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Elderly parents
Original poster

WTF do I do here??

72 replies

MrsRussell · 07/02/2022 15:29

So my DM is the town drunk. Been in and out of rehab, in and out of hospital, everybody knows that she's an addict, so that. She's 81.

Current binge is reaching the end of its cycle, which is normally the point at which I get delusional paranoid phone calls saying "my legs have gone" and asking me to come down and deal with her incontinence pads etc again.
Anyway, she has three sets of keys to her flat, and she's got all of them in the flat with her. She has a safe keybox outside, but there's no keys in it. She walked up to my house on Friday saying she'd got locked out and I gave her my own set of keys. I can't get into her house.

Because she's still drinking, we're coming to the endgame - some point in the next week she will start vomiting blood or lose the ability to walk (sorry if TMI) and she's going to need an ambulance.

I can't get in. They won't be able to get in. She's too drunk to give the keys to one of the other people in the flats - she says she expects me to come down and ring everybody's doorbells till someone else lets me in, which is...not likely - and I'm all out of alternatives.

Nobody is going to be able to get in, without breaking in the front door. Not me, not the police, not the ambulance, not her key worker. And I'm out of ideas....

OP posts:
Pru24 · 07/02/2022 15:57

If your ever worried about someone's safety you should always ring 999. If you contact the police now and inform them you are worried about her safety they will log the details, give you a reference number and a short phone number that you can ring when needed. All the information will come up and the officers on call will know exactly what they need to do and what to expect. If the flat is owned by a housing association, they will repair the doors broken to gain access.

Sorry to hear you have to go through this with your mum, must be heartbreaking and very stressful for you.

Justmuddlingalong · 07/02/2022 16:02

Will she drop a set out of the window to you?

PurpleCarpets · 07/02/2022 16:02

Is she beyond walking now? Why can't you go there and ring the bell and get in before she reaches that point?

Otherwise the police have the power to enter to "save life and limb". But it would be a neater and easier-to-fix job if you get a locksmith out to drill the locks before it becomes an emergency. (Depending on the setup it can be cheaper to break a window - just the call out cost for a glazier to fix it.)

(And sorry to hear about your mum.)

ThisTownAintBigEnoughForBoth · 07/02/2022 16:03

Can you not go over and get some keys from her now before she becomes unable to respond?
Sorry if I've missed something OP.
It sounds dreadful for you.

Supersimkin2 · 07/02/2022 16:03

The ambulance men break the door down.

SafeguardingSocialWorker · 07/02/2022 16:09

Nobody is going to be able to get in, without breaking in the front door. Not me, not the police, not the ambulance, not her key worker.

Then that is what happens, if its an emergency and there are concerns for her welfare.

How much booze has she got in the house?

WhoWants2Know · 07/02/2022 16:16

Would I be right in thinking she can't just stop at this stage without causing herself an injury?

Original poster
MrsRussell · 07/02/2022 16:36

Thanks all - wow, that's a lot of replies in a very short space!
Sadly, none of the above. There's a big heavy street door and then a shared lobby: her front door is open, it's just the big main door. Her window opens (upstairs) on a ditch from which they couldn't be accessed, it's what they call a leat, a wet drainage ditch.
It's a rented flat, so I'm not sure about locksmiths - whether we'd need to have consent to do it - it's a shared front door. (TBH what I would really like is for the letting agent to see the squalor in which she lives and give her notice to quit: that way she'd have to move into more suitable accomodation. But anyway.)

What I'm most concerned about is that this is endgame time, and that she will end up dead in there. We've had this situation before and the police wouldn't come out and do a welfare check because there were no immediate grounds for concern. (Being shitfaced does not constitute an emergency.)
I've suggested to her that she rings the young woman downstairs and asks her to take the set of keys that are accessible from inside the flats, and put them in the keybox, but she says she won't because "she doesn't want anybody to see her like this".

How much has she got in the house? God alone knows, she's an alcoholic, they tell lies. I give up.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsRussell · 07/02/2022 16:38

And yes, @WhoWants2Know, that's where we are now. This is the stage where we normally end up with calls to the emergency GP because she's in withdrawal and worrying that she's going to start fitting or whatever it is, but the emergency GP won't be able to get in either so....

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 07/02/2022 16:40

If the door to her flat is open then I would go and buzz the other flats to be let in. Why won't you do this? Surely they know what your DM is like and understand why you need to get access. Other than that I would call the non emergency police number and ask their advice.

GrendelsGrandma · 07/02/2022 16:47

Call the letting agent, say you're worried about her welfare and can they go down with you with a set of keys. You get in and get a set of keys, get a handful of them cut so this doesn't happen again. Hope that the letting agent sets off the trigger for alternative accommodation as you suggest.

I can't imagine the other inhabitants wouldn't prefer you asking to be let in than having their front door broken down, though?

