters rise. A helicopter passes over “No thanks, the lord will provide”. The waters rise over his head and he drowns. “Lord, why didnt you provide?” “I sent you a fireman and a boat and a helicopter, what more did you want?”

Either you carry on helping her and ruining your own life and resenting her, or you force her to accept the help that will allow you to have a good healthy relationship. Your choice I’m afraid.

Sprucewillis · 13/04/2022 19:12

You need to tell your DM you have no time left to take off for emergencies. Tell her if she is offered help she must take it because you won't be available at short notice unless it's an emergency situation.

Tell her if she wants to remain independent in her own home for as long as possible she needs to take greater responsibility for her well-being. She needs to carry the fall alarm etc otherwise after all of the recent mishaps she's going to end up moving before she would like. This is not a threat, but it will be the outcome if she continues like this.

I am assuming you don't have limitless annual leave and an employer who allows you to take leave whenever you want with no prior notice. You probably also have people in your family that rely on you and there's your own well-being to consider.

People can become so focused on their own needs they sometimes forget to consider the impact on others (often until it all blows up).

Maybe say to her 'what are you going to do so this doesn't happen again, because I can't take anymore time off and you don't want to stay in hospital/a home' etc.

Good luck OP Thanks

LaQuern · 13/04/2022 19:34

Both my parents were like this.

Step back, let it tip over.

This will save your sanity I promise you, when it comes to elderly parents frequently the right thing isn't the nice thing

NorthSouthcatlady · 13/04/2022 20:17

You mum needs to feel the consequences of her actions, if you keep on saving the day then she has no real motivation to change. It must be nice to imagine you have unlimited annual leave to spend on her and her “emergencies” but that’s sadly not the reality

Supersimkin2 · 13/04/2022 21:35

The right thing is the nice thing - long term. It’s in no one’s best interests to become a horror.

Blossomtoes · 13/04/2022 21:39

@Supersimkin2

The right thing is the nice thing - long term. It’s in no one’s best interests to become a horror.
I agree. When mine died my greatest comfort was that I couldn’t have done more.
Original poster
AprilAlready · 13/04/2022 22:43

There’s a lot to think about here, thank you all. I need to find some time to read over this and think about next steps

OP posts:
AnyCakeButBattenburg · 14/04/2022 07:00

cptartapp Oh well, you're obviously far more knowledgeable than I am......

cptartapp · 14/04/2022 07:58

Over thirty years of nursing in primary and secondary care gives you a pretty good overview.

AndSoFinally · 14/04/2022 10:20

It's very hard, OP.

As we get older our frontal lobes become less functional. These frontal lobes are our "executive function" lobes. We need them to do higher cognitive tasks such as predicting the likely outcomes of our behaviour (so we don't realise the possible results of not using a stick), new learning (so we can't remember to wear a falls monitor), empathy (so we don't realise the impact of our behaviour on others), as well as other things.

I don't know if this helps at all, but it is a well recognised behavioural change as a result of an aging brain. It's not deliberate. Doesn't make it any easier to cope with, though.

TalesOfDrunkennessAndCruelty · 14/04/2022 10:43

I can’t add much here, beyond saying I recognise so much of what you say. My parent is frequently complaining about various ailments, but won’t approach the GP for help and turned down a hospital appointment when it was eventually offered for one long-standing problem. I am trying very hard to step back and to point out that I am not a substitute for the GP.

Very interesting point above about the frontal lobe …

Organictangerine · 14/04/2022 11:42

@Blossomtoes well, lucky you being in a position to slot your life in around elderly relatives. Some of us aren’t in a position to do this 🤷🏼‍♀️ so stop with the guilt tripping.

Blossomtoes · 14/04/2022 11:58

[quote Organictangerine]@Blossomtoes well, lucky you being in a position to slot your life in around elderly relatives. Some of us aren’t in a position to do this 🤷🏼‍♀️ so stop with the guilt tripping.[/quote]
Oh do give over. An alternative view isn’t guilt tripping. You have no idea whether I was lucky or what sacrifices I might have made to do what I considered to be the right thing.

Organictangerine · 14/04/2022 12:01

Of course it is Blossom. Because your ‘alternative view’ is something that isn’t achievable for the majority of adults. Well, not without quitting their jobs, having to uproot their families and move halfway across the country or similar. If an elderly relative expects you to do that, they’re the unreasonable one. It would be much better if people put a bit of planning in to their old age and moved into suitable accommodation before it became an urgent need, and spent some of their precious cash on home help.

Blossomtoes · 14/04/2022 13:04

It would be much better if people put a bit of planning in to their old age and moved into suitable accommodation before it became an urgent need, and spent some of their precious cash on home help

Mine did that. I also planned and ensured I was living close enough to help them when they were frail. No stairs, a cleaner and carers four times a day still wasn’t enough.

No luck was involved.

Justmuddlingalong · 14/04/2022 13:11

While she can rely on you to pick up the pieces, she doesn't have to take any responsibility. She sees you as her safety net. Hard though it is, you have to withdraw a bit and not constantly change your life/work/plans to be available to her, when she's made another bad decision.