Would it be easier if Mum just went into a home?

[oapcarer]

Bit of background. Mum is 79, lives alone and has dementia. Recently, she had a hip replacement and spent a long time in hospital. This has definitely made her dementia worse. I phoned a local advisory service who reassured us that this is likely to improve and will visit to advise next week.

At the moment, we have carers come in 4x a day to administer meds and meals and they say she is not cooperating, which she did before she went into hospital but, at that stage, she only had them in once a day.

My sister and I are both local, although we are both struggling to juggle both family, jobs and Mum's needs. Mum has always been needy since Dad died over 10 years ago but, obviously, dementia has made it worse. Because my work is part time, I have taken the bulk of the mental load re my mother but, after a hospital stay followed by a dementia diagnosis, I have had to defer to my sister more and more, which is causing friction as she is a sole trader and doesn't have time to pitch in with appointments, phone calls, chats with carers. I increased my hours a couple of years ago out of financial necessity (2 teenagers, one at university locally). I now work 5 days per week but it is 6 hr days and it's shift work so I am around 2-3 half days in the week .

I have just got off the phone with my sister about Mum going into a home and she feels it would be easier on us in the long run, which may be the case but we will have a huge job ahead of us in cleaning the house and sorting out the finances as we will be self-funding. I am having a few struggles with the kids (normal teenage stuff, mostly) and, to be honest, I will struggle to fit the house clearance in. My sister insists she will help but, to be fair, if she is short on time now, it is going to fall on me. Also, just because she is in the home, we will still have to visit, liaise with carers etc, won't we? Will it really be less work?

Anyone been through the same?

It might be better to bite the bullet now, rather than say in 12 months time when you are even more drained, tired, split between, work, children, relationships etc etc when the task will seem even more huge. Could you give your sister specific tasks - eg sorting out the linen cupboard or something. So rather than having a huge mountain to climb take small chunks. You could do this whilst your mum is still at home. If you let it carry on this way you will become resentful of your sister who has perhaps put in place stronger boundaries than you as well as thinking you have 'free time' when you haven't.

Oh, and yes! It will be less work to do it now.

I don't have exactly your experience but I would say that it is likely she will have to go into a home as her dementia progresses, so you will be facing this hurdle at some stage anyway. I assume you have POA for finances and health/wellbeing?

And yes, having my Mum in a home did make things much easier - there was still a lot to do but the nitty gritty of day to day management of meals, carers etc was all taken care of; the GP visited the home a couple of times a week; the home arranged lots of activities and trips. So we could focus on having fun.

I suggest you make sure the home your mum goes to offers nursing as well as residential care so she doesn't have to move again later on.

Can't advise from the future how much easier it will be, but we're in the same place atm (grandad, 80, just out of hospital for a bypass, dementia, my mum is the only one who is helping him, and he refuses to have the carers in any more. She is in the process of sorting PoA).

I think it will be for the best. It will be a lot of work short term, but whenever you do it, it will be no different, so if it needs doing now, then needs must.

Do it.
She’s got time to settle in before deteriorates. Consistent carers. 24 hr help if help all good.

My dad went into care after mum died. He had dementia. He blossomed / put on weight , walked more and had quite a nice time for about 9m till he deteriorated and died - looked after in the home by people who knew him. I visited most days and took him out often.

( previously mum had been mentally intact but physically very unwell. So they didn’t go out as she couldn’t and heck , we didn’t realise but because she wasn’t hungry they shared a 1 person ready meal and ge never knew if he was hungry or not cos of the dementia so just ate what he was given )

It helped that dad had always been “ institutionalised “😂. Thr one day he was an utter mess clothing wise was because they wanted him to choose. My mum always put his clothes out so he want going to start deciding which shirt when he had dementia 😂😂

Also we had a splendid “ accident report call “ very apologetic . “ sorry your dad had a wee fall , he’s ok though …. Yes we took them to Weston and he missed the bench and and ended up on the floor on the sea front “ 🥰

It's a good idea to start looking round at availability of care homes in your area anyway, visit a few, find out about what activities they've got, look at reviews , try and get an idea of the 'feel' of them, can you picture your mum living there . Most residential homes will care for people with dementia needs, but check with the home if there will be a point where she needs full time nursing care, if they can still care for her at the same place .

If you are self funding you will have more choice. I was surprised that the prices we were quoted didn't always seem in line with the facilities there .

