WTF do I do here??

[MrsRussell]

So my DM is the town drunk. Been in and out of rehab, in and out of hospital, everybody knows that she's an addict, so that. She's 81.

Current binge is reaching the end of its cycle, which is normally the point at which I get delusional paranoid phone calls saying "my legs have gone" and asking me to come down and deal with her incontinence pads etc again.
Anyway, she has three sets of keys to her flat, and she's got all of them in the flat with her. She has a safe keybox outside, but there's no keys in it. She walked up to my house on Friday saying she'd got locked out and I gave her my own set of keys. I can't get into her house.

Because she's still drinking, we're coming to the endgame - some point in the next week she will start vomiting blood or lose the ability to walk (sorry if TMI) and she's going to need an ambulance.

I can't get in. They won't be able to get in. She's too drunk to give the keys to one of the other people in the flats - she says she expects me to come down and ring everybody's doorbells till someone else lets me in, which is...not likely - and I'm all out of alternatives.

Nobody is going to be able to get in, without breaking in the front door. Not me, not the police, not the ambulance, not her key worker. And I'm out of ideas....

Hooooo boy updates from the GP. Well now.

So the poor sod who went round felt an obligation to tidy her up, she'd soiled herself and the bed. Wiped her down, got her sat up in bed, glass of water, bit of something to eat. GP said basically she's just suffering alcohol withdrawal, she's not as bad as she has been, she's medically stable. No further action required.
10pm last night I get a call from the ambulance saying mother is reporting that she's been vomiting blood, they're round there, they're concerned by the vomit they can see (which hadn't been there five hours previous, please note) so they're admitting her.

She's asking will I go in and change her bed and buy her a new mattress topper and new bedding. I will not. I do not have the money to run two households - if she wants these things to be done she must make arrangements to buy them. And I properly have the rage with that whole staged situation last night, where she did not get the attention and sympathy she wanted from any of the usual suspects so she deliberately managed her condition to be taken into hospital.

5 hours I spent on the phone yesterday to one agency and another. 5 hours, in addition to doing my (full time) job. One of these days she will cry wolf once too often and some poor bugger - who is not going to be me - is going to find her dead after she's left it just that bit too long expecting her dramatic rescue.

@MrsRussell

Hooooo boy updates from the GP. Well now.

So the poor sod who went round felt an obligation to tidy her up, she'd soiled herself and the bed. Wiped her down, got her sat up in bed, glass of water, bit of something to eat. GP said basically she's just suffering alcohol withdrawal, she's not as bad as she has been, she's medically stable. No further action required.
10pm last night I get a call from the ambulance saying mother is reporting that she's been vomiting blood, they're round there, they're concerned by the vomit they can see (which hadn't been there five hours previous, please note) so they're admitting her.

She's asking will I go in and change her bed and buy her a new mattress topper and new bedding. I will not. I do not have the money to run two households - if she wants these things to be done she must make arrangements to buy them. And I properly have the rage with that whole staged situation last night, where she did not get the attention and sympathy she wanted from any of the usual suspects so she deliberately managed her condition to be taken into hospital.

5 hours I spent on the phone yesterday to one agency and another. 5 hours, in addition to doing my (full time) job. One of these days she will cry wolf once too often and some poor bugger - who is not going to be me - is going to find her dead after she's left it just that bit too long expecting her dramatic rescue.

I’m so sorry OP. In a similar situation with a parent (not alcoholism but refusing to take essential medication when they feel like they’re not getting enough attention, being admitted to hospital, then bed-blocking and refusing to get help from social care). It’s fucking awful.

Hold firm and do not buy her new bedding. I don’t have any answers, just massive sympathy

I feel like a Dr Seuss poem!

I will not clean her blood and shit
I have not time to deal with it
It offends my sense of taste
To handle others' body waste
See also under duvets, quilts -
Make other arrangements for her filth!
I do not care how much she hollers
I will not sort her stinking squalor!

Now is the time to step back, she is in hospital, the staff will arrange a social worker, you do not need to be involved any more. They can carry out a capacity and needs assessment and can visit her flat to do an environmental check and a deep clean, does her LL know what state it is in, they may not want her living there anymore and start the eviction process which may be a blessing in disguise.

Sorry that you are going through this OP. I’ve been through similar and it’s awful.

Oh OP, this sounds horrific, agree that for your own mental health the only thing that you can do is step back. At least she's in a place of safety now and you'd hope that those that have seen her in the last day or so would have to do something about it.

Stand firm. You know if you cave in it will just enable her to carry on living the same way again. It's not fair on you and not safe for her.

Love the Poem

What are your plans now? I'd be tempted to call her SW and the Discharge Team abs say that you're not willing to provide any care for her, that you've had enough abs can't cope anymore. Explain the date of her flat and say that whatever happens, you won't be cleaning it or making it so that she can use the bed.

This must be so incredibly difficult for you

Well, that was a fairly pointless call with SS.
They apparently are stuck because she tells them she can manage. There's rotting food in her fridge and a mattress soaked in sh*t, and bags of incontinence pads stacked up in the back bedroom, but "she's quite refreshing, she's very honest about her problems"?
So she says she's all good and.... they just go yeah, that's fine then.

