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Elderly parents
Original poster

Am I selfish for not wanting to become a carer?

49 replies

alltheseasons · 04/02/2022 13:29

My DF has been diagnosed with an illness - dm died so he lives alone. We don't really know what the prognosis is at this point as he's having treatment but having looked into the illness and treatment in depth, it seems that even after "successful" treatment, he still won't be a well man.

As the eldest sibling, I've been expected to take the lead and have done, speaking to doctors, taking him to appointments, cooking for him etc. The others check in, phone him, pop in and see him for half an hour etc, but the bulk of it has been down to me.

Don't get me wrong, I love my dad and am happy to play my part. However, I'm feeling increasingly overwhelmed and depressed about it all, because all the travel plans I had with my DH after being at home for two years have been put on hold and I feel like I can't plan anything in case I'm needed, or things take a turn for the worst.

It's not long since our dc left home, and we were looking forward to having the freedom to do as we pleased until the pandemic hit. Even now though, I'm in limbo and I'm resenting it. Add to that the guilt I have about my feelings and I'm in a right pickle.

Has anyone been in this situation and how did you deal with it?

OP posts:
changewwible · 04/02/2022 13:40

No, you're absolutely not being selfish.

I wouldn't either.

YeOldeTrout · 04/02/2022 13:44

I couldn't do it, either.
We talked a lot about this when I was young - my brothers were both paid carers for our grandfather. One brother nominated himself as carer for our mom should she need care. In reality she died suddenly & never needed a carer. So yeah, we discussed it.

My brother was eldest sibling, now you mention that! But my mother was youngest of 5 looking after her parents. My dad's eldest sister (sibling #3) cared for my other grandmother... youngest uncle/sibling cared for my dad's step-mum.

I badly don't want to burden any of my own DC.

DoubleGauze · 04/02/2022 13:45

Book your holiday op. Your younger siblings can start supporting your father more.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 04/02/2022 13:48

I worked as a carer for older people for twenty years and you really cannot be a carer for your own family.

You need professional boundaries otherwise you’ll end up burnt out and there will be a fuzzy greyish area where the line between your personal life and your caring responsibilities should be.

You need time to yourself. You are just as important.

Can you hire a carer?

Happenchance · 04/02/2022 13:55

I feel the same way. I'm not the oldest but I'm female and don't have kids, so invariably I feel that it's going to be expected of me in the not to distant future.

Neither of my parents became carers for their parents, which makes me feel less guilty about considering other options when the time comes, e.g. a care home.

Original poster
alltheseasons · 04/02/2022 13:58

He doesn't need a carer at the moment in the sense of personal care, I think if it got to that point dad wouldn't want us to do it either.

It's just that he needs support with meals/shopping but he's capable of pottering about and doing most things as long as he doesn't overdo it. We do worry about his mental health as well so I tend to see him every day and the likelihood is that he will get weaker/need more help as time goes on. I'm just thinking ahead really.

DH keeps asking if we can book a holiday and as desperate as I am to get away, I keep thinking I have this obligation to be there in case anything goes wrong with dad.

OP posts:
changewwible · 04/02/2022 14:02

Book your holiday. Your siblings will have to step in while you're away.

thesandwich · 04/02/2022 14:02

Please read the many threads on here and heed the advice. So many broken and consumed by care demands.
Hard won wisdom- be a daughter, not a career. Facilitate, support, arrange, get care in early- cleaner/ gardener/ taxi service etc.
boundaries, don’t let siblings opt out. Group what’s apps , rota for calling/ visiting…… give them all tasks and responsibilities otherwise you will become default fixer and they will stay guests and visitors.
Good luck and join us in the cockroach cafe on here to hear our stories. Lots of support.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/02/2022 14:02

Do you all live nearish? I think you need a sit down with your siblings and say OK, this isn't going to get better so whilst Dad wants to remain at home, how are we splitting it? Unless some of the siblings are still kids, oldest shouldn't come into it.
If you're the only ones with an empty nest they might assume you have the most free time, but he needs all of you.

I'd also ask them all for their holidays so you can make sure there's enough cover during that time and shove yourself in a holiday too

thesandwich · 04/02/2022 14:03

Set up carers now…. To take shopping/ sort food etc. and book that holiday.

Yuckypretty · 04/02/2022 14:03

You need to get him a social care assessment. Contact social services or age UK for some advice. He'll probs be entitled to some form a care. It won't cover everything but it will ease things for you. And then he'll already be in the system when things get worse and he'll need more help. You might get more info through his GP.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/02/2022 14:05

FGS, go on your holiday. Don't make a martyr out of yourself. Your siblings will have to step up.