If your mum is willing to accept moving into a care home at an earlier stage, rather than when it's absolutely necessary, it may be better for her in the long run . My parents moved into a home at the point where the full time carer we had was no longer able to manage my dad's needs at home. I think they would both have benefited had they moved in around 12 months earlier .

Agree with PP, it can take a bit of time to get the placement sorted. Speak to GP, get an assessment, find a place, get on the waiting list.

It's very hard to support someone with dementia. I don't think that a single family can do it long term.

Get an outside team in to help sort the house. Visit and take her out and relax knowing that she is safe when you are not there.

I'm in a similar position but mum is still able to cope on her own at the mo . She hasn't been diagnosed but her capacity is definitely reduced !
I will put her in a home as soon as I feel she would benefit over the life she currently has . Selling and clearing a house isn't that bad . I did my parents house after dad died and it was huge with loads of outbuildings . I used auction houses and clearance people and it all paid for itself . You could just get someone to empty the house and put it all in storage and deal with it at a later date if it's too much now . Of course you would have to pay but it could come out the estate .

My dad is in a care home and yes, it is definitely less work. They are doing all the difficult day to day stuff. I am visiting and looking after his finances, which is manageable.

I am not (any more) spending so much time worrying, negotiating, dealing with minor (or major) emergencies or sitting listening to him complain.

He's also better nourished, cleaner and more cheerful than he's been since my mum died four years ago.

In terms of clearing the house out, I have also just been through that process and we basically took a week off and blitzed it with the help of a house clearance company. It was physically and emotionally difficult, but I'm glad we did it that way instead of letting it drag on. I have kept plenty of family momentos to worth through in my own time, but the hard work is done and the burden of looking after someone else's home has been lifted.

Oh yes, do it now. Definitely. My mum is at home bed bound with lates stage dementia. I so wish she had been in a home months ago but circumstances weren't right for us sadly. We have four visits a day, still not enough care, so there's constant stress about that, worry about looking after her at the end and then there will still be house clearance etc. Do it now.

Do it.
Dementia doesn't get better, only stabilises or gets worse.
Sort through the house, take specific items you or your sister want to keep, sort items for Mum to take into the home. Get house clearance to sort the rest. It will take you forever otherwise as you'll get sidetracked.
Might sound a bit cold, but I've walked the path with my sisters. Mum gets better care, is better looked after and you get better sleep, not worrying all the time.
It's a hard call. We had to depend on social services (no house or savings) and didn't ultimately have a choice, but if you can self fund, at least you get a better choice of home.
Good luck OP

I would absolutely do it now, what she has isn't working that well and it will get worse

Sorry you are in this situation

I would def say home. My Nan wanted to stay in her home. She had career but my mum would go round 4-5 times a week,1hr20 round trip in good traffic. Whilst working full time (shift work). It was so draining on my mum, the dementia understandably made my nan frustrated and angry, and it was a relief when my nan's physical health resulted in a hospital visit and it was decided that she needed to go in a home.

My mum said she felt like she was her daughter again.

Selling her home was hard but they tackled in room by room and had charities collect most of her furniture and other things she no longer needed like everything in her kitchen.

The result has made both us all more conscious of our own houses and we're sorting out our lofts so that it is easier when the time comes.

Absolutely start looking for places, we were lucky and a place came up just as we enquired.

There will be a flurry of effort required to get get settled, case conferences while her needs are assessed then it's much simpler.

You are left with visits, financial admin and the knowledge that she is safe, warm and fed 24hrs per day.

No more liaising with carers and all the follow up required, no hospital and doctors appointments. No more house admin and maintenance required.

As for the existing house, put it on the market for sale or to rent. Have family etc collect anything you might want or need. Then arrange a house clearance firm. It's really very straightforward.

Good luck.

Yup do it now. It’s not getting better. My mother just put herself in her care home ( no diagnosis of dementia but wouldn’t be surprised if on the road). She ll hAte lack of independence but it’s not v independent to ring someone 5 times a day like mine including to say she wants a sandwich. (Even my five year old was eh??! ) care homes have such a bad rep but hopefully one she is on is nice and she’s warm and safe . It takes ages tho to find right one, sell house , get assessed, clear house, do admin so plan to take time off - but then it’s done!