I've just told SW that I'm withdrawing /any/ kind of support for her, then. What she can't do herself - so bed making, buying shopping, taking rubbish out - it just won't get done. And let's see how long it is before they find her dead in her flat, shall we?

I would put that all in writing and make sure they understand you are not able to help anymore.

You can write to her consultant, copy in the social worker and state you are not offering any further support and that you feel her current living arrangements is unsafe and an environmental risk.

I hope you are doing OK OP.

Totally support your decisions here..
Stand well back.
Let the professionals be professional.
You cannot support someone who wont be supported.
Stay strong.. look after yourself.

Omg you poor thing, take my hat off to you I really do 😔

Not even sure she has a consultant, @MayThePawsBeWithYou. Nor does she have a social worker ("because she doesn't need one" as if it's normal to lie in your own waste waiting for someone to "rescue" you)

Apparently because she doesn't consistently need help, she can't have it. So she's been given attendance allowance, but no assistance how to spend it - like how to get a PA, or whatever.

OP is fine, OP turns the phone off at 6pm and screens calls, to spend time with her DH and son and an idiot cat presently trying to eat jelly.
EIGHT calls I've had today , two (ignored) from the hospital, one from the sloping shouldered SW, two from her alcohol key worker, and three from the high intensity user worker.
Apparently this is also okay though and any reasonable employer should be all good with this every day for about a week, once a month, so what am I complaining about to the SW?

She will have a named hospital consultant if she is in hospital and a hospital social work team. The ward nurses or ward clerk can tell you who they are.

You poor thing. How the hell has she managed to stay alive all this time? Surely anything like attendance allowance that's given to her directly will just be spent on alcohol?

You must be traumatised. Was she like this when you were young?

@MayThePawsBeWithYou

She will have a named hospital consultant if she is in hospital and a hospital social work team. The ward nurses or ward clerk can tell you who they are.

She's only been in overnight and I think they are trying to discharge her as we speak. I very much doubt if there is much clinically wrong with her, other than a hangover and self-pity. Ho hum.

You have my utmost sympathy's @MrsRussell We had similar with a relative. Everyone said they were ok but they didn't have to cope with what my dh had to every time he went round there. The smell was unbelievable. They wouldn't get a cleaner as they could,do it all. They did have careers arranged, but that petered out as they wouldn't let them do their job or said they would cook later, and then didn't. We never understood how the professionals could say they were ok and could look after themselves.
The relative is no longer with us but some things still stick with me, namely the phone ringing at 7pm. They knew when we sat down to eat and would 'forget' every time. Plus some other things.

@MrsRussell

Well, that was a fairly pointless call with SS. They apparently are stuck because she tells them she can manage. There's rotting food in her fridge and a mattress soaked in sh*t, and bags of incontinence pads stacked up in the back bedroom, but "she's quite refreshing, she's very honest about her problems"? So she says she's all good and.... they just go yeah, that's fine then.

I've just told SW that I'm withdrawing /any/ kind of support for her, then. What she can't do herself - so bed making, buying shopping, taking rubbish out - it just won't get done. And let's see how long it is before they find her dead in her flat, shall we?

Use 'Duty of care' in any meetings, let them see how she is living , do not clean up , show the reality . Soon they will ask you to help when it is time for her to leave - this situation may be the crisis where she /you finally get the help needed. I have had similar situations twice with elderly aunties , not drunks just stubborn and infirm , living in shit. You can insist on having a meeting with all concerned with her care but do not give an inch as they expect a mile , all they want is for you to say you will manage her care and thats that boxed ticked. I was quite suprised at how manipulative ss were in my 1st experience but got wise 2nd time. Both my relatives said they could manage , they also stockpiled dirty pads and rotten food . I would never put myself in the position of getting involved in this type of care again ,it is for proffesionals. If you pull out someone from ss / hospital will have to go to her house before or at discharge then things may start to happen for the best. The fact she is telling them she can manage will speak for itself when they see how she is really living.

@Pru24

If your ever worried about someone's safety you should always ring 999. If you contact the police now and inform them you are worried about her safety they will log the details, give you a reference number and a short phone number that you can ring when needed. All the information will come up and the officers on call will know exactly what they need to do and what to expect. If the flat is owned by a housing association, they will repair the doors broken to gain access.

Sorry to hear you have to go through this with your mum, must be heartbreaking and very stressful for you.

I’ve no idea which police force does this, but Police Scotland absolutely does not, it’s not what Police are for

@Supersimkin2

The ambulance men break the door down.

No they don’t, they generally have the fire service attend to do it

I’ve no idea where some people on this thread are getting their information form, from saying that police will create a log amd give a shirt phone number, to paramedics breaking down doors, this is absolutely not what generally happens.

Every patient in hospital is under the care of a named consultant. If she is vomiting blood there will be a clinical problem and she may have neurological problems. The hospital will have taken blood tests and may be planning other investigations. Just refuse to offer further help, do not offer to take her home or clean up the flat. Have you spoken to the ward nurses about the plans.

So sad to read this - in my experience as soon as alcohol dependent is mentioned, all care and support services seem to evaporate. The attitude is, he/she has chosen to drink so this is the end result of that lifestyle. It's a very challenging situation and I hope something can be done to help.