SafeguardingSocialWorker · 07/02/2022 16:52

How much has she got in the house? God alone knows, she's an alcoholic, they tell lies

I ask because actually, people with alcohol issues often don't have that much booze in the house. What they have gets drunk and then they go and get more.

So either she's going to run out and go into withdrawal (which it sounds like is what you are worried about) or she's going to run out and be well enough to find a way to let someone in to bring her some more.

Why won't the letting agent give you access? Also if her front door is open and there is other people in the building then the police etc won't be breaking down the front door, they will just ask someone else to let them in... (or will ring the letting agent for access) the same as you can do too?

From what I can see its a case of don't want to (and I wouldn't particularly want to either in your shoes) rather than can't?

MayThePawsBeWithYou · 07/02/2022 17:04

If its uts just the main communal door thats locked then the emergency services will try other resisents and there should be a registered keyholder which could be the agent. I would tell the agent whats happening and ask if they will temporarily let you have a key. Can the agent let you in then you can go into her flat, if she is really unwell and likely to deteriorate quickly then call an ambulance.

PurpleCarpets · 07/02/2022 17:34

From what you say getting in is actually a non-issue. There are a lot of other (very difficult) issues but it's hard to see why getting in is one of them?

freshcarnation · 07/02/2022 20:05

It's time to call an end to this one isn't it. Agree with meeting the letting agent at the front door to do a welfare check/property inspection. I suspect the other occupiers of the flats would thank you for this too

MereDintofPandiculation · 08/02/2022 08:29

You know this isn’t your responsibility, OP? She’s a grown woman. What’s your relationship like? Is she someone you love, or is she a responsibility that you feel has been foisted on you, but you no longer have any feelings for?

BunnyRuddington · 08/02/2022 12:14

How bloody awful for you. Are you in contact with her SW at all, assuming she has one?

Original poster
MrsRussell · 08/02/2022 13:14

Thanks (again) all.
It was practical suggestions I wanted, and have received, so much gratitude for that.

TL: DR - I don't want to go round myself because she needs professional intervention, she's rejecting care and there needs to be an urgent assessment made of her condition as it is now.

Basically, no I don't want to get access myself. It's not just going to be a matter of nip down in my lunch hour, ring on some doorbells, get the keys, nip back to work. Whichever poor sod goes in, is going to be faced with a drunk, paranoid, elderly woman, probably naked, probably covered in either blood or faeces. Food rotting on the stove and in the fridge, bags of uncollected soiled incontinence pads in the back bedroom, soiled bedding, empty bottles left on the floor. And this is in a week and a half since last time I physically saw her at home.

What I need is for one or more professional care agencies to see things as they are currently, not as she says they are when she rejects the care packages. She isn't managing, and she's BS-ing the agencies because they can't get in and see her when she's profoundly unwell - they only see her when she's sober and functional. You lovely lot have reassured me that there are ways and means of getting in if necessary, so she's not going to die in there if there is an emergency.

She's mid-assessment, so she hasn't got a SW. I'm waiting for a call back from the duty social worker to update their notes and the hospital high intensity user diversion worker is actually going round there this afternoon: if she can't get access, she's going to get the GP involved (and out this afternoon to make assessment) because the whole thing is pointing towards some kind of cognitive decline.

So yes. There are ways round the lack of keys, and that's all good, and I've escalated things with the professionals involved and I'm just waiting for a call back this afternoon after they've set eyes on her.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsRussell · 08/02/2022 13:35

Update: HIU diversion worker is in.

There were, as I suspected last night there might be, keys in the box.
Mother is drunk, and won't let the diversion worker look in the back bedroom (where we are knee deep in dirty incontinence pads and food waste, natch) GP is coming out to make an assessment.

A person with full mental capacity does not live like this....

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 08/02/2022 14:17

Thank goodness the GP is coming out. Let us know the update Thanks

Knitter99 · 08/02/2022 14:25

That's good news for you op. I hope they properly assess how she is and take some action.
You did the right thing in not going round yourself.

freshcarnation · 08/02/2022 16:07

Good news. Agree with your stance.

Mum5net · 08/02/2022 18:51

Fingers crossed, that she’s found to have diminished capacity and it’s fully acknowledged by the correct agencies Hoping that this is her/ your day for escalated support. There is never a good time but with Xmas passed, omicron less prevalent, this could be the actual intervention required.

BunnyRuddington · 09/02/2022 09:15

Any updates from the GP yet @MrsRussell? I think you are handling this very well. It really can't be easy to deal with a Mum like that.

Justilou1 · 09/02/2022 09:31

I’m so sorry you have to live with the weight of all of that. Much empathy. I think letting the ambulance try and fail, and having the emergency services respond and deal will force SS emergency response, surely??? (Not in UK…) You can refuse to attend. Stop allowing SS to guilt trip you. I know she’s your mum, but she would be safer (and you would have peace of mind) if she was housed by SS.