Mums poor decisions and impact on family

[AprilAlready]

My mum is terrible at making decisions about her health, then the rest of us get to run about and pick up the pieces, and I need some tips to help me deal with the anger I feel about it.

I think a lot of my anger is probably just sadness and fear at the future for her, but it's making me so mad.

Some examples, nurse visiting her at home wants her to go to the hospital immediately, and will arrange transportation as we were away. She refuses, next day I have to find out why/where, organise it and go with her. I was supposed to be working.

Won't wear her fall alert. Falls, lies all night until I deal with it in the morning, ambulance, hospital etc. Another day off work.

Decides she doesn't need her walking stick, well you can probably see where this is going. There are just the major things, there's loads of small things as well. She is generally quite independent, and likes to make her own decisions, and do things her way. She has always been like this, but now she's getting frail, has lots of health issues, and seems oblivious to the impact on her health and our time.

I could have written your post April, I've been having the same battles for the last three years, but the impact of the stress on my health has just come into sharp focus as I've been diagnosed with cancer - a usually curable one - but I've got to have an op so will be out of action for a while - but I have no obvious risk factors other than the stress. I did manage to persuade her to have carers after a crisis, that was a fight, but she stopped them because of Covid and is still very risk averse, which I do understand, but it's made me realise I can't pick up the pieces for her choices, sad though it is. I wish she'd moved to sheltered housing but I think she's now left it too late. I called social services a couple of weeks ago, and they can't do a huge amount without her consent, but they will do me a carers assessment and I may get a personal budget to support me. There's a long waiting list, but they did call to see if my mum needed anything urgently.

@TalesOfDrunkennessAndCruelty I think it’s quite reassuring when others recognise there’s an issue 😃

@AprilAlready you might find solidarity/help/somewhere to scream on the Cockroach Cafe thread

www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4500497-Cockroach-cafe-Spring-2022

I completely totally and utterly understand and you have my sympathies.

I think this is true of my mother as well. She has always been like it. I love her but it’s not how I want to treat my children.

I had a conversation with my DM yesterday on the back of this thread and listening to the Annelisa Barbieri podcast someone recommended. The outcome was that she was absolutely insistent that she didn't need any further help. She said "I'm all right" and I said (a bit tearfully by now) that I wasn't, but this doesn't factor at all in her decision making, which upsets me. It's not so much the little jobs, but the overall holding her well-being in mind, I want someone else to share the load. I have to focus on myself the next couple of months, and will be having an operation, and she said to me that I should stop going round to see how she copes. That's not what I want, I just want her to have someone in an hour a week to start off with to troubleshoot things with her, but what I want seems irrelevant. It's so frustrating, but maybe I do need to walk away. I do wonder whether some of it is cognitive impairment meaning she's not thinking properly.

Same here. Care package would be set up for mum, dad would cancel it.
It was a safeguarding issue in the end but get anyone to listen was a dreadful struggle.
it ended up with both of them going into a care home.

My DGM could be like this. She did accept some help but sometimes it felt like it was always something. We would be running around sorting things out sometimes even after it was resolved.

I think it was about attention which I get but I was a single parent working full time and I couldn't just drop everything.

OP you’ve had lots of great suggestions
all I can add is my experience with DF who came to live with us after first lockdown. He was clearly losing some capacity in some way but able to keep up coping up to a point until a cliff-fall moment when he became clearly demented in March 2021. During the lockdown of 20/21 winter he was more and more unable to keep himself safe - just downright refusing to bear safety in mind and getting really belligerent about it. I remember actually physically demonstrating to him what happens if you try and stand up from a wheelchair with the foot supports in place (dramatically falling forward over said foot supports face down on floor) - but he still carried on doing it, not to mention walking without support or driving his mobility scooter like Sterling Moss.

what I’ve realised in the year since is that some quite complicated thing we’re going on… and sadly doll some of them involved him deliberately putting himself in harms way because he felt he was losing control. I actually think he was disregarding his own safety because sometimes he felt that was an easy way out.

Your experience is much more common than people would believe. Ive experienced it 4 times! I’ve come to the conclusion that for the most part, it is a sign of ageing and therefore not something people can be held accountable for. A bit like trying to reason with a 3 year old.

Some examples, nurse visiting her at home wants her to go to the hospital immediately, and will arrange transportation as we were away. She refuses, next day I have to find out why/where, organise it and go with her. I was supposed to be working

"That's a real shame that you turned her down Mum, you're going to have to ring her up and re-arrange it. I'm afraid I haven't got time to sort it for you.

repeat

repeat

repeat

If you don't make yourself less available, you will continue to be taken advantage of.