Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@MereDintofPandiculation just realised I misread doesn't as does🤦‍♀️

It's alarming how the veneer of civilisation flakes away as we age. I worry occasionally about what I'll be like! My dad was so lovely when he was very ill. He didn't have much language left, but it was all 'How lovely to see you' and 'So kind!'.

I was discussing this with my DSis a few days ago and we thought, based on our experience of elderly relatives, that we keep the personality that we've always had but it gets "more concentrated" as we age, so a selfish person gets more selfish, a quiet person becomes more introverted, an angry person more angry.

My sister collapsed at home this morning & has been taken to A&E by ambulance. One of the suggested reasons for the collapse is exhaustion & stress. My DM really is the limit - DSis was lying in the hallway where she'd collapsed while paramedics examined her, DM was at the top of stairs. DBiL came out of bathroom & went to go down stairs. DM clung on to him telling him she was unwell and if he left her she'd collapse and fall down the stairs.

I got a message to say DM was distraught about DSis so I thought I'd better go round. Almost her first words to me was a complaint that no one had given her any breakfast. 🙄.

I am also annoyed because I found out that she gives my niece money for petrol and £200 spending money for a weekend away. All the miles and hours I've driven her and all I get is "you'll get your reward in heaven" Petrol at £1.80 a litre - I could do with a bit of recompense on Earth.

Mums copd is flaring up today so she's on her steriod rescue pack.
She did pop up for dhs bday tea and cake earlier, but had half a cup of tea and no cake 🤷‍♀️
She's really not well at all but the Drs are not interested. As she has capacity I cannot talk to them about her/her health.
She has a phone consultation on 7th July to discuss the repeat bloods (again) so something is still not right...she won't let me phone them and ask for a sooner one.
She is drinking a fortisip per day for "breakfast" but that's only 300 calories.
Pil cane round too. It's clear that he does have parkinsons now.
What a shitshow

Hmm. It's so hard to eat solid food when your chest is bad. Does she like Complan?

Its usually fine tbh.
She has about 2 flare ups a year - one in summer and one in winter.
The not eating thing is since her last bout of sepsis (2 months ago)

Poor thing. Does she get oral thrush alongside the treatment? Grim if so.

No, not complan.
I've been trying to tempt her with her favourite things but....
She's told ds1 she wants a macdonalds so he's taking her tomorrow:)

I'm not sure.
The copd nurse recently changed her inhaler..

If she'll let you have a look in her mouth just see if it looks unusual - tongue coated or white spots on the tongue or very dark red might indicate thrush. You can't diagnose it formally without a direct test but the treatment is a mouth gel or a pill so usually doctors will just prescribe some to try. It can affect taste is what I'm thinking.

I'll have a look tomorrow thank you

@ChiswickFlo It must be difficult that your DM's GP won't talk to you. I'm lucky in that my DM's doctors always talk to me, both over the phone and f2f. I don't know how we'd manage otherwise.

Tbh even if she didnt have capacity I'd be very lucky to get to speak to someone!

I had urgent bloods don't last week. I got a text yesterday for a phone consultation to discuss with a Dr for...23rd June!

I'm so worried about winter...how on earth we'll get timely access to healthcare locally is beyond me

@MissMarplesNiece I hear you on the stingy with petrol vs spending on other things - I recently had to sit down and be quite blunt with DM about it and she agreed to transfer me and DSis some funds for expenses.

If both you and your sister are getting ill with stress then you do need to sort something else for your DM though.

I had an episode of really bad depression about 18 months ago (and got put on antidepressants and put on weight and got prediabetes), which was partly due to my DM being very difficult to deal with. After this I realised my actions were going to shorten my own life if I kept jumping through hoops for DM and I needed to take a step back.

The inevitable has happened. FIL had 2 bad falls yesterday. First was in the morning, luckily during MILs carer visit so they got him up. Then he had to use his pendant alarm and we got woken by a call from them about 10.30. DH couldn't go as we had wine this evening so BIL is over there now waiting for the ambulance. DH has managed to get back to sleep and is snoring away but I'm wide awake.

I think - I dint mean to offend - that in the long run it's good that this has happened.

It's usually a crisis or series of crises that mean SS or LA finally get involved.

It's distressing, Obviously, but can be the catalyst for more interventions.

Mum very quiet yesterday. I've got to wait in for my new washing machine this morning so won't see her until later today.

Really sorry to hear that countrygirl, did you get any sleep?

Just poking my nose in the door for a rant - mum is now in a care home, yay.
I'm girding my loins for battle royal today because I will not clear her flat and Social Services think it should be up to me to collect her things. Apparently it's "stressful" for her that she's still paying rent on the flat.
I have no idea how many times I have to tell them, it is not a matter of picking up a couple of bags of clothes. It's a rented flat and it needs to be cleaned. She is/was a hoarder: there's a broken microwave in the wardrobe, bin bags full of old magazines, piles of clothes and shoes.
It needs a deep clean before she gives notice, and she will need to pay for that, and for the damaged fittings to be replaced. We can't afford it - and I bloody wouldn't pay for her damage, even if we could! - and if she can be ringing me 5 times in the early hours of the morning on her mobile like she did overnight, she can bloody well speak to people herself.

Adult Social Care can go piss up a rope.

Please tell.them exactly that @MrsRussell ! 🙂

I'm just not bloody doing it @ChiswickFlo!!!
FOUR times they rang me yesterday, while I was at work. I asked the social worker to call me back today on another number and guess what? She rang me again at work yesterday.
I mean, I could just give notice on her flat on her behalf, and let them take her to court for the damage. Which they would - we're not talking about a couple of handprints on the paintwork here, but things needing to be totally replaced. (Furniture stained with body fluids, kind of thing. You see why I'm not up for that....)

Omg.
Can you block the social workers number?
That's so out of order.
Ime they do - eventually - give up but it feels like a war of attrition for a while.
I think sometimes you do need to just drop a hand grenade in there ..(so, giving notice on your mums flat for example)
It's the only way to get them to pay attention to what you are saying sometimes:(

@MrsRussell I wouldn't be giving notice on the flat on her behalf, your position has to be "nothing to do with me" so your mum can give notice on her own flat (or have the social worker assist her with that). If you do it then you've stepped over the line into being involved in the situation. It's not your flat, it's not your stuff, it's not your problem unless you make it so. We are not required to care for our parents, if the past relationship has been manipulative/abusive/distant then why should one adult be forced into care for their abuser? Not all families are close and loving.

If someone dies in the community with no identifiable family then social services will do everything, secure any valuables, attempt to find family, arrange the funeral, clear the house. The social worker has access to someone who is already an expert at this and has contacts for specialist cleaning. If I could remember what the team was called it would be a help but that was twenty years ago and I've slept since then.

I came away from mum's yesterday with the boot full, the back seat of the car full and the front footwell packed. However much work you think it is, it's more than that and that's just a normal house.

When people have died at mums sheltered housing complex who had no family the council empty it and dispose of belongings.

That's shocking @MrsRussell you stick to your guns.
Finally got tosleep about 2. Paramedics put him in bed and told him to use his walker. At least the social worker is going in today

@MrsRussell I know a little about this as used to do the clearing bit! The person doesn't have to die for adult services to step in. If she's now in a home, they should do something called 'protection of property ' which is basically listing everything in the flat and removing anything of obvious value (ie money, jewellery, which they then lock in a safe along with a very detailed list of what has been removed)
They also arrange the deep clean and removal of rubbish, keep repeating that you are not doing it, can't afford it etc and they have to charge her for it.

Things are starting to look up. FIL has accepted (again and hopefully finally) that he can't cope with MIL anymore and SS are looking for a place in an urgent basis.
My jumper turned up. Someone at the other end of the village got back from holiday on Friday and it had been left in their shed. The house number on the parcel was not one we have ever lived at it and I've checked she has the right address in her address book so 🤷‍♀️