Mums poor decisions and impact on family

[AprilAlready]

My mum is terrible at making decisions about her health, then the rest of us get to run about and pick up the pieces, and I need some tips to help me deal with the anger I feel about it.

I think a lot of my anger is probably just sadness and fear at the future for her, but it's making me so mad.

Some examples, nurse visiting her at home wants her to go to the hospital immediately, and will arrange transportation as we were away. She refuses, next day I have to find out why/where, organise it and go with her. I was supposed to be working.

Won't wear her fall alert. Falls, lies all night until I deal with it in the morning, ambulance, hospital etc. Another day off work.

Decides she doesn't need her walking stick, well you can probably see where this is going. There are just the major things, there's loads of small things as well. She is generally quite independent, and likes to make her own decisions, and do things her way. She has always been like this, but now she's getting frail, has lots of health issues, and seems oblivious to the impact on her health and our time.

My Dad is 82, and turning into a monster of epic proportions.

You have my absolute sympathy OP. What I want to do is scream and shout and stamp my feet, but instead I just carry on enabling his behaviour.

I used to work in care and thought people were truly awful for neglecting relatives..... now I understand why.

My mum now lives in a ground floor sheltered flat
With lifeline emergency pull cords in each room
She has wrapped the cords round each unit tightly
"What do I need those for?? I'll just phone you!..." 🙄🤷‍♀️

@Blossomtoes

It would be much better if people put a bit of planning in to their old age and moved into suitable accommodation before it became an urgent need, and spent some of their precious cash on home help

Mine did that. I also planned and ensured I was living close enough to help them when they were frail. No stairs, a cleaner and carers four times a day still wasn’t enough.

No luck was involved.

What if yours and your DHs parents live many miles apart? Any ideas? Also if you can’t move your job or afford to live where they do? Or you’re disabled yourself and can’t help? Etc etc etc

Well bully for you Blossomtoes, ain't you the saint.

I also find very elderly women simply don’t appreciate the world of work because they don’t have much experience with it, or they’ve been retired so long they’ve forgotten how you can’t just drop everything at a moments notice. The world of work has changed hugely in-the last 20 years too. Especially at the lower end.

I believe people in this situation should be prohibited from living alone “People in this situation” may well be you in 30 years time.

@AndSoFinally Very interesting about frontal lobe, thanks for that

@countrygirl99

Well bully for you Blossomtoes, ain't you the saint.

No, of course I’m not a saint. Don’t be so ridiculous.

I have to agree with your last but one sentence. But maybe cut the sanctimony about what you did.

Well this elderly group chat is a revelation. I have been struggling with all of these things @AprilAlready
Just back from hol and rang on day coming back ‘Are you back yet?’ Not a hello. Not a ‘did you have fun’. I feel sick about it all. My job is so important but I’m not sure I can take on further responsibilities if I go for a promotion because of it all really. But I need to as partner’s job unreliable.

Btw @Blossomtoes is right. If I don’t do my best, I’ll feel guilt when she goes, plus relatives already getting involved making me feel bad. But that is low confidence in myself. The whole situation is just awful so I feel for you OP. And we have all the help @Blossomtoes outlined because I’ve organised it all. It still isn’t enough. I’m thinking nursing home next stop. But how do you even begin to go there by yourself with no other family support? The relationship is being ruined as it is. Whether you’re run ragged or not, the whole thing is enough to make you depressed. Plus on top of that, my elderly mum is making terrible choices re her diet (diabetic) so she is constantly in hospital.

@AprilAlready you have my sympathy. My Father is like this, as was my mother (who did die after a fall,when they’d both refused help). And my aunt. I’ve left my aunt to it as she was too unpleasant.

I’ve also stopped trying to persuade my father of anything. Really backed off. He’s an adult with capacity and if he chooses a miserable existence then it’s sad, but entirely his choice. I do help when asked to with calls to services, but have stopped facilitating all the drama.

I would definitely not take days off work @AprilAlready. I’ve set boundaries in place where I can’t help if I have work or if my children need me, etc.

So mum was expecting a visit sometime this weekend, no particular Easter plans as we never have any, but I’ve not been well. She phoned today to ask if I could bring her ice cream when I visit, and I said I was in bed unwell. Reply: everyone is letting me down.

I pointed out at least it wasn’t something important/urgent, and she had a moan about how the neighbour said she would go, then changed her mind. Still hadn’t asked after my health I suggested she have a list so we can do a weekly shop instead of daily (whatever comes into her head) and she was surprised as how does she know in advance??