ElectraBlue · 04/02/2022 14:07

Nope. I wouldn't either and no one should guilt-trip or force you into this role. Make it clear you can't cope with being a carer and look for alternative arrangements.

You also need to live for yourself and your own family.

I absolutely refused to care for either of my toxic, abusive parents (who did not do a single day of care for their own parents either...) as they did such a poor job of looking at me when I was a child and I have no emotional attachment to either of them. Different situation I know, but a reminder that you should not think you have take something on you know in your guts will have a dreadful impact on your own mental and physical health and will also affect your own family (husband/kids).

notaflyingmonkey · 04/02/2022 14:08

Apply for Attendance Allowance, and outsource whatever you can - cleaner, gardener, etc. Split the 'admin' with siblings. As Sandwich says, be the daughter, not the carer. Many of us have gone before you and paid the price.

For me it was like boiling a frog - the amount of things I did increased bit by bit, until before I knew it I was struggling to cope with it all.

Hdhr8jsj · 04/02/2022 14:11

I do refuse. My DF pays for carers twice a day. I'm 10 minutes away, and go regularly to visit but I'm not doing anything to do with the care side.

Don't feel guilty. Go on holiday!

Original poster
alltheseasons · 04/02/2022 14:14

you will become default fixer and they will stay guests and visitors. this is very much what's happening.

OP posts:
123tigger · 04/02/2022 14:19

In the same position as you. Dad died last year. Spent a few months living with mum. Brother gave me a night break each week. At present I visit 3 times a week for hour and half. Do all the admin,shopping any medics visits. Have managed a few short breaks. You do feel better for the break away from them.. Mum does play up when knows I am going away. She got carers in 3 times a day. Unable to get attendance allowance due to mum problems being mental health. Anxiety.
She just about coping in her own home. You need to get a balance on what you prepared to do. Brother visit once a week.

countrygirl99 · 04/02/2022 14:21

Second the WhatsApp group idea. Work out what needs doing and make sure the tasks are shared fairly. Outsource everything you can and set up online groceries and bank.

Pootles34 · 04/02/2022 14:21

I think the you need to get sorted now, otherwise they'll not feel confident helping because you will be the one knowing what is going on.

Get them involved now, and they'll know how to help, and what's needed.

What's your relationship with your siblings like generally OP - are you close? Could you talk to them about how you're feeling?

Somanysocks · 04/02/2022 14:29

You definitely need to get together with your siblings and make proper arrangements. There will always be a sibling who cares more and therefore becomes the most burdened so you should each have an arranged set of things to do for your father to make it fair.

Otherwise, the siblings will take a step back because they can.

WhatHaveIFound · 04/02/2022 14:42

No, you're absolutely not being selfish and I think you need to ask your siblings to help out more. It's not fair that you're having to take on most of the burden. Personally I would book that holiday and tell them you're having a break!

Popping in every day will be exhausting for you so how about reducing that in the first instance? Coming from someone who can't get out of phoning her mum every single day!

Original poster
alltheseasons · 04/02/2022 16:22

@Pootles34

I think the you need to get sorted now, otherwise they'll not feel confident helping because you will be the one knowing what is going on.

Get them involved now, and they'll know how to help, and what's needed.

What's your relationship with your siblings like generally OP - are you close? Could you talk to them about how you're feeling?

Yes we are close, and we have a WhatsApp group already (mainly so they can ask me what's going on!)

I agree that I need to have a proper discussion with them before it goes too far, I just worry they'll think I'm a right cow for not wanting to do it all. I think because I work shifts so I'm around more in the day, they assume it's easier for me to do things (plus they have younger kids, although they aren't that young that they need loads of attention)

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/02/2022 16:24

Start a group WhatsApp with your siblings specifically called "Dad" and say that everyone needs to offer what they can in terms of time and support so that it's even. As a group, decide what external provisions can be made.

countrygirl99 · 04/02/2022 16:55

Sometimes a meeting over tea and bicuits/curry/bottle of wine is more effective than messaging.

BestZebbie · 04/02/2022 17:11

Go on holiday, send your DF a postcard and share your photos with him when you get back.
He will be fine in his own home with your siblings checking on him while you are away.
Sadly, also, most permanently bad things that might happen in that situation which would mean he wouldn't be fine, couldn't actually be averted by you not being on holiday unless you actually share a house with him 24/7.