Oh it’s so hard isn’t it and upsetting. I’m in a similar position. My Mum broke her hip 2 months ago, has been in 2 hospitals and now in a rehab place. She has Alzheimer’s but previously was mobile, still knew us all but very repetitive and forgetful. The last week and a half she’s developed Delirium - barely speaking, refusing food, meds etc making it very difficult for staff. They’ve said her best chance is to come home with carers 4 times a day in the hope that her home environment will aid some small recovery. My Dad is 86 next month and good for his age but I think it’ll be too much for him - I know Mum won’t eat for him either or take meds, she’s in pads and a catheter and needs to be hoisted. He’s keen to get her home to see if she improves but I’m thinking now we should bite the bullet and find a lovely nursing home for her but a little bit of me also wants to give her the chance at home but it will be so hard for Dad and me and sisters who are all juggling jobs, family etc. need to chat with Dad.

What does your mother think? If she’s not ready, and she’s not yet deemed to have lost capacity to make safe decisions, then you’ve not got a cat in hell’s chance.
I’m assuming that she has a social worker as she was discharged from hospital? If not, speak to the local adult services team to get one in and have a thorough assessment of her needs done.

@FinallyHere

Absolutely start looking for places, we were lucky and a place came up just as we enquired.

There will be a flurry of effort required to get get settled, case conferences while her needs are assessed then it's much simpler.

You are left with visits, financial admin and the knowledge that she is safe, warm and fed 24hrs per day.

No more liaising with carers and all the follow up required, no hospital and doctors appointments. No more house admin and maintenance required.

As for the existing house, put it on the market for sale or to rent. Have family etc collect anything you might want or need. Then arrange a house clearance firm. It's really very straightforward.

Good luck.

It’s not straightforward if she’s deemed to have lost capacity and no one has POA

@ChoiceMummy

I shall be honest and say that atm it doesn't sound like either you or your sister are actually really doing much. Yes the odd chat with carers, but that's hardly all encompassing. Noone is doing the actual care for your mother, so it's no wonder that she's deteriorated and less compliant. I imagine that if it were her daughters providing this basic care, that she'd be in a slightly better position.

You both sound as though your only priority is your own lives and your mum's needs matter not.

You can dress it up anyway you like. Even with the question of would she better off in a home, the only thing if concern is the house clearance!

Gosh, I hope that history doesn't repeat itself.

That's pretty harsh and quite judgemental.

Op works six hours a day five days a week so pretty much full time. She also works shifts. We have no idea what she does and I'd imagine her employers (like most these days) will probably forcing a full time job into those hours.

You have absolutely no idea how much input she has had with her Mum as she hasn't detailed it all. Suffice to say that she is cramming it all in around her job and family. She has already said that she is having issues with her children at the moment.

Op, it is a conundrum but if your Mum has dementia you are on a downhill trajectory. My Grandma stayed in her own home with dementia/carers for far too long. Much as my Mum didn't want to put her in a care home she was in a much better place and went on to live for a decent time into her late 90s. It took a massive pressure off my Mum as she was able to go and see her regularly without worrying about whether she was going to wander out of the house or leave the gas cooker on.

Yes, it will be quite a lot of work but you're going to have to do that eventually anyway. I think it will be short term pain for long term gain personally.

Yet plenty of people do work full time and care full time as well as maintain family responsibilities.

So yes, it's difficult, but that's what you do for family and people that we love!

There are two daughters as well as partners presumably, so 4 people that have no doubt benefitted from all that their mother offered and gave them over the years, yet here in her time of need/support the biggest concern is who will clear out the house!

Any frailty is hard going,dementia or not added to the mix. Something being hard doesn't mean that we shouldn't try!

I imagine that the mother's feelings of abandonment have only added to her confusion sadly.

@ChoiceMummy This isn’t AIBU. People come here for help and advice. Many people are already feeling guilty that they’re not offering enough. Let’s hope they’re not put off from posting because they’re afraid of people berating them for doing too little.

Just because you have a particular opinion doesn’t mean you have to express it, regardless of context.

@ChoiceMummy have you ever provided long term care for a parent? I mean years and years of it?

Do you actually know what frailty really entails?

I can't imagine so or you would not be in here making sniping, judgemental comments. The adage 'if you can't say anything nice say nothing at all' couldn't not be more appropriate'.

[quote VeryMuchFlaggingMinty]@ChoiceMummy have you ever provided long term care for a parent? I mean years and years of it?

Do you actually know what frailty really entails?

I can't imagine so or you would not be in here making sniping, judgemental comments. The adage 'if you can't say anything nice say nothing at all' couldn't not be more appropriate'.[/quote]
Yes I have cared for 4 elderly relatives. The current one has been for the last 7 years. So yes I know exactly what I'm talking about.