She said she might go herself, with a broken ankle she should not be weight bearing on, but is anyway, because she doesn’t like the Zimmer frame. So have to admit my reply was not very empathetic , told her to not be so fecking ridiculous and hung up, as otherwise I had a lot more to say :(

Her main complaint at the moment is she wants a room repainted as she doesn’t like the colour any more. No acknowledgment of all the time we have spent over there for actual needs. And the room was decorated two years ago, nothing wrong with it.

We had a fall out 30 years ago and didn’t talk for years, and I wish I’d kept to NC. Feels a bit late for it now she actually needs me.

Maybe I need to find somewhere remote and scream into the void.

Scream here @AprilAlready!

I do my dad’s shopping online weekly. Could that work? I offered the same to my aunt, she refused, so I just left her to it with the phone number for Morrisons home delivery.

Your mum can get a painter in herself if she wants it done. Remember, it’s not your problem!

Hope you’re feeling better

Same here also!! Totally relate to this behaviour. I’ve had it this weekend and it makes me not want to visit. I do an online food shop once a week. Latest on that is the meals aren’t good enough.

I absolutely understand where you're coming from - you've just described my mum!
I'm now a carer for both my parents after my mum had several mini strokes & a triple heart bypass & my dad had a heart attack in February!
My mum is unsteady on her feet & has physio a couple of times a week.
Good Friday, she decided to walk unaided, fell over & hurt her rib cage. Now all I've had all pigging weekend is her huffing & puffing & complaining her ribs hurt (I suspect they're bruised, not broken) She decided today she wanted to go to hospital so I rang 111 & advised mum that because it's Easter BH, staff are going to be on a skeleton crew & she'll be sitting around for hours. She then quickly decided she doesn't want to go now & is happy being propped up in bed. I'm only 46 & don't know how much more of this I can stand. It's been like this since 2017 🤦🏼‍♀️

Hey @Duchess379 I am 44 and everyone else’s mums seem to be fighting fit and help them emotionally and all the rest. It’s so hard, isn’t it?

Hi @AprilAlready so much this! I have pleaded with my mum for years to give me POA she is so obstinate. I have told her over and over that she is just storing up misery for me it's so selfish.

We did set it up eventually but when the final letters came from the OPG she objected! To her own POA. I was so furious. In some ways she's done me a favour though as now she doesn't have capacity and would like me to make decisions I have to tell her that I can't.

She calls me asking me to come up, I have agencies left right and centre calling me at all hours. They literally expect me to drop everything. I'm a single parent with a full time job but the only thing that saves my sanity is that I live 200 miles away so they can't expect me to come every time.

Last time I went up I crashed my car on the motorway I swear she couldn't have cared less. The car has been in the garage for weeks (no parts) and she constantly asks when I'm coming. Maybe it's that frontal lobe thing PP mentioned but it's pretty hurtful that your mum doesn't even ask how you are when you've been in a crash on the M1.

I think by this stage we're just a resource.

She's had a bloody great retirement and if I've got any chance of a reasonable one myself I have to keep working.

Sympathy OP it's evident we're not alone.

This actually very helpful, thank you. I do need to work on my own empathy, and that she’s not doing it deliberately

It’s been helpful to hear from others in the same situation, at least I’m not alone, and it’s clearly a common situation.

it’s been a frustrating day as we were back at the hospital this morning. Appointment took most of the morning, then on the way home she says I may as well take my lunch now given the time. Seemed most put out when I pointed out I can’t take lunch having been missing from work for hours and will have to work late to catch up. Seems that is me enjoying making her feel bad, and not just the reality.

I’m reminded of thinking teachers only existed within the school when I was little 😂

Anyway, its Friday, it’s sunny, and all is well. Have a great weekend everyone

My father has always lacked empathy. Nothing to do with age related change.

This is the thing @WouldBeGood you get a lot of people saying "oh it's the disease it's so cruel you have to remember it's not really her" but you think to yourself well they've always been like this.

Oh yes. My parent has had the same traits for years, too. Old age has exaggerated them (and I suppose other more positive traits have faded away, making the less positive traits more prominent) but they’re not new.

Yes, @OhamIreally when my dad was in hospital recently they rang me up ask if he was demented or just horrible 🤣

It is very very hard, OP.

I have been through it.

I think you need to be a bit tough and very consistent so that her own new reality (needing more help) is harder for her to deny to herself, and your availability has consistent boundaries, so that that becomes her reality too.

Tell her (repeat it with the same script calmly every time) that you cannot take more time off work for appointments: you have had xx days and you will lose your job if you take more.

It sounds as if she could b eligible for Attendance Allowance, which is not means tested and can be spent on any kind of support.

We had to more or less force my mother to accept a carer for an hour each morning, but once she got used to it it was a source of security for her.

That reminds me that, when my parent was in hospital and, frankly, being horrible, the nurse took me outside to give me a hug!

Passive aggression at its